David sent me this blog post. It is dated January 6, 2010.
January 9, 2010 marks one year of abstinence from all pornography and one year of recovery. This is something for which I am truly grateful. Pornography was part of my life since I was 9 years old. It seemed to be omnipresent. It was like a drug. I used it to soothe myself, to escape and to avoid the shame and guilt that was part of an endless cycle of acting out and remorse.
I lost a great deal as I pursued my addiction for 34 years. I lost my innocence, my first marriage and ultimately my physical freedom. But as I'm finding everyday, God has a plan. Because I finally hit bottom and became broken, I have experienced spiritual and emotional freedom I have never known. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to build a relationship with Christ, my wife and family and friends. True relationships built on trust, faith and honesty. And to have a relationship with myself. To finally know who I am and why I am.
I could not have reached this milestone without the help and support of so many; God, Lisa, Donna Peaslee, Ricky Mill, 12-step friends, group mates, and family and friends. May God bless you all. Thank you for an amazing year of grace and love.
God bless,
David
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
COSA (from Lisa)
Well, I went to my first COSA meeting last evening. COSA is a 12-step recovery program for men and women whose lives have been affected by another person's compulsive sexual behavior (http://www.cosa-recovery.org/).
There are several meetings throughout the week, but last night happened to work for me. This meeting happened to be all women. Even though I have been going through this process and discovery for the past year, I am still amazed by how much sexual addiction has affected so many people's lives. These ladies were seemingly "normal" people. (I'm not sure anyone is normal). :-) This disease is so secretive. Hearing the stories from these ladies is just incredible. It's amazing how many of people are going through this same thing, but it's just not talked about. It's so silent. Everyone lives in their own secretive pain. Why should we have to keep this a secret? I know it's "taboo". And, yes, there are plenty of people out there who judge and I believe because they don't understand what the definition of sex addiction is, or they have issues in this area themselves that they do not want to admit.
Before December 16, 2008 had you asked me what a sex addict was, I would have said I thought it was someone who was addicted to having sex. Someone who wanted sex all the time. In my short experience as I have discovered this is true in some cases, but most sex addicts isolate themselves. In my husbands case, he didn't like who he was. So he could not "give" to others. He isolated himself. Although we were married, we were at the point where we started to live separate lives. I would go to bed, he would stay up. I asked what he was doing. His answer was always the same: "I'm not tired", "I'm working", "I'm...", "I'm...", "I'm..." I would wake up in the middle of the night, and he would still be up on he computer. I honestly thought he was a workaholic. The thought never came into my mind that he could be a sex addict. I had no idea.
But, there is hope. I have found it. My days are still rough. I feel like I am floundering (like the fish). I'm not sure of myself, who I am, or what I am supposed to be doing. Some days I just try to get through the day. But, it's kind of interesting to see where I was, and where I am now. I still have a long way to go, but with the help of God, my therapy group, my family, my pastor, and my hard head, I will persevere. And, I pray that David and I make it through this together. And I know we will be stronger on the other end.
--Lisa
There are several meetings throughout the week, but last night happened to work for me. This meeting happened to be all women. Even though I have been going through this process and discovery for the past year, I am still amazed by how much sexual addiction has affected so many people's lives. These ladies were seemingly "normal" people. (I'm not sure anyone is normal). :-) This disease is so secretive. Hearing the stories from these ladies is just incredible. It's amazing how many of people are going through this same thing, but it's just not talked about. It's so silent. Everyone lives in their own secretive pain. Why should we have to keep this a secret? I know it's "taboo". And, yes, there are plenty of people out there who judge and I believe because they don't understand what the definition of sex addiction is, or they have issues in this area themselves that they do not want to admit.
Before December 16, 2008 had you asked me what a sex addict was, I would have said I thought it was someone who was addicted to having sex. Someone who wanted sex all the time. In my short experience as I have discovered this is true in some cases, but most sex addicts isolate themselves. In my husbands case, he didn't like who he was. So he could not "give" to others. He isolated himself. Although we were married, we were at the point where we started to live separate lives. I would go to bed, he would stay up. I asked what he was doing. His answer was always the same: "I'm not tired", "I'm working", "I'm...", "I'm...", "I'm..." I would wake up in the middle of the night, and he would still be up on he computer. I honestly thought he was a workaholic. The thought never came into my mind that he could be a sex addict. I had no idea.
But, there is hope. I have found it. My days are still rough. I feel like I am floundering (like the fish). I'm not sure of myself, who I am, or what I am supposed to be doing. Some days I just try to get through the day. But, it's kind of interesting to see where I was, and where I am now. I still have a long way to go, but with the help of God, my therapy group, my family, my pastor, and my hard head, I will persevere. And, I pray that David and I make it through this together. And I know we will be stronger on the other end.
--Lisa
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Will You be Accountable This Year? (from David)
David sent me this blog post. It is dated January 6, 2010.
David writes:
I haven't written lately about accountability. At least not directly. No matter our relationship status; married, single, engaged, etc.; we are all accountable for our behavior. When my first marriage ended after seven years, primarily as a result of my pornography addiction, I thought I was set free to pursue my addiction without harming anyone. I quickly learned that my behavior had consequences I had not imagined.
I sunk into a depression, isolated myself even more, felt shame and guilt more deeply than ever. I lost all touch with my family and friends. I lived in a fantasy world of sex and lust. I had no contact with God save for the nights I laid in bed and begged for it to end. Unaccountable? I think not.
What does accountability look like? It is owning up to behaviors that include pornography and sexual acting out. It is putting checks and balances in place that help avoid temptation (like filtering and reporting software - http://www.covenanteyes.com/?promocode=shame2grace). It is joining an accountability group and securing an accountability partner. All of these steps require us to admit we are fallible humans. Don't let that stop you.
God bless,
David
David writes:
I haven't written lately about accountability. At least not directly. No matter our relationship status; married, single, engaged, etc.; we are all accountable for our behavior. When my first marriage ended after seven years, primarily as a result of my pornography addiction, I thought I was set free to pursue my addiction without harming anyone. I quickly learned that my behavior had consequences I had not imagined.
I sunk into a depression, isolated myself even more, felt shame and guilt more deeply than ever. I lost all touch with my family and friends. I lived in a fantasy world of sex and lust. I had no contact with God save for the nights I laid in bed and begged for it to end. Unaccountable? I think not.
What does accountability look like? It is owning up to behaviors that include pornography and sexual acting out. It is putting checks and balances in place that help avoid temptation (like filtering and reporting software - http://www.covenanteyes.com/?promocode=shame2grace). It is joining an accountability group and securing an accountability partner. All of these steps require us to admit we are fallible humans. Don't let that stop you.
God bless,
David
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Reflectioning on a relationship...The Codependent Relationship (Part II)
To develop relationships that are healthy and not codependent... RELEASE Responsibility- Jeremiah 17:5, 7-8; Proverbs 29:25
1. Recognize...
2. Examine...
3. Let go of...
4. Extend...
5. Appropriate...
6. Set...
7. Exchange...
If you have codependent behavior, you are trying to get your needs met through a drive to do it all or to be another person's all in all. However, you can travel the road to recovery by releasing your desire to control or change the person you love.
Recognize that you are dependent on a person, and place your dependency on God.
Realize that God did not create you to meet all the needs of another person.
Examine your patterns of codependent thinking.
Don't say yes when you really believe you should say no.
Let go of your "super responsible" menality.
Realize you cannot make another person be dependable or responsible.
Extend forgiveness to those who have caused pain in your past.
Reflect on any emotional or physical abuse you experienced in the past. Determine whom you need to forgive.
Appropriate your identity in Christ.
Know the truth. Believe the truth. Appropriate the truth.
Set healthy boundaries.
Communicate the necessity for change. Establish what your limits of responsibility will be. Establish your limits of involvement. Maintain honest communication without indulging in abusive language.
Exchange your emotional energy for spiritual energy.
Put God and your spiritual growth as your first priority. Redirect your thoughts to the Lord. Talk to God.
Resource: When People Are Big and God Is Small; Edward T. Welch
Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing
For more information on Codependency visit: http://www.codependents.org/
1. Recognize...
2. Examine...
3. Let go of...
4. Extend...
5. Appropriate...
6. Set...
7. Exchange...
If you have codependent behavior, you are trying to get your needs met through a drive to do it all or to be another person's all in all. However, you can travel the road to recovery by releasing your desire to control or change the person you love.
Recognize that you are dependent on a person, and place your dependency on God.
Realize that God did not create you to meet all the needs of another person.
Examine your patterns of codependent thinking.
Don't say yes when you really believe you should say no.
Let go of your "super responsible" menality.
Realize you cannot make another person be dependable or responsible.
Extend forgiveness to those who have caused pain in your past.
Reflect on any emotional or physical abuse you experienced in the past. Determine whom you need to forgive.
Appropriate your identity in Christ.
Know the truth. Believe the truth. Appropriate the truth.
Set healthy boundaries.
Communicate the necessity for change. Establish what your limits of responsibility will be. Establish your limits of involvement. Maintain honest communication without indulging in abusive language.
Exchange your emotional energy for spiritual energy.
Put God and your spiritual growth as your first priority. Redirect your thoughts to the Lord. Talk to God.
Resource: When People Are Big and God Is Small; Edward T. Welch
Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing
For more information on Codependency visit: http://www.codependents.org/
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Reflectioning on a relationship...The Codependent Relationship
When David and I first started counseling, our therapist said we were codependent. I had no idea what this meant. This past week in my Sunday school class, the topic was the Codependent Relationship. I finally got it - this was us!
Here it is:
The Codependent Relationship is characterized by a weaker, dependent personality that needs to be connected to a stronger personality - and the stronger personality's need to be needed. Both personalities are insecure and become entangled in a web of emotional bondage. The two behaviors combine to produce a destructive cycle of manipulation and control, draining joy and happiness out of life.
Yep, this was us! I never would have thought, but tis true!
Codependency describes the dynamics in a relationship whereby both parties rely on each other for support as they get their own emotional needs met by seeking their identity in the other person's approval or provision.
1. A weak ,needy person and a second person who appears to be the stronger one- capable and self sufficient...
2. The weaker person is controlling and manipulating the person who appears to be the stronger party because of their insecurity, self -doubting, and need for approval...
Here are three biblical tests to discern codependency in yourself...
1. Is it difficult to speak the Truth in love? (Ephesians 4:15)
2. Do you enable harmful behavior in others by negating the consequences of that behavior? (Galatians 6:7-8a)
3. Can you distinguish between a "burden" and a "load"? (Galatians 6:1-5)
To develop relationships that are healthy and not codependent... RELEASE Responsibility- Jeremiah 17:5, 7-8; Proverbs 29:25
1. Recognize...
2. Examine...
3. Let go of...
4. Extend...
5. Appropriate...
6. Set...
7. Exchange...
I will take a closer look at RELEASE Responsibility in the next post.
Resource: When People Are Big and God Is Small; Edward T. Welch
Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing
For more information on Codependency visit: http://www.codependents.org/
Here it is:
The Codependent Relationship is characterized by a weaker, dependent personality that needs to be connected to a stronger personality - and the stronger personality's need to be needed. Both personalities are insecure and become entangled in a web of emotional bondage. The two behaviors combine to produce a destructive cycle of manipulation and control, draining joy and happiness out of life.
Yep, this was us! I never would have thought, but tis true!
Codependency describes the dynamics in a relationship whereby both parties rely on each other for support as they get their own emotional needs met by seeking their identity in the other person's approval or provision.
1. A weak ,needy person and a second person who appears to be the stronger one- capable and self sufficient...
2. The weaker person is controlling and manipulating the person who appears to be the stronger party because of their insecurity, self -doubting, and need for approval...
Here are three biblical tests to discern codependency in yourself...
1. Is it difficult to speak the Truth in love? (Ephesians 4:15)
2. Do you enable harmful behavior in others by negating the consequences of that behavior? (Galatians 6:7-8a)
3. Can you distinguish between a "burden" and a "load"? (Galatians 6:1-5)
To develop relationships that are healthy and not codependent... RELEASE Responsibility- Jeremiah 17:5, 7-8; Proverbs 29:25
1. Recognize...
2. Examine...
3. Let go of...
4. Extend...
5. Appropriate...
6. Set...
7. Exchange...
I will take a closer look at RELEASE Responsibility in the next post.
Resource: When People Are Big and God Is Small; Edward T. Welch
Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing
For more information on Codependency visit: http://www.codependents.org/
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
We Are What We Think (from David)
David sent me this blog post. It is dated December 30, 2009.
David writes:
I mentioned the book, Imaginations, by Thomas Gills, M.D. in a previous post. The premise of the book is that we are what we think. That seems like a given, but I had to step back and "think" about it before I grasped it fully.
Gills asks his readers that if it were possible to create a transcript or video of their thoughts, would they want their family and friends to see it. I was grateful to say that today I would be fine with it. I have no more secrets and that is such a blessing.
But it wasn't too long ago that I would have rather died than have anyone know my thoughts. I mentioned this idea to Lisa and she said she would be afraid to see my thoughts as they were a year ago. I don't blame her.
Even though not all of my thoughts are pure and positive today, I take steps to transform those thoughts from harmful to helpful through prayer, meditation and sharing them with others. Shining light on negative thoughts is a great disinfectant. I have never felt so free as I am when I'm free of negative thoughts. I do believe we are what we think. What do you think?
God bless,
David
David writes:
I mentioned the book, Imaginations, by Thomas Gills, M.D. in a previous post. The premise of the book is that we are what we think. That seems like a given, but I had to step back and "think" about it before I grasped it fully.
Gills asks his readers that if it were possible to create a transcript or video of their thoughts, would they want their family and friends to see it. I was grateful to say that today I would be fine with it. I have no more secrets and that is such a blessing.
But it wasn't too long ago that I would have rather died than have anyone know my thoughts. I mentioned this idea to Lisa and she said she would be afraid to see my thoughts as they were a year ago. I don't blame her.
Even though not all of my thoughts are pure and positive today, I take steps to transform those thoughts from harmful to helpful through prayer, meditation and sharing them with others. Shining light on negative thoughts is a great disinfectant. I have never felt so free as I am when I'm free of negative thoughts. I do believe we are what we think. What do you think?
God bless,
David
Friday, February 5, 2010
Metanoia- Transformed Mind (from David)
David sent me this blog post. It is dated December 30, 2009.
David writes:
I'm reading a book, Imaginations, by Thomas Gills M.D. I'll write more about the book's premise, We Are What We Think, in a later post. I wanted to focus on one of Gills' sub-points - that in order to change our lives in a positive way we have to completely change our minds. We have to achieve Metanoia, a Greek word that means "transformed mind".
I've been struggling with my thoughts lately. I've had the old stinking thinking creep up and cause me to turn to my higher power, my wife and others to help me get back on track toward Metanoia. It is amazing how imprinted our minds are and how difficult it is to transform them from negative to positive.
But as with everything in recovery, it is about progress not perfection. I can see that my thinking is more focused on positive influences: God, Lisa, family, friends, helping others. Before, it was focused on self-centered pursuits. I can see and feel the difference every day.
A transformed mind is something I pray for everyday. Recovery and redemption are all about change. Addiction is all about stasis, the same thing every day. Add Metanoia to your vocabulary and your goals.
God bless,
David
David writes:
I'm reading a book, Imaginations, by Thomas Gills M.D. I'll write more about the book's premise, We Are What We Think, in a later post. I wanted to focus on one of Gills' sub-points - that in order to change our lives in a positive way we have to completely change our minds. We have to achieve Metanoia, a Greek word that means "transformed mind".
I've been struggling with my thoughts lately. I've had the old stinking thinking creep up and cause me to turn to my higher power, my wife and others to help me get back on track toward Metanoia. It is amazing how imprinted our minds are and how difficult it is to transform them from negative to positive.
But as with everything in recovery, it is about progress not perfection. I can see that my thinking is more focused on positive influences: God, Lisa, family, friends, helping others. Before, it was focused on self-centered pursuits. I can see and feel the difference every day.
A transformed mind is something I pray for everyday. Recovery and redemption are all about change. Addiction is all about stasis, the same thing every day. Add Metanoia to your vocabulary and your goals.
God bless,
David
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Clearance Clarence (from David)
David sent me this blog post. It is dated December 25, 2009.
David writes:
I've never been one to make new year resolutions. I think if it takes a new year to make me change something, then I'm probably not really committed to changing it. That said, I do think the new year is a good time to take stock of my life and see what's working and what's not. Basically treat it like an inventory for a business. What is selling and what isn't. What are customers asking for?
This has been an amazing year. Those who have followed us this year know that is an understatement. Literally, our entire life has changed. And despite my incarceration, we have gained so much in the process, and shed many things that just weren't selling. Good riddance. We put things like shame, fear, resentment and self-pity on clearance. We stocked up on gratitude, respect, love and forgiveness. Very hot items, I must say! We also saw great demand for honesty, compassion and faith.
As we look forward to this year and beyond, I have a feeling most of these items are timeless and will continue to be heavy sellers. Don't wait too long, as you may miss out. And you won't find them in the clearance bin at Wal-Mart with the Jonas Brothers dish set.
God bless,
David
David writes:
I've never been one to make new year resolutions. I think if it takes a new year to make me change something, then I'm probably not really committed to changing it. That said, I do think the new year is a good time to take stock of my life and see what's working and what's not. Basically treat it like an inventory for a business. What is selling and what isn't. What are customers asking for?
This has been an amazing year. Those who have followed us this year know that is an understatement. Literally, our entire life has changed. And despite my incarceration, we have gained so much in the process, and shed many things that just weren't selling. Good riddance. We put things like shame, fear, resentment and self-pity on clearance. We stocked up on gratitude, respect, love and forgiveness. Very hot items, I must say! We also saw great demand for honesty, compassion and faith.
As we look forward to this year and beyond, I have a feeling most of these items are timeless and will continue to be heavy sellers. Don't wait too long, as you may miss out. And you won't find them in the clearance bin at Wal-Mart with the Jonas Brothers dish set.
God bless,
David
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