David sent me this blog post. It is dated December 20, 2009.
David writes:
Addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful. I was just laying in my bunk this morning and for some reason thoughts of pornography started dancing in my head. It is amazing how it just sits and waits for a vulnerable moment and then grabs you. I have no idea why it picked this morning, but it was definitely there. I fought it as I have in the past. I prayed the Serenity Prayer and tried to focus on something positive. When that didn't seem to do the trick I decided to just try to go to sleep. That worked. I fell asleep and woke up with a refreshed mind and no thoughts of pornography.
These reminders aren't fun, but they are important in reminding us we are dealing with a patient addiction. It just sits and waits hoping we become complacent and lazy in our program. Knowing that keeps me motivated to stay connected to God, people in the program and with my own feelings.
We are given a daily reprieve from our addiction in return for our daily commitment to recovery. What we do each day determines if we've built up our defenses against a cunning, baffling and powerful addiction. I'm in this to win. Thank God for the weapons to fight to a victory.
God bless,
David
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Protect Your Children - Being Proactive in a Reactive World
Providence Baptist Church held a seminar titled, "Protect Your Children - Being Proactive in a Reactive World".
This was a seminar to help parents, school counselors, childcare workers, ministry workers and anyone who works with children learn how to focus on overcoming false information regarding sexual offenders and accurately identifying those who put children at risk.
Awareness is a key factor in protecting our children and understanding the signs of sexual abuse and the profile of predators. Learn the general issues around sexual offending, how it occurs and who it affects and find out the different ways that sexual offenses impact school settings and the different responses school personnel should have in response to sexual offense victims and perpetrators in school settings.
Clinical psychologist, Dr. Kevin Baldwin reviewed the profile of a predator and dispeled some common myths associated with predators. He also gave tips on how to protect against a predator whether they are an acquaintance, a family friend, a stranger or online.
Here is the link:
http://www.pray.org/shepherding-ministries/protect-your-children---being-proactive-in-a-reactive-world.aspx
You can download audio, notes, and resources.
-Lisa
This was a seminar to help parents, school counselors, childcare workers, ministry workers and anyone who works with children learn how to focus on overcoming false information regarding sexual offenders and accurately identifying those who put children at risk.
Awareness is a key factor in protecting our children and understanding the signs of sexual abuse and the profile of predators. Learn the general issues around sexual offending, how it occurs and who it affects and find out the different ways that sexual offenses impact school settings and the different responses school personnel should have in response to sexual offense victims and perpetrators in school settings.
Clinical psychologist, Dr. Kevin Baldwin reviewed the profile of a predator and dispeled some common myths associated with predators. He also gave tips on how to protect against a predator whether they are an acquaintance, a family friend, a stranger or online.
Here is the link:
http://www.pray.org/shepherding-ministries/protect-your-children---being-proactive-in-a-reactive-world.aspx
You can download audio, notes, and resources.
-Lisa
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Fear vs. Faith (from David)
David sent me this blog post. It is dated December 14, 2009.
David writes:
I am now in general population at a jail awaiting transfer to a federal facility in the next few weeks or so. I share one large room, they call it an Open Bay, with about 40 other guys of all races, backgrounds, crimes and demeanors. Most of our block is laid back, older guys just doing their time and avoiding trouble. But it always seems there is some underlying tension boiling just below the surface. At first I was fearful and just kept to myself. But then decided that I couldn't live like that and have a "full" life in jail. I had to take a leap of faith and try to experience and contribute to our "society". Now I'm talking to folks, playing games, attending Bible services and just being part-of.
Out in society I would regularly hide out and choose not to participate for fear people would see through my lies and call me on it. I didn't have faith in anything or anybody much less God or myself. Again, even though I am physically confined, I'm growing and experiencing things that are helping me be a deeper human, better husband and follower of God. Give faith a chance. Take it out for a walk sometime.
God bless,
David
David writes:
I am now in general population at a jail awaiting transfer to a federal facility in the next few weeks or so. I share one large room, they call it an Open Bay, with about 40 other guys of all races, backgrounds, crimes and demeanors. Most of our block is laid back, older guys just doing their time and avoiding trouble. But it always seems there is some underlying tension boiling just below the surface. At first I was fearful and just kept to myself. But then decided that I couldn't live like that and have a "full" life in jail. I had to take a leap of faith and try to experience and contribute to our "society". Now I'm talking to folks, playing games, attending Bible services and just being part-of.
Out in society I would regularly hide out and choose not to participate for fear people would see through my lies and call me on it. I didn't have faith in anything or anybody much less God or myself. Again, even though I am physically confined, I'm growing and experiencing things that are helping me be a deeper human, better husband and follower of God. Give faith a chance. Take it out for a walk sometime.
God bless,
David
Thursday, January 21, 2010
How Does One Achieve True Happiness? (from Lisa)
(For all my family members and support group who may be reading this, let me preface this post by saying I am not suicidal, depressed, or in crisis. This is just something I have been thinking about and wanted to get some thoughts and feedback.)
The heading says it all, how does one achieve true happiness? This is my question to you all. Over the past year, I have been seeing a wonderful therapist. In therapy you take a look at one's "self". The thing that defines you. I am trying to find my "self". Not Lisa as a wife, daughter, sister, friend, or coworker, but who I truly am. I think alot of my "self" was defined by what others thought of me. And my happiness was defined by what I could do to make others happy. Although David and I had problems, I looked forward to coming home to him. This is one of the things that made me happy. Now that is not possible - at least not for 6 years. I have a great husband, family, friends, support group, pastor, job, therapist, and most recently God in my life. I am healthy. I am educated. I have opportunities. But for some reason I don't feel happy. This doesn't make any sense. I do things that make me happy, such as exercising, socializing with friends, or watching my favorite TV show, but that is short term. How do you achieve true life-long happiness? Is true happiness something that you have to work at? Or are you supposed to get happiness in the small things? Do I need more faith in my life? Or do we go through this life only to get to the true happiness in our next life? I have heard about these truly happy and content people. Where are you? And how can I achieve?
The heading says it all, how does one achieve true happiness? This is my question to you all. Over the past year, I have been seeing a wonderful therapist. In therapy you take a look at one's "self". The thing that defines you. I am trying to find my "self". Not Lisa as a wife, daughter, sister, friend, or coworker, but who I truly am. I think alot of my "self" was defined by what others thought of me. And my happiness was defined by what I could do to make others happy. Although David and I had problems, I looked forward to coming home to him. This is one of the things that made me happy. Now that is not possible - at least not for 6 years. I have a great husband, family, friends, support group, pastor, job, therapist, and most recently God in my life. I am healthy. I am educated. I have opportunities. But for some reason I don't feel happy. This doesn't make any sense. I do things that make me happy, such as exercising, socializing with friends, or watching my favorite TV show, but that is short term. How do you achieve true life-long happiness? Is true happiness something that you have to work at? Or are you supposed to get happiness in the small things? Do I need more faith in my life? Or do we go through this life only to get to the true happiness in our next life? I have heard about these truly happy and content people. Where are you? And how can I achieve?
Is ignorance really bliss?
Over the last few days of Tiger Watch, the media has been speculating as to whether or not Tiger Woods is in sex rehab. I have seen several “news” programs in passing over the last few days and watched the commentaries on this subject and I must say, it has been so disheartening. The running theme I seemed to catch was “Tiger Woods is not a sex addict – if he were, his wife would have known about it.” I even heard one of his mistress’s say that she “never saw the signs of him being a sex addict.” So the conclusion has been that he is just going to rehab to recover his image and nothing else. Let me just say that as a wife of a recovering addict, I did not know my husband was a sex addict for four years. I am a fairly intelligent and intuitive person. Yes, looking back, I can see some of the red flags, but even when I think about those times I thought that something wasn’t quite right, I would have NEVER imagined it would be something like sex addiction. I think this points to the larger problem here. Sex addiction is by far the most misunderstood addiction. Now, all of a sudden, all of these news personalities are so-called experts on the situation. When in fact their ignorance is perpetuating the myths of what this addiction truly is. It is so irresponsible yet they are not the ones that pay the price. Believe me, I am not condoning the actions of Tiger Woods by any means, but to have this much judgment and mis-truths put out there over what people *think* this addiction is, why would anyone seek help?
This is yet one more reason why I support David and Lisa’s initiative wholeheartedly. Like a hurricane, the addiction will destroy anyone and anything in its path. I am one of the lucky ones who found help and have been able to start putting back together the pieces of my life. I hope this initiative will continue to spread the word (the correct word) so others out there will find the same path of peace.
This is yet one more reason why I support David and Lisa’s initiative wholeheartedly. Like a hurricane, the addiction will destroy anyone and anything in its path. I am one of the lucky ones who found help and have been able to start putting back together the pieces of my life. I hope this initiative will continue to spread the word (the correct word) so others out there will find the same path of peace.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Spare Some Change? (from David)
David sent me this blog post. It is dated December 13, 2009.
David writes:
It has been a year of change, change and more change. I've always found it difficult to gracefully adapt to change. Usually I try to fight it, hide from it or just wish it would go away.
Today I can actually embrace change as something positive in my life. It usually means that I am growing or evolving. It is an opportunity to stretch and learn something new. Or more often, how to do something better and in a more healthy way.
For example, I was recently moved to another jail outside of NC. It was pretty stressful and I didn't deal with the stress well at first. I was emotional and feeling a lot of self pity. But rather than wallow in it, I talked to people about it, took a risk and managed to come out of it quickly and only having to apologize to Lisa once. That's progress! And I apologized within hours of the infraction!
So, I say let's look for change and welcome it, not run from it. Change makes the world go around.
God bless,
David
David writes:
It has been a year of change, change and more change. I've always found it difficult to gracefully adapt to change. Usually I try to fight it, hide from it or just wish it would go away.
Today I can actually embrace change as something positive in my life. It usually means that I am growing or evolving. It is an opportunity to stretch and learn something new. Or more often, how to do something better and in a more healthy way.
For example, I was recently moved to another jail outside of NC. It was pretty stressful and I didn't deal with the stress well at first. I was emotional and feeling a lot of self pity. But rather than wallow in it, I talked to people about it, took a risk and managed to come out of it quickly and only having to apologize to Lisa once. That's progress! And I apologized within hours of the infraction!
So, I say let's look for change and welcome it, not run from it. Change makes the world go around.
God bless,
David
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Letters from Child Pornography Survivors (from David)
David sent me this blog post. It is dated December 10, 2009.
David writes:
I was speaking with a person who works through the courts to stop child pornography. I told him about an idea I had to give a voice to the survivors of child pornography and to raise awareness of the problem that is becoming more prevalent every day.
I suggested that we work with survivors to solicit letters from them to their abuser, their family, society or maybe even God that focus on the impact the abuse has had on their life. I don't want to cause more harm to these brave souls who have been through so much. But as I told the judge, the threat of prison, the loss of my first wife, almost losing my second wife and even federal agents knocking on my door isn't what stopped me. What stopped me cold was hearing from a survivor the pain, shame and resentment he suffered from being abused and having that abuse captured on film. I believe if we can create a platform from which survivors can tell their story (anonymously) we can communicate more effectively the true depth of damage this horrible crime inflicts on its victims and how even "just" viewing it perpetuates their pain.
God bless,
David
David writes:
I was speaking with a person who works through the courts to stop child pornography. I told him about an idea I had to give a voice to the survivors of child pornography and to raise awareness of the problem that is becoming more prevalent every day.
I suggested that we work with survivors to solicit letters from them to their abuser, their family, society or maybe even God that focus on the impact the abuse has had on their life. I don't want to cause more harm to these brave souls who have been through so much. But as I told the judge, the threat of prison, the loss of my first wife, almost losing my second wife and even federal agents knocking on my door isn't what stopped me. What stopped me cold was hearing from a survivor the pain, shame and resentment he suffered from being abused and having that abuse captured on film. I believe if we can create a platform from which survivors can tell their story (anonymously) we can communicate more effectively the true depth of damage this horrible crime inflicts on its victims and how even "just" viewing it perpetuates their pain.
God bless,
David
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Clean Slate (from David)
David sent me this blog post. It is dated December 10, 2009.
David writes:
The night after my sentencing to six years in prison, I was laying in my bunk thinking about the day and trying to wrap my mind around it. I felt free. I know that's strange coming from a guy sitting in jail and facing another six years behind bars. But for the first time in my life I felt like I was starting to live life with a clean slate.
I'm sure many will say that I have far from a clean slate. I'm a convicted felon. A registered sex offender and reviled by many in society. Let me clarify. I have no more secrets or lies. I have lived my entire life, at least from about 9 years old, hiding something. I hid my attraction to pornography, my addiction to drugs and alcohol, my shame and fears. I hid my insecurities and my self-hatred.
Now, I have, or more accurately God has, laid open these secrets and freed me from the darkness I've lived in for so long. I am now free to love others, love myself and actually serve society rather than be a burden. I may still have to own the labels I've earned, but I no longer have to be imprisoned by my shame. I pray others are able to find this freedom without having to lose theirs.
God bless,
David
David writes:
The night after my sentencing to six years in prison, I was laying in my bunk thinking about the day and trying to wrap my mind around it. I felt free. I know that's strange coming from a guy sitting in jail and facing another six years behind bars. But for the first time in my life I felt like I was starting to live life with a clean slate.
I'm sure many will say that I have far from a clean slate. I'm a convicted felon. A registered sex offender and reviled by many in society. Let me clarify. I have no more secrets or lies. I have lived my entire life, at least from about 9 years old, hiding something. I hid my attraction to pornography, my addiction to drugs and alcohol, my shame and fears. I hid my insecurities and my self-hatred.
Now, I have, or more accurately God has, laid open these secrets and freed me from the darkness I've lived in for so long. I am now free to love others, love myself and actually serve society rather than be a burden. I may still have to own the labels I've earned, but I no longer have to be imprisoned by my shame. I pray others are able to find this freedom without having to lose theirs.
God bless,
David
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Six Years and A New Life (from David)
David sent me this blog post. It is dated December 9, 2009.
David writes:
I had my sentencing hearing today. It was one of the most powerful events in my life. The thumbnail is that I was given six years and a lifetime of supervision. I am grateful for this sentence and believe it is fair. Some may argue it is not enough and others that it is too much.
I think any less would have minimized the seriousness of the crime and more may have been too harsh. This sentence should send the message that even "just" viewing child pornography is a significant crime with real consequences and real victims. I pray that the awareness raised by our experiences have some impact on people who are traveling the same road. You don't have to end up where I am. Take this opportunity to get help. You ARE hurting children, your family, and yourself.
As I said to the judge, I am committed to continuing our efforts, and hopefully will be able to expand them as I settle into prison.
I feel awkward thanking people at this time, but I am so blessed to have God in my life, an amazing wife, a supportive family, generous friends and so many people who are praying for us. Our attorney, Joe Cheshire, will always have a special place in our heart. He did more than just represent us. He cares about us and went above and beyond in his work on our behalf. I also have to let Dr. Donna Peaslee know how much she has meant to us. I love you, Donna. And I'm so grateful for Pastor Ricky Mill from Providence Baptist Church. He helped lead me to Christ which is the biggest gift anyone can give. Finally, people like Dr. Mike Adams, Dr. Linnea Smith, Nancy Burson and members of our support groups all gave us so much of their time, love and support. God bless you all.
This is not the end of anything. In fact, I see this as the beginning of a new chapter in our life. One that offers the opportunity for redemption and the chance to be of service to society.
Also, a thank you to all of those who read and contribute to www.fromshame2grace.com. We are going to continue this initiative and welcome your thoughts, experience and insights.
God bless,
David
David writes:
I had my sentencing hearing today. It was one of the most powerful events in my life. The thumbnail is that I was given six years and a lifetime of supervision. I am grateful for this sentence and believe it is fair. Some may argue it is not enough and others that it is too much.
I think any less would have minimized the seriousness of the crime and more may have been too harsh. This sentence should send the message that even "just" viewing child pornography is a significant crime with real consequences and real victims. I pray that the awareness raised by our experiences have some impact on people who are traveling the same road. You don't have to end up where I am. Take this opportunity to get help. You ARE hurting children, your family, and yourself.
As I said to the judge, I am committed to continuing our efforts, and hopefully will be able to expand them as I settle into prison.
I feel awkward thanking people at this time, but I am so blessed to have God in my life, an amazing wife, a supportive family, generous friends and so many people who are praying for us. Our attorney, Joe Cheshire, will always have a special place in our heart. He did more than just represent us. He cares about us and went above and beyond in his work on our behalf. I also have to let Dr. Donna Peaslee know how much she has meant to us. I love you, Donna. And I'm so grateful for Pastor Ricky Mill from Providence Baptist Church. He helped lead me to Christ which is the biggest gift anyone can give. Finally, people like Dr. Mike Adams, Dr. Linnea Smith, Nancy Burson and members of our support groups all gave us so much of their time, love and support. God bless you all.
This is not the end of anything. In fact, I see this as the beginning of a new chapter in our life. One that offers the opportunity for redemption and the chance to be of service to society.
Also, a thank you to all of those who read and contribute to www.fromshame2grace.com. We are going to continue this initiative and welcome your thoughts, experience and insights.
God bless,
David
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Sentencing (from Lisa)
As you may or may not know, on December 9, 2009 David was sentenced to 72 months in federal prison for receipt of child pornography. (Here is the link to the newspaper article: http://www.newsobserver.com/news/counties/wake_county/story/233939.html )
He is now a convicted felon. I cannot believe this is my life.
He was sentenced just shy of one year since Federal agents showed up at our door. Little did I know that day (December 16, 2008) would change my life forever. For as awful as the last year has been, I can say that some good things have come out of it. First, even though David and I are physically separated, we are closer than ever. We (he) have no more secrets. We have learned and still are learning how to communicate with each other. Second, we are both much closer to Christ. ( Jeremiah 29:11) God has a plan. This has become our motto. God knows what he is doing. We may not like what his plan is, but he has the ultimate say. Third, we have helped others along the way. I have had countless women email me through this blog telling me their stories. Most are in the very same situation. Please stay strong ladies. This is not your fault. Believe it or not, what your husbands have done had nothing to do with you. It took me a while to realize that. It's hard not to take it personally, but don't. And lastly, I'm becoming independent. And I don't mean single. I have realized that I have always lived with a man. My parents, my first boyfriend out of college, and then my husband. There were a few months here and there I was alone, but not to the point where I had to truly take care of myself. I always had someone else's advice, thoughts, guidance, etc... I am now in control. It is a very difficult thing when you are not used to it. I am still struggling with making decisions on my own. I look for others input. Not to say that advice from others isn't helpful or sometimes necessary. But I mean that I am learning to be an adult and not to rely on someone else to take care of me.
I'm not sure what this year will bring, but look forward to the future and all good things with it. Thanks for reading.
Lisa Chatham
He is now a convicted felon. I cannot believe this is my life.
He was sentenced just shy of one year since Federal agents showed up at our door. Little did I know that day (December 16, 2008) would change my life forever. For as awful as the last year has been, I can say that some good things have come out of it. First, even though David and I are physically separated, we are closer than ever. We (he) have no more secrets. We have learned and still are learning how to communicate with each other. Second, we are both much closer to Christ. ( Jeremiah 29:11) God has a plan. This has become our motto. God knows what he is doing. We may not like what his plan is, but he has the ultimate say. Third, we have helped others along the way. I have had countless women email me through this blog telling me their stories. Most are in the very same situation. Please stay strong ladies. This is not your fault. Believe it or not, what your husbands have done had nothing to do with you. It took me a while to realize that. It's hard not to take it personally, but don't. And lastly, I'm becoming independent. And I don't mean single. I have realized that I have always lived with a man. My parents, my first boyfriend out of college, and then my husband. There were a few months here and there I was alone, but not to the point where I had to truly take care of myself. I always had someone else's advice, thoughts, guidance, etc... I am now in control. It is a very difficult thing when you are not used to it. I am still struggling with making decisions on my own. I look for others input. Not to say that advice from others isn't helpful or sometimes necessary. But I mean that I am learning to be an adult and not to rely on someone else to take care of me.
I'm not sure what this year will bring, but look forward to the future and all good things with it. Thanks for reading.
Lisa Chatham
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Pegasus Chapter VI
Happy New Year! Amazing what a year has done. I finally got it. It’s me. Those boys in my 7th grade class were correct. I do look like a “baboon-butt”; as I vividly recall them taunting me as I walked out the middle-school cafeteria. ‘Baboon, where are you going?’ ‘Monkey girl…do you want a banana?’ they would shout as they grabbed their genitals offering their ripe bananas.
Looking back, I was long and lanky, no fat on my body except for a butt similar to J.Lo's, who is making plenty of money off of it now. But for a common, average girl with no self-esteem, I accepted the fact that I was or at minimum, looked like a full-breed baboon.
Yeah, yeah, yeah for the people that know me…stop being politically correct. I know what I look like…you never were appalled at the notion before. You sat there and let it happened. You didn’t stop the taunting. You sat as they called me monkey and said nothing, secretly laughing inside.
Admit it, you confirmed your family’s thoughts thru your present-day thoughts. You think me and the other baboons are unattractive, fat, ugly and repulsive. You secretly are glad that you don’t live in my skin --- covered with the ulcers and all. You couldn’t image anyone having sex with me, could you? The anti-vomiting medicine is on the right side of your medicine cabinet, if you need it.
Now that you are back and fully medicated..think though this….. What would happen if a baby was created…that child would be so baboon-ugly! Worse, a baboon sex-addict. Ugh.
It’s so clear. Otherwise why wouldn’t a healthy man like my non-gay husband not want to be intimate with me? I’m sure my monkey-breathe turned his stomach. Poor thing. I tormented him.
Can you blame him? What if YOU were married to me, the baboon? According to Google, I’m "monkey-like" whose ancestors are from Africa. I have a strong torso, a snout-like face, sharp canine teeth, powerful jaws, coarse body hair and a naked rump when I decided not to wear underwear that day. Clearly, this description is a far cry from the porn stars that our beloved sex addictions masturbated to everyday.
The definition goes on to say, I, Holey Mother, the baboon, am active during the day and eat both plant (I love spinach) and animal (I love steak). I live to form large groups and travel together foraging for food. That’s me; I will travel a distance for a great dinner at Ruth Chris with a bunch of friends.
I googled “Butt”…but its TMI (too much information) for this blog. I trust that you can picture a butt?
Now, just put the two words together; Baboon and Butt and then you will picture me, “HOLEY MOTHER! CREATOR OF SEX ADDICT!”
Looking back, I was long and lanky, no fat on my body except for a butt similar to J.Lo's, who is making plenty of money off of it now. But for a common, average girl with no self-esteem, I accepted the fact that I was or at minimum, looked like a full-breed baboon.
Yeah, yeah, yeah for the people that know me…stop being politically correct. I know what I look like…you never were appalled at the notion before. You sat there and let it happened. You didn’t stop the taunting. You sat as they called me monkey and said nothing, secretly laughing inside.
Admit it, you confirmed your family’s thoughts thru your present-day thoughts. You think me and the other baboons are unattractive, fat, ugly and repulsive. You secretly are glad that you don’t live in my skin --- covered with the ulcers and all. You couldn’t image anyone having sex with me, could you? The anti-vomiting medicine is on the right side of your medicine cabinet, if you need it.
Now that you are back and fully medicated..think though this….. What would happen if a baby was created…that child would be so baboon-ugly! Worse, a baboon sex-addict. Ugh.
It’s so clear. Otherwise why wouldn’t a healthy man like my non-gay husband not want to be intimate with me? I’m sure my monkey-breathe turned his stomach. Poor thing. I tormented him.
Can you blame him? What if YOU were married to me, the baboon? According to Google, I’m "monkey-like" whose ancestors are from Africa. I have a strong torso, a snout-like face, sharp canine teeth, powerful jaws, coarse body hair and a naked rump when I decided not to wear underwear that day. Clearly, this description is a far cry from the porn stars that our beloved sex addictions masturbated to everyday.
The definition goes on to say, I, Holey Mother, the baboon, am active during the day and eat both plant (I love spinach) and animal (I love steak). I live to form large groups and travel together foraging for food. That’s me; I will travel a distance for a great dinner at Ruth Chris with a bunch of friends.
I googled “Butt”…but its TMI (too much information) for this blog. I trust that you can picture a butt?
Now, just put the two words together; Baboon and Butt and then you will picture me, “HOLEY MOTHER! CREATOR OF SEX ADDICT!”
Sunday, January 3, 2010
I Hope, therefore I Am (from David)
David sent me this blog post. It is dated December 2, 2009.
David writes:
I've come to believe that living life without hope is like eating wood. It will fill you up, but it isn't very satisfying. Looking back on my life, I've eaten alot of sticks. On a scale of 1-10, one being utterly hopeless and ten being full of hope, most of my life has been around a three.
I always had a sense of dread. A feeling that I was pre-destined to fail, or at least not succeed. Even at the height of my professional success I was constantly fearful and hopeless. I felt like a train barreling down a track toward a ravine with no bridge. Disaster was unavoidable.
What's amazing is now that I've "lost" everything of any material value, I have hope that is turned up to 11 (for all you Spinal Tap fans). I see so many possibilities and opportunities despite a looming prison term. Go figure. Now I'm not suggesting you follow the same path. In fact, just the opposite. Find your dream, your purpose and you will find hope. I did.
God bless,
David
David writes:
I've come to believe that living life without hope is like eating wood. It will fill you up, but it isn't very satisfying. Looking back on my life, I've eaten alot of sticks. On a scale of 1-10, one being utterly hopeless and ten being full of hope, most of my life has been around a three.
I always had a sense of dread. A feeling that I was pre-destined to fail, or at least not succeed. Even at the height of my professional success I was constantly fearful and hopeless. I felt like a train barreling down a track toward a ravine with no bridge. Disaster was unavoidable.
What's amazing is now that I've "lost" everything of any material value, I have hope that is turned up to 11 (for all you Spinal Tap fans). I see so many possibilities and opportunities despite a looming prison term. Go figure. Now I'm not suggesting you follow the same path. In fact, just the opposite. Find your dream, your purpose and you will find hope. I did.
God bless,
David
Friday, January 1, 2010
The Old Dave (from David)
David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 26, 2009.
David writes:
I was talking on the phone with Lisa the other day and I asked her, "How did you put up with me for 10 years?" I said that I was a real jackass, disrespectful, selfish, self-centered and rude. Not to mention deceitful, shallow, cold, uncaring and many more adjectives I'm sure she could add to with little trouble. She laughed at first, but I was serious.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful God put Lisa in my life and compelled her to stay with me. But I look back and am amazed at how sick I really was. I was so deep into my addiction, shame and self-hatred that I had no room to love others. I regret so much how I've treated Lisa and others in my life. And how I treated myself.
This last year has been a gift. For me to see that I am worthy of God's love and that I can love myself and others is so incredible. The scales are off my heart. As always, I wish it didn't take what it took, but I'm grateful it happened at all. I can't see going through another 40 years as the Old Dave. Good riddance, dude.
God bless,
David
David writes:
I was talking on the phone with Lisa the other day and I asked her, "How did you put up with me for 10 years?" I said that I was a real jackass, disrespectful, selfish, self-centered and rude. Not to mention deceitful, shallow, cold, uncaring and many more adjectives I'm sure she could add to with little trouble. She laughed at first, but I was serious.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful God put Lisa in my life and compelled her to stay with me. But I look back and am amazed at how sick I really was. I was so deep into my addiction, shame and self-hatred that I had no room to love others. I regret so much how I've treated Lisa and others in my life. And how I treated myself.
This last year has been a gift. For me to see that I am worthy of God's love and that I can love myself and others is so incredible. The scales are off my heart. As always, I wish it didn't take what it took, but I'm grateful it happened at all. I can't see going through another 40 years as the Old Dave. Good riddance, dude.
God bless,
David
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