Giving in, but not giving up (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 26, 2009.

David writes:

I have fought for control my whole life. As a child I was willful and obstinate. As a teenager I was rebellious and indignant. As an adult I was controlling and contentious. Makes you wish you had known me then, huh? Or glad you didn't? I always thought giving in to others' will meant giving up who I was.

Through the miracle of this last year I've found that I actually gain so much more by giving in to God and others. By giving in to their will, I'm able to experience freedom from self. And I've found that I'm usually my own worst enemy.

Not that I've become a noodle-spined sheep following others off a cliff. Just the opposite. I've been given the strength and wisdom to discern what is the "right" (Godly) choice for me. And I don't rely on stubborn self-will to run my life. And it's amazing how smart others have become in the last 12 months. Must be all that organ food and fish oil out there. :-)

God bless,
David

Giving Thanks A To Z (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 24, 2009.

David writes:

One of the tools I've used to help me get back on track when I'm feeling down or when self-pity creeps in is a gratitude list. I thought it was appropriate to create one it being Thanksgiving season and all. I decided I would put an extra little twist and see if I could come up with a list using all 26 letters of the alphabet. Here it goes:

Acceptance
Bible
Conscience
Donna Peaslee
Empathy
Family
God
Honesty
Intelligence
Joe Cheshire
Kisses (from Lisa)
Lisa - my wife
Mike Adams
Newness
Ocean
Pizza
Quiet
Respect
Serenity
Twelve Steps
Unity
Victory
Worship
Xantham (I like gum, what can I say)
Yearning
Zeal

Not as easy as it seems. Give it a shot. I feel more grateful already.

God bless,
David

The Second Half: From Selfishness to Service (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 22, 2009.

David writes:

I was meeting with our Pastor this past week, and he mentioned a story about a man named Bob Buford who was a wealthy business owner and Christian. As Bob reached his later years he decided to turn over his businesses to trusted managers and spend his time reaching out to large churches to help them manage their organizations more efficiently. He did this at no charge and on his own dime for travel and all. He wrote a book about his efforts called "Half Time". He was devoting the second half of his life to service.

As I look back I think the first half of my life was spent on selfish pursuits. I focused on status and material possessions and my own "success". Now that I have a chance to take a breather and experience my own half time, I'm looking forward to a second half devoted to service to others and to God.

In football, coaches use half-time to make adjustments to their game plan. I have this same opportunity. My first half I got pounded. My defense was weak, my offense wasn't scoring and even special teams missed their marks. In the second half I actually have the chance to regroup, refocus and recommit. Offensively I'm working on service before self. Defensively I'm building a relationship with a higher power, and on special teams I'm focused on rebuilding my marriage. Sounds like a plan. Keep cheering for us.

God bless,
David

Never Give Up (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 18, 2009.

David writes:

Those who know me, know that I'm a hockey fan. Specifically, a Carolina Hurricanes fan. If you follow hockey at all you know that our Canes currently hold the unenviable position of being dead last in the league. They have lost 15 of the last 16 games, 14 of those were in a row, tieing a team record.

Now there are many things they could blame this streak on, but basically it comes down to the fact that they score less than their opponents.

But you know what. The Canes' coaches and players show up for every game. You can't win if you don't show up. They get on the ice, skate and shoot to win. They aren't hiding in the locker room or blaming each other. They are practicing and training. Will they win again? Probably. They are a good set of players working to build a successful team. Just showing up is the start.

For recovery we have to do the same thing. We have to show up and practice and train. We're not always going to win each "game" but we can improve and make it a contest worth watching.

God bless,
David

A Short, Sad Life (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 17, 2009.

David writes:

Shaniya Davis only lived five years, and her last days must have been terrifying. According to news reports (http://www.newsobserver.com/opinion/editorials/story/197152.html), her mother sold her into sexual slavery to a man that ultimately took her young life. What a shameful loss. I was thinking that had I continued the path I was on, would I have seen pictures of Shaniya being sexually abused by this man? It certainly is a possibility had he successfully escaped with her and used her for sexual purposes.

That is a difficult thought. How many of the kids in those images I saw were facing a similar fate as Shaniya? It makes my stomach turn and my heart sink. It also gives me even more motivation to do all that I can to impact this horrible crime. I pray that what we are doing is making a difference and that God directs us in our efforts. If we can just save one child we will have succeeded. I know we can do more. We ask for your prayers, ideas and support. We're all accountable!

Please pray for Shaniya and her family that they find peace during this time.

God bless,
David

Serenity NOW! (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 16, 2009.

David writes:

I have been wearing out the Serenity prayer lately. We got some new, young guys on the block and they don't seem to have the maturity and mellowness of some of us older folk. They tend to be loud, talk all night and just make noise often. I know jail isn't known for peace and quiet, but I would like to enjoy some sleep the 6 hours the lights are dimmed (not turned off) between 11:30pm and 5:30am.

So I have been asking God for the Serenity to accept the things I can quite regularly. It does seem to help. I don't get as frustrated, even at 2am when I'm still awake hearing Jr. yelling for no apparent reason. I've come to believe that as long as I'm willing to reach out and do my part, God more than lives up to his end of the deal. Thank God!

God bless,
David

The Pegasus Secret. Part V It happens to Women too. Strategy A:

Part V It happens to Women too. Strategy A:

Day turned into weeks. Weeks into years. Honey, I would beg, please, please, sweety hold me, touch me. He would reply. “Don’t want none”. As he push my arms away as I was attempting to hug him. “Don’t want any” and flared his nose in the air away from me, signaling no intimacy. Once, again no sex.

Gosh, I would hold my body so tight so it would not explode. I didn’t know if it was going to blow-up from sex hormones out of control or break-down in tears because of the rejections. Either way it was going to be painful, hurtful and overflowing with humiliation.

I remember the new strategy that I came up with after arriving from an Austin, TX business trip. Strategy A: “Don’t look desperate for it”. OK, no more silky lingerie. No more acting nice. Just bully your way into bed and go for it. That’s it. Let him get it. So I waited, and waited, and waited until he arrive in the bed. Then I pretended that I was asleep. I was a fox seeking out her prey. As time forwarded, I pushed my leg toward him. Nothing. Then I heard him change the channel on the remote. CNN was so loud in my conscious. I wanted to say to the news reporter; SHUT THE HELL UP I’m TRYING TO CONVINCE MY HUSBAND TO HAVE SEX WITH ME.

Then it I knew I had to put it at it at full power; Strategy A, that is. I would pretend to be awakened by CNN. Cuddle intimately underneath him. I know what you men are thinking…. How did you look? No, I didn’t have cold cream on my face nor curlers in my hair. But still no bites from my non-gay husband. Damnit.

Desperate time calls for desperate measures. It’s on. I’m going to take it. I don’t care. I jumped on him. Naked breasts out and all. He turned his head in disgust. He didn’t want to see, nor touch it, nor smell the softness of a woman; nor me. I didn’t care. It was his duty. Make love to me now. Do something now. He did. Got up. Left the room. Shut the door as he exited.

The Pegasus Secret. Part IV Announcement! The Family of Secrets have entered the Building

It became a secret that our family has secrets. But the only person that recognized these secrets was me. I, of course, wasn’t going to tell anyone. It was way to shameful.

I woke up one day and realized, I had a teenage son that was always behind closed doors, a non-gay husband that was always at the mall, and a young son who was rallied to watch “Days of our Lives” when he arrived home from school with Grandma North.

I was so bewildered. How did I get here? I worked, worked; gave, gave; sacrificed, sacrificed. No one was breathing in my lungs. It was just me trying to blow life in my family. Blow. Blow. Blow. Blow harder damnit. It was like blowing into a balloon that had a small hole in it. The more I blew, the more our family’s life deflated.

Then I took a really good look at “them”. I saw puppets on a string. Dancing to the tune of the outside world’s minimum expectations. Even the dog seemed too complacent. My family was disappointing to me. I was so ashamed to think it; let alone write it to you.

I’m was lonely in my own home. I was the odd ball. But when convenient, I was the centre of the family. When things went south, they come running back to the nucleus.

As I served as the ad-hoc core, I felt the heavy hatred of Grandma North over me. I felt that she resented the fact that I earned the right to sleep with her prize possession. My husband was her only worthy accomplishment.

She hated that she could no longer be inside of him…that I was there intruding in her sacred space. I felt her burning, steamy, stank breathe on my neck as I walked through my day. She resented that I was a great mother in the eyes of the people that didn’t know the secret. She was jealous. Her life was shameful. She didn’t know who fathered my non-gay husband. I don’t judge. I don’t care. It was her burden that she absorbed me into.

She was angry that she wasn’t my husband’s wife. She seeked a man like him. Milk-toast, no substance, happy-go-lucky --- she birthed her perfect husband. What a secret. A secret life that now I must take to my grave because it is so sick.

Courage Under Fire (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 16, 2009.

David writes:

I've been reading the book Flags of our Fathers about the six flag raisers on Iwo Jima during WWII.  It was made into a movie in the last few years.  I am in awe of the sheer courage and commitment of the young Marines who fought in one of the most important, and deadliest, battles of any war.  There were 7,000 U.S. deaths and more than 25,000 casualties.  The Japanese lost almost everyone of their 22,000 men on the island.

The Marines faced a Japanese army that was entrenched in the island.  They had dug bunkers and tunnels throughout the island making it almost inpenetrable.

The Marines attacked the island in February of 1943.  For 30 days they battled an invisible enemy, suffered huge casualties and demoralizing fear.  But because they were fighting for each other, for their buddy next to them, they never gave up.  They were truly heroes.

I can only aspire to building that kind of relationship with the people in my life.  That I'm willing to sacrifice for them.  It may not ever require that I sacrifice my life, but for me to live each day for others is my point.  For so many years, 43 to be exact, I lived for myself.  Now I strive to be selfless rather than selfish.  Giving rather than getting.  Caring rather than being cared for.

Thank God we have people willing to lay down their lives for others to ensure our freedom.  I pray that we all strive to live that principle.

God bless,
David

Progress not Perfection (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 12, 2009.

David writes:

The last few days have been a little challenging for me. I've been feeling very remorseful and angry at myself for the pain I've caused Lisa and others. I don't say this to illicit any pity, just to provide some context for this post.

These feelings have brought back some of the shame and guilt of my past. And with that shame has come the temptation to fall back on old habits like isolation and resentment.

I know, how can someone who is spending 23 hours a day alone in a cell not be isolated? Believe it or not, for me, I can be ultra-isolated. Just like the addict I am, I can take anything to the extreme. So as I started feeling the shame creep up, I noticed I began to withdraw into myself even more. I slept during the day, didn't talk to my block-mates and chose not to call family and friends during my hour of break. Hence, a whole other level of isolation.

I also noticed that I was beginning to be short-tempered and impatient. I was terse with my blockmates and guards. The good news is it only took me a day to diagnose what I was doing and work on correcting it. I said the Serenity Prayer, committed to talking to people and called others on my break.

While I wish I didn't fall back, it's definitely progress to identify and work on defects of character quickly. Or at least more quickly than before. Progress not perfection, right?

God bless,
David

Deal, or No Deal (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 11, 2009.

David writes:

The thought of doing 10 years in federal prison is a scary one. Not that I fear for my well-being as much as I fear what it may do to my relationships with Lisa and all those I have gotten to know and love through these times. But if you told me I wouldn't have to do a single day in prison if I gave up all I've gained in the last 11 months, I would have to say "No Deal".

From the freedom from my addiction to my relationship with Lisa to my relationship with Christ, I couldn't think of giving up any of those priceless gifts. And those are just the tip of the blessing iceberg.

I've talked a lot about the blessings we've received so I won't list them again. But just know that the list is long and filled with amazing gifts.

So, while I'm not looking forward to whatever my sentence is, I know that the rewards we have received have made me eternally grateful and eternally blessed. Now that's a good deal.

God bless,
David

Is Tiger Woods a Sex Addict? (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated December 2, 2009.

David writes:

OK, I tried to talk myself out of writing this one, but I lost the argument with myself. I hate to wade into tabloid trash, but it seems like there maybe a nugget or two here as it relates to the Tiger Woods imbroglio.

Doesn't Tiger have it all? He gets paid hundreds of millions of dollars to play a game. He gets paid to put his name and face to everything from Gatorade to Tag Heuer watches. He has a beautiful super-model wife. Homes all over the world. A growing family. The respect of children and adults. He is living the dream!

Or at least that's what we thought. It turns out Tiger decided to stray from his marriage to have sex with one (and possibly more) woman other than his wife. Now this does not a sex addict make. But combine that with hundreds of sexual text messages and his willingness to sacrifice all that he has built for the sake of sex (not love). There seems to be the possibility that he may at the minimum have some sexual dysfunction going on. I pray that he and his family work this out and he gets what he needs to find peace.

It doesn't go unnoticed that if you take away the millions, his story is similar to mine and so many others who achieved material success but chose sexual acting out and risked losing it all.

God bless,
David

Mystery Solved (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 9, 2009.

David writes:

I love a good mystery. I've been reading alot of Patterson and Cornwell since I've been in jail. In the depths of my addiction and acting out I would ask myself, "Why am I like this?" I could not understand how a somewhat intelligent person could choose this way of life. That I would willingly look at child pornography, spend sleepless nights looking at pornography and chatting online. That I would risk my entire life as I knew it for so little reward. That I would ignore the sad faces of children and the damage I was doing to my marriage.

Even when I was in recovery I still had no clue why I was what I was. I told Dr. Peaslee, our therapist, that if I got nothing else out of therapy, I wanted to understand what led me to the choices I made. As we progressed in therapy it became obvious that I would never solve the mystery with a single answer. It wasn't the butler in the pantry with a knife. It was a series of events and choices over time. From early sexual acting out to discovery of pornography at 9 to drug addiction to discovering the Internet, to distant relationships and self-hatred to conscious choices to look at child pornography. They were all clues that helped solve the case. Had I chosen to examine the clues earlier, the mystery may have had a different ending. That's what I encourage others to do. Don't let others write your ending. Become your own coauthor (with God) and end the mystery.

God bless,
David

What? Me Worry? (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 9, 2009.

David writes:

I was speaking with Lisa the other day. It probably goes without saying that we have alot of balls in the air right now. Especially as it relates to my sentencing. We were talking about it and how hard it is not to worry. And then she said, "You know, I was reading that worrying means you aren't trusting God." You could have knocked me out of my orange jumpsuit. Was this my Lisa? Where did this come from?

I was amazed and grateful and so overwhelmed with joy. I shed a few tears and told her how proud of her I was and how far she has come. And I meant every word.

No day is ideal right now. But I can't say that I would change anything if it meant we would lose what we have gained through this. God has given us so many blessings. I can't wait to see what's next. So as Lisa suggests - Don't Worry, Be Happy.

God bless,
David

The End? (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 8, 2009.

David writes:

What I wouldn't give some days to have a crystal ball. Instead, I have to settle for a daily episode of my life without a clue as to what the next scene looks like, much less the ending.

Since I don't have a crystal ball or a script, I have to trust that the direction of this series that is my life has control. And that is difficult to do sometimes. I have never liked letting others control things. Just ask Lisa. Or my friends. Or my therapist who has said to me probably 50 times, "David, you're controlling again." It was just like breathing for me.

The only thing that has helped me to relinquish control (no, not jail!) is the acceptance that God is sovereign over my life. To trust that he has my best interest in directing my life.

Does that mean I'm not responsible? Just the opposite. I have to commit every day to live a positive life, a Godly life. A life focused on serving others. Not serving my will or desires.

So forget the crystal ball. I have faith. I have hope.

God bless,
David