The boys got busy…and I got them busier. Basketball, soccer, boy scouts, run here, rush there. Work got more challenging and exhilarating for me. Promotion here, more responsibility there and my reputation as Holey Mother and Business Manager remained flawless. Damn, I was good in my own LaLa mind.
New puppy led to new old house. The old new house led to renovations then more projects to help fill our LaLa home. Run Holey Mother, Run! Run, pass out. Get up and do it again. Yes, I did it just like the Nike commercial. Just do it!
When I fell in the bed, I would look to the left and watch my “I don’t think I’m Gay” husband snore. The snoring grew louder as I watched longer. It was so loud that I felt he was yelling at me. I imaged him screaming “Get out! Get the hell out of my house”. In fear, I would shake him awake but he didn’t yell, he apologized, told me to go to sleep and turned over away from me. The next morning the LaLa ritual started again.
Heir (my first born and sex addict) was such a rebel child. Wildly funny in his own way. I adored him and his un-gay dad did too. He was so cute; always moving up and down; side to side; anywhere and everywhere. We embraced his energy but were consistent disciplinarians. However, his teachers couldn’t keep up with him, and grew frustrated by him. The conversations soon sounded like this: “There is something wrong with “Heir” he can’t stay focused, he never listens, he needs meds and/or he needs to see a psychologist”. Husband would reply, “Nonsense, Heir is just an energetic boy you need to deal with it – there is nothing wrong with him”. I stayed silent when he spoke because I liked being the submissive LaLa wife. But I secretively remained in close contact with the teachers, visiting often, talking and pleaded with Heir to behave. I hid being a “real” mother from my LaLa life. No one knew that I was sneaking around trying to keep peace with the teachers, the nannies, the babysitters, the neighbors, the grandparents. No one could know, especially the non-gay husband for it would mess-up our LaLa image. Some days I was really good and then one day I made a big mistake.
The first time in 3 years; I was late picking Heir up from the bus stop. What’s the big deal, he’s in high school now? That was 10 minutes too late. There was a police car surrounding my “Heir”. There were women lurking out the store front window baffled by him. I soon learned that Heir exposed himself to the women in the store. Just like that, Heir became a “peeper”. I cell phoned husband immediately for I couldn’t hide this one. He was there in minutes. We talked the police officer out of pressing charges. “Peeper Heir” said nothing. I called psychologists and no one would take him.
Then I thought back, what were all those mysterious women’s panties in my laundry? Why was Heir always on the computer? Why is Heir not sleeping at night? Why is there now this glassed-over look in his eyes? Stop, no, stop, I don’t want to know the answers, RUN, run Holey Mother like the Nike commercial back to LaLa! So I did. Husband was so happy I did. I was stressing over nothing, he would banter. Boys will be boys. You make mountains out of molehills. You are a drama queen, Holey Mother, Stop it! LaLa is much more peaceful for the family. Please stop it.
So I did again. But this time, I put my foot down and made some changes. I withdraw Peeping Heir out of the large public school where his grades dropped to unspeakable levels and enrolled him in a small private religious school. With my work load getting heavier, I coordinated a car pool to eliminate the bus system. No more bus stops for me and Heir. Yes, finally there was controlled peace again. This change fell right in line with our LaLa life, so un-gay husband approved. It’s made our LaLa image even that much more impressive. Whew! Peace again, YES!
Then the phone rang. It was non-gay husband’s mother from the north. Within 3 weeks of the conversation, she moved in to our LaLa house. Husband explained that it would give us the needed relief from the day-2-day responsibilities of the kids and then I can focus more on work (later translated; he can have more “mall time”). Hummm. OK, I’m listening. Grandma North could help with sweet, quiet, no-fussy young Spare. Yes, that’s good, he’s no fuss at all and he does his homework without being reminded. Grandma can help us keep a closer eye on our LaLa non-peeper Heir. Bingo! I’m in.
The day she moved in was the beginning of the end of LaLa.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
The Pegasus Secret. Part II La La my lover.
The Pegasus Secret.
Part II La La my lover.
The mall outings continued which caused me to indulge more into the fake reality of “la la” land. Before I knew it, the spare was born and I’m running after two playful boys, teaching safety in every other conversation. Don’t talk to strangers, no naughty touches, and run if you feel uncomfortable. I’m sure my boys thought I was head of the FBI or insane. It didn’t matter, label me whatever you choose; if that prevents my boys from being molested…I’m ok being known as insane.
Life was busy after finding a job; causing me to consider my self-reality and separate from la la. I knew la la wasn’t good, but I was addicted to it that same way sex addicts are drawn to porn. “La La” land, made me feel safe, protected, worthy. But I know it wasn’t good, but my mind was trapped in it. I couldn’t no matter how hard I tried, pull myself to face reality; it was so much more comfortable sitting in the lap of “La La”.
My career soared and the job accomplishments made love to me in the most passionate way; unlike my husband. So I added to ‘la la’ by buying the beach home, exotic Disney vacation (if there is such a thing) and hired The Nanny. Again, nurturing my life in “la la” land; resisting the temptation of self-accomplishment, self-assurance and self-esteem. I wanted just to be the ideal wife and mother in my “la la” mind.
At this point, I don’t remember any conversations between me and my husband…just that he and the mall were still in love.
Part II La La my lover.
The mall outings continued which caused me to indulge more into the fake reality of “la la” land. Before I knew it, the spare was born and I’m running after two playful boys, teaching safety in every other conversation. Don’t talk to strangers, no naughty touches, and run if you feel uncomfortable. I’m sure my boys thought I was head of the FBI or insane. It didn’t matter, label me whatever you choose; if that prevents my boys from being molested…I’m ok being known as insane.
Life was busy after finding a job; causing me to consider my self-reality and separate from la la. I knew la la wasn’t good, but I was addicted to it that same way sex addicts are drawn to porn. “La La” land, made me feel safe, protected, worthy. But I know it wasn’t good, but my mind was trapped in it. I couldn’t no matter how hard I tried, pull myself to face reality; it was so much more comfortable sitting in the lap of “La La”.
My career soared and the job accomplishments made love to me in the most passionate way; unlike my husband. So I added to ‘la la’ by buying the beach home, exotic Disney vacation (if there is such a thing) and hired The Nanny. Again, nurturing my life in “la la” land; resisting the temptation of self-accomplishment, self-assurance and self-esteem. I wanted just to be the ideal wife and mother in my “la la” mind.
At this point, I don’t remember any conversations between me and my husband…just that he and the mall were still in love.
Friday, November 27, 2009
What's Your Story? (from David)
David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 5, 2009.
David writes:
Everybody has a story. Sadly, many of the stories I've heard in jail revolve around absent or abusive parents, drugs, poor choices and even some stupidity and just plain evil. One guy, probably about 24, has 4 kids with 4 different women. He has spent most of his adult life in jails and prison and is going away for 4 years this time. He didn't even know his father. His mother was a drug addict. He had very little chance to succeed.
A friend sent me a book, To Be Told, by Dr. Dan Allender. He's also the author of The Wounded Heart, of which I have spoken about before. To Be Told challenges us to listen to our life stories and identify the common threads God has sewn there. The goal is that once we have discovered these threads that we can then be armed to coauthor, with God, the next chapters of our life.
I've just started reading the book, but I love the premise. Too often we sprint through life without reflecting on how we got here. And we spend even less time thinking about our purpose in this world. I now believe I'm here to do more than just suck up oxygen and pay bills. I am cautiously optimistic that between me and my Coauthor, my story has a real shot at a happy ending.
God bless,
David
David writes:
Everybody has a story. Sadly, many of the stories I've heard in jail revolve around absent or abusive parents, drugs, poor choices and even some stupidity and just plain evil. One guy, probably about 24, has 4 kids with 4 different women. He has spent most of his adult life in jails and prison and is going away for 4 years this time. He didn't even know his father. His mother was a drug addict. He had very little chance to succeed.
A friend sent me a book, To Be Told, by Dr. Dan Allender. He's also the author of The Wounded Heart, of which I have spoken about before. To Be Told challenges us to listen to our life stories and identify the common threads God has sewn there. The goal is that once we have discovered these threads that we can then be armed to coauthor, with God, the next chapters of our life.
I've just started reading the book, but I love the premise. Too often we sprint through life without reflecting on how we got here. And we spend even less time thinking about our purpose in this world. I now believe I'm here to do more than just suck up oxygen and pay bills. I am cautiously optimistic that between me and my Coauthor, my story has a real shot at a happy ending.
God bless,
David
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Exercise (from David)
David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 5, 2009.
David writes:
In order for exercise to be effective, you must do it regularly. Doing a few push-ups once a month will really do nothing, except maybe make you sore. As I found out when I was training for bike ride earlier this year, it takes consistent, hard work to really get into shape. You can't do it halfway. Or as they say in recovery, half measures availed us nothing.
I can't approach recovery like I approached my training for the ride. Instead of finishing the 150 miles, I ended up getting leg cramps and stopping at 50 miles. I should have ridden almost everyday, eaten better and studied proper technique. Instead, I rode when I felt like it, ate what I wanted and planned on just winging the technique.
If I truly value recovery, I can't just wing it. I have to work at it everyday. Half way only gets me half way.
God bless,
David
David writes:
In order for exercise to be effective, you must do it regularly. Doing a few push-ups once a month will really do nothing, except maybe make you sore. As I found out when I was training for bike ride earlier this year, it takes consistent, hard work to really get into shape. You can't do it halfway. Or as they say in recovery, half measures availed us nothing.
I can't approach recovery like I approached my training for the ride. Instead of finishing the 150 miles, I ended up getting leg cramps and stopping at 50 miles. I should have ridden almost everyday, eaten better and studied proper technique. Instead, I rode when I felt like it, ate what I wanted and planned on just winging the technique.
If I truly value recovery, I can't just wing it. I have to work at it everyday. Half way only gets me half way.
God bless,
David
Monday, November 23, 2009
Protecting Teens (from David)
David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 3, 2009.
David writes:
One of the behaviors I engaged in during my addiction was to take on the persona of a teenager and chat with "other" teenagers. It was an elaborate process of using a picture of a real teen, creating a name, a history and some sort of personality. I always picked pictures of attractive teen males. And created an athletic or adventurous persona. My therapist seemed to think one reason I did this was to try to experience what I missed in my own teen years as they were spent on drugs, alcohol and other dysfunctions. Not building relationships. I don't say this as an excuse, but more to provide some context.
I bring this up as a means to talk about some lessons I learned and wanted to pass on to parents of teens.
1. Be involved in what your teens are doing online. There should be no secrets. Know all their identities and passwords.
2. If they refuse to disclose, the consequence is no access.
3. Use an accountability software like Covenant Eyes on computers and phones.
4. Don't allow online relationships to replace "real" ones.
5. Do regular check-ins with your teen about online behaviors, risks, questions
6. Know the sites they visit - Myspace, Facebook, MSN
7. Know how they use their web cams
What I found most disturbing is how willing many teens are to have relationships online. It is natural for them. Most of their life is spent in front of some screen engaged with someone via an electronic connection. So many teens seem desperate for acceptance, and are willing to find it from someone they don't know. That someone could be a 15 year old boy, or a 40 year old man. There is no way to know for certain.
Please take this chance to address this issue with your teen. While I never sought to meet any teens, it happens regularly. I am ashamed of my actions, but as with child pornography, I hope my experience will help others.
God bless,
David
David writes:
One of the behaviors I engaged in during my addiction was to take on the persona of a teenager and chat with "other" teenagers. It was an elaborate process of using a picture of a real teen, creating a name, a history and some sort of personality. I always picked pictures of attractive teen males. And created an athletic or adventurous persona. My therapist seemed to think one reason I did this was to try to experience what I missed in my own teen years as they were spent on drugs, alcohol and other dysfunctions. Not building relationships. I don't say this as an excuse, but more to provide some context.
I bring this up as a means to talk about some lessons I learned and wanted to pass on to parents of teens.
1. Be involved in what your teens are doing online. There should be no secrets. Know all their identities and passwords.
2. If they refuse to disclose, the consequence is no access.
3. Use an accountability software like Covenant Eyes on computers and phones.
4. Don't allow online relationships to replace "real" ones.
5. Do regular check-ins with your teen about online behaviors, risks, questions
6. Know the sites they visit - Myspace, Facebook, MSN
7. Know how they use their web cams
What I found most disturbing is how willing many teens are to have relationships online. It is natural for them. Most of their life is spent in front of some screen engaged with someone via an electronic connection. So many teens seem desperate for acceptance, and are willing to find it from someone they don't know. That someone could be a 15 year old boy, or a 40 year old man. There is no way to know for certain.
Please take this chance to address this issue with your teen. While I never sought to meet any teens, it happens regularly. I am ashamed of my actions, but as with child pornography, I hope my experience will help others.
God bless,
David
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Consequences (from David)
David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 3, 2009.
David writes:
I received some paperwork about my case today. It was from the federal government and part of the document included a detailed account of my crime - receipt of child pornography. It is so hard to see the cold, hard facts in black and white. Most disturbing is the volume of images I had received throughout the years. Each image was of a child who had been subjected to some degree of sexual abuse. I can't overstate the remorse and regret I feel to have supported the crimes against these children by participating in the receiving of these images.
I pray for the victims/survivors of these terrible crimes. I also pray that something that we do will make a difference. Will help someone who was in my position to take the opportunity to stop supporting child pornography and reach out for help. You don't have to wait until you're facing 8-10 years in prison. Until you've lost your marriage, your kids, your career. If we can decrease the demand, we can make a difference. Please help spread the word. It is uncomfortable, but it is critical.
I didn't start out looking at child pornography. Many don't. I progressed from mainstream to child pornography over the course of years. As I became habituated to adult porn I found it took more deviant forms to have the same effect. Like a drug addict who starts with pot and progresses to heroin. As part of being accountable, turning our backs on pornography of any kind is the surest way to avoid the trap I chose to walk into. You can reach out to Twelve step programs, therapists, counselors and pastors to get help. This is all too serious an issue to ignore.
God bless,
David
David writes:
I received some paperwork about my case today. It was from the federal government and part of the document included a detailed account of my crime - receipt of child pornography. It is so hard to see the cold, hard facts in black and white. Most disturbing is the volume of images I had received throughout the years. Each image was of a child who had been subjected to some degree of sexual abuse. I can't overstate the remorse and regret I feel to have supported the crimes against these children by participating in the receiving of these images.
I pray for the victims/survivors of these terrible crimes. I also pray that something that we do will make a difference. Will help someone who was in my position to take the opportunity to stop supporting child pornography and reach out for help. You don't have to wait until you're facing 8-10 years in prison. Until you've lost your marriage, your kids, your career. If we can decrease the demand, we can make a difference. Please help spread the word. It is uncomfortable, but it is critical.
I didn't start out looking at child pornography. Many don't. I progressed from mainstream to child pornography over the course of years. As I became habituated to adult porn I found it took more deviant forms to have the same effect. Like a drug addict who starts with pot and progresses to heroin. As part of being accountable, turning our backs on pornography of any kind is the surest way to avoid the trap I chose to walk into. You can reach out to Twelve step programs, therapists, counselors and pastors to get help. This is all too serious an issue to ignore.
God bless,
David
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Letter to Survivors of Child Pornography(from David)
I was thinking about the survivors of child pornography and felt compelled to write a letter. It doesn't do justice communicating the depth of my regret or remorse, but I wanted to communicate my feelings.
Dear Survivor,
I saw the pain in your eyes. The betrayal. The shame. The fear. And yet I didn't look away. You were innocent and someone you trusted stole that innocence and cast it about the world without your consent. So not only were you abused by that person, but also subjected to that shame for a life time.
I chose to perpetuate your shame rather than help to heal it. You deserve so much more. I regret that I contributed to your pain. I have met survivors and have been face to face with them as adults and have seen the depth of their pain even decades after the fact. My heart breaks for them and you.
I so regret the pain I have caused you and am committed to doing all within my power to stop the trafficking of child pornography and the abuse that feeds it. I pray for you every day and hope that one day you will find peace. I don't think it is appropriate to ask for your forgiveness. But I do covet your prayers. May God bless you and keep you.
With Great Remorse,
David Alan Chatham
Dear Survivor,
I saw the pain in your eyes. The betrayal. The shame. The fear. And yet I didn't look away. You were innocent and someone you trusted stole that innocence and cast it about the world without your consent. So not only were you abused by that person, but also subjected to that shame for a life time.
I chose to perpetuate your shame rather than help to heal it. You deserve so much more. I regret that I contributed to your pain. I have met survivors and have been face to face with them as adults and have seen the depth of their pain even decades after the fact. My heart breaks for them and you.
I so regret the pain I have caused you and am committed to doing all within my power to stop the trafficking of child pornography and the abuse that feeds it. I pray for you every day and hope that one day you will find peace. I don't think it is appropriate to ask for your forgiveness. But I do covet your prayers. May God bless you and keep you.
With Great Remorse,
David Alan Chatham
The Pegasus Secret. Part 1
For all of my wonderful loving friends that enjoy same-sex relationships…you know how much I love you and how much I’ve discussed my marriage with you. I love you. To everyone else who don’t know me; read all of the parts. You’ll soon discover – sexual orientation is irrelevant to me just as long as you’re not deceiving anyone.
The Pegasus Secret. Part 1
5 years ago when I ask my husband of 12 years, “Are you gay”? He answered, “No, I don’t think so”. I didn’t ask any more questions; despite 2 years of no sex. I didn’t want to pursue his very ironic answer. I wanted to go on with my life as I knew it. So I did.
After the kids were born, we lived life in Suburbia USA, with the perfect children – an heir and a spare and a beautiful lakefront home with gorgeous views of rare birds and 2 beautiful white swans. My “I don’t think I’m gay” husband relished in this fantasy world. He had the perfect job where he was not accountable to anyone and could leave everyday at 4pm, pretty much unnoticed. And that he did. After arriving home later than expected, I always asked him; “Where have you been, honey?” and he would smile gently and answer; “At the mall”. There were no packages, no receipts, not even a Slurpy cup. Who goes to the mall and doesn’t order a Slurpy…at least once??
I reflect back when my oldest son, who is now a confirmed sex addict, was first born, we only had one car. Most times, I could muster enough energy from the late night breast feeding to drive my “I don’t think I’m gay” husband to his “non-homosexual” perfect job. When it was time to pick him up in the afternoon; he was anxious to go home, have dinner so he can take his evening outing to the mall, just after I’ve put the baby down to sleep –preventing me from going with him.
Then the mornings after ear infections, baby throw-up or teething; he drove himself to work. I had no energy to drive him since I would be sleeping as long as my Terror Baby, ooops! – I mean that beautiful bundle of joy was quiet. Then 4:30pm would roll around; then 5:30pm, then 6:30; now dinner is cold and now 7 or so my “I don’t think I’m gay” husband arrives home. He would beeline to the baby without any eye contact with me. I ask him the ever obvious question, “honey where have you been?” I’ve been calling you? The answer was always, “he had to work late” and then immediately take a shower even though dinner was on the table. He had to take his non-gay shower.
On the days that I drove him to work…I would say to myself; OK, my wonderful “I’m don’t think I’m” husband is taking care of his new family; how dare I, he's working so hard; such long hours to give us a better life. So I must support him by staying busy between 4-7 so he can work late. However, like clockwork on these days when I had the car; he would call me…why haven’t you picked me up yet? Its 4:30; and I would reply “honey, I figured you have to work late”. Oh not today, sweetie, he would utter – not today, I’m ready to come (cum?) home now.
Then I confronted him. “Honey, when I have the car you want to be picked up on time. When you have the car, you always have to work late even though you never pick up your office phone?”
His answer? He changed his then predictable routine and told me I was probably bored being a stay-at-home mon and probably needed to get a job. To settle it all, he brought me a car – so now we wouldn’t have to share. Case closed. Discussion over.
Signed - The Holey Mother
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Does God have a plan? (from Lisa)
I got news today that David's sentencing date is December 9. I am not looking forward to this date. I try to be strong. I try to be supportive. I am doing the best that I can. But, I am dreading this date. It has been 9 weeks since my husband was taken into custody. It has been a very long 9 weeks. I am so fortunate that I have my family, support group, church, and God. I know God has a plan. I often wonder what that plan is. I cannot believe this is my life. I am married to a sex addict who is in prison. I never would have thought that this would be my life. It's interesting how I look at things differently now. Every week that I go visit with David, I hear stories about the guys in there with him. The stories are sad. Most are young guys who don't have a high school diploma. They have no family or hope. We sent David a GED study guide. He had asked for us to send one, so he could help one of the guys in there. In order for David to be able to purchase items he needs like haircuts, shampoo, soap, etc...., someone from the outside has to send him money. If you do not have family or friends who are willing to send money, you don't get them. I should say what you get is the very bare minimum. I send David some books every week to help him pass the time. He writes alot of letters, reads books and the bible, and prays. I cannot help but to think that David has been sent there for a purpose. He has so much to offer. Why would he let it come to this? It's sad that he didn't ask for help. If he had, he might not be where he is right now. Of course then he wouldn't be helping all of the people he is helping. So, maybe God does have a plan.
Monday, November 16, 2009
No More Masks (from David)
David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 1, 2009.
David writes:
Halloween got me thinking about how much I hid behind masks throughout my life. From my early days I tried to be the smart kid and the funny kid. As a teenager I was the fun-loving druggie. In my 20's I was the recovery guru. In my 30's I was the PR guy. And most recently I was the Senior Vice President, director, successful guy. What did all of these have in common? They were totally focused on the outward perception. Superficial masks. They all hid the shame and disgrace I felt deep in my heart.
Today, through the grace of God, I've been stripped of all those masks, and the shame they hid. I'm able today to look my wife in the eyes without turning in shame. I'm able to face my family and friends. I will always regret my actions and their consequences on the child pornography victims, my wife, family, and everyone impacted. But I have been freed from the cycle of shame that perpetuated my addiction, and now have a chance to live mask-free. I don't always like what I see, but I know I have the opportunity to grow and help myself and those around me for this I am eternally grateful.
God bless,
David
David writes:
Halloween got me thinking about how much I hid behind masks throughout my life. From my early days I tried to be the smart kid and the funny kid. As a teenager I was the fun-loving druggie. In my 20's I was the recovery guru. In my 30's I was the PR guy. And most recently I was the Senior Vice President, director, successful guy. What did all of these have in common? They were totally focused on the outward perception. Superficial masks. They all hid the shame and disgrace I felt deep in my heart.
Today, through the grace of God, I've been stripped of all those masks, and the shame they hid. I'm able today to look my wife in the eyes without turning in shame. I'm able to face my family and friends. I will always regret my actions and their consequences on the child pornography victims, my wife, family, and everyone impacted. But I have been freed from the cycle of shame that perpetuated my addiction, and now have a chance to live mask-free. I don't always like what I see, but I know I have the opportunity to grow and help myself and those around me for this I am eternally grateful.
God bless,
David
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Words of Wisdom (from David)
David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 1, 2009.
David writes:
"You will never expunge that incident from your resume. What you can do is create alongside it a record of activities and involvements and commitments that show you are a better person for having gone through it." Sociologist Harry Edwards to Oregon Ducks' football player LaGarrette Blount.
You may have heard the story about Blount losing it after a game against Boise State. After being taunted by a Boise State player, Blount hit him and knocked him out in front of cameras. It was a huge "hit" on YouTube (pun intended).
Ducks' coach Chip Kelly suspended Blount for he remainder of the season. Now, as Blount works to show his remorse for and repentance of his act - he's apologized to the player and coach from Boise State; he wrote a public letter of apology to the Oregon student paper; and has been working with at-risk youth groups - Coach Kelly is considering reinstating him to the team. He believes Blounts' efforts are genuine. I think it goes without saying that I can relate to Blount. Obviously my crime is much more serious, but I pray that by demonstrating that I regret my actions, that they have changed me for the better, and that I want to use the opportunity to help others, that God and others will give me a shot at getting back in the game.
God bless,
David
David writes:
"You will never expunge that incident from your resume. What you can do is create alongside it a record of activities and involvements and commitments that show you are a better person for having gone through it." Sociologist Harry Edwards to Oregon Ducks' football player LaGarrette Blount.
You may have heard the story about Blount losing it after a game against Boise State. After being taunted by a Boise State player, Blount hit him and knocked him out in front of cameras. It was a huge "hit" on YouTube (pun intended).
Ducks' coach Chip Kelly suspended Blount for he remainder of the season. Now, as Blount works to show his remorse for and repentance of his act - he's apologized to the player and coach from Boise State; he wrote a public letter of apology to the Oregon student paper; and has been working with at-risk youth groups - Coach Kelly is considering reinstating him to the team. He believes Blounts' efforts are genuine. I think it goes without saying that I can relate to Blount. Obviously my crime is much more serious, but I pray that by demonstrating that I regret my actions, that they have changed me for the better, and that I want to use the opportunity to help others, that God and others will give me a shot at getting back in the game.
God bless,
David
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Collateral Damage (from David)
David sent me this blog post. It is dated October 27, 2009.
David writes:
I've come to understand even more acutely that sadly my addiction and actions have harmed others more than they have harmed me. I look around me and see the damage the hurricane that was my life for so long has wreaked on my wife, my family, my friends, and even some people I never met.
Working my way from the outside in to the center of the storm, I harmed the children who were innocent victims of child pornography. This is something I never want to forget. I remember those sad, empty eyes and regret I contributed to the industry at all. I pray every day that God watch over them and use our work to help make a difference in their lives. I also caused considerable harm to my colleagues and business acquaintances. I made them question their trust in others and lived a lie for years.
My friends were harmed because I didn't let them know me. I had to hide who I was. I chose my addiction over them. It was my loss to be sure. But I wronged them.
As we enter the peak of the storm, we come to my family. My parents don't deserve the pain I put them through. Nor my brothers or in-laws. They put their trust in me, and I chose to live a selfish, self-centered life.
Finally, Hurricane David blew through the life of my wife, Lisa like Hurricane Katrina through New Orleans. I pray to God that I have the chance to rebuild our life together and make it storm-proof. Lisa, I know you forgive me, but I still regret the damage I have done. You are a saint. I love you!!
Now that Hurricane David has lost all his negative energy and we are focused on recovery efforts there is hope and the sun is shining again.
God bless,
David
David writes:
I've come to understand even more acutely that sadly my addiction and actions have harmed others more than they have harmed me. I look around me and see the damage the hurricane that was my life for so long has wreaked on my wife, my family, my friends, and even some people I never met.
Working my way from the outside in to the center of the storm, I harmed the children who were innocent victims of child pornography. This is something I never want to forget. I remember those sad, empty eyes and regret I contributed to the industry at all. I pray every day that God watch over them and use our work to help make a difference in their lives. I also caused considerable harm to my colleagues and business acquaintances. I made them question their trust in others and lived a lie for years.
My friends were harmed because I didn't let them know me. I had to hide who I was. I chose my addiction over them. It was my loss to be sure. But I wronged them.
As we enter the peak of the storm, we come to my family. My parents don't deserve the pain I put them through. Nor my brothers or in-laws. They put their trust in me, and I chose to live a selfish, self-centered life.
Finally, Hurricane David blew through the life of my wife, Lisa like Hurricane Katrina through New Orleans. I pray to God that I have the chance to rebuild our life together and make it storm-proof. Lisa, I know you forgive me, but I still regret the damage I have done. You are a saint. I love you!!
Now that Hurricane David has lost all his negative energy and we are focused on recovery efforts there is hope and the sun is shining again.
God bless,
David
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Reset (from David)
David sent me this blog post. It is dated October 27, 2009.
David writes:
Do you ever wish life had a reset button? While I've learned more from my mistakes than I have my triumphs most of the time, I do wish I could get a do-over or mulligan, for you golfers out there, every now and then.
Mostly I would go back and avoid the mistakes and actions that did so much harm. Reset the regrets, you might say. Instead, I guess I'll just have to work, with God's guidance, to ensure that I avoid those missteps and learn from them. I'll also commit every day to make other's lives better.
God bless,
David
David writes:
Do you ever wish life had a reset button? While I've learned more from my mistakes than I have my triumphs most of the time, I do wish I could get a do-over or mulligan, for you golfers out there, every now and then.
Mostly I would go back and avoid the mistakes and actions that did so much harm. Reset the regrets, you might say. Instead, I guess I'll just have to work, with God's guidance, to ensure that I avoid those missteps and learn from them. I'll also commit every day to make other's lives better.
God bless,
David
Monday, November 9, 2009
Where to go for help (from David)
David sent me this blog post. It is dated October 24, 2009.
David writes:
Every now and then I like to remind people that there are resources out there to help those struggling with sex addiction, family members, and survivors of abuse. It is never too late to reach out and it doesn't have to take federal agents showing up at your door to wake you up. Here are some resources to get you started:
Sex Addicts Anonymous - http://saa-recovery.org/
Co-Dependents Anonymous - http://www.codependents.org/
Covenant Eyes - http://www.covenanteyes.com/?promocode=Shame2Grace
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous - http://www.slaafws.org/
Focus on the Family - http://www.focusonthefamily.com/
Center for Missing and Exploited Children - http://www.missingkids.com/
Stop It Now! - http://www.stopitnow.org/
Please get help before it's too late.
God bless,
David
David writes:
Every now and then I like to remind people that there are resources out there to help those struggling with sex addiction, family members, and survivors of abuse. It is never too late to reach out and it doesn't have to take federal agents showing up at your door to wake you up. Here are some resources to get you started:
Sex Addicts Anonymous - http://saa-recovery.org/
Co-Dependents Anonymous - http://www.codependents.org/
Covenant Eyes - http://www.covenanteyes.com/?promocode=Shame2Grace
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous - http://www.slaafws.org/
Focus on the Family - http://www.focusonthefamily.com/
Center for Missing and Exploited Children - http://www.missingkids.com/
Stop It Now! - http://www.stopitnow.org/
Please get help before it's too late.
God bless,
David
Saturday, November 7, 2009
The 1,200-second Relationship (from David)
David sent me this blog post. It is dated October 23, 2009.
David writes:
Lisa and I talk to each other for about 20 minutes every day. We do two 10-minute calls as the phones here only give you 10 minutes per call. Each call costs about $6.00. Not that cost is important, but I thought I would throw it out there for context.
The first 10-15 minutes we spend updating each other on the last 24 hours or so. The last 5-10 minutes we try to talk about more substantive topics. So we are trying to maintain, and continue to improve our relationship in 10-minute increments. Needless to say this is a challenge.
Both of us are hesitant to burden the other with any negative feelings. I know I don't want to give Lisa any more to worry about. And she says she doesn't want me to have to deal with anything negative on my own in jail.
During our 20-minute in-person visit today we talked about being open and honest about our fears, resentments and other feelings. No more masks. This is how we lived before - hiding our feelings so we wouldn't have to face them or each other. That's part of what kept us sick. We agreed that for the benefit of our relationship and sanity, we will be open and honest. We're going to treat those 20 minutes as precious. As an opportunity to strengthen our marriage - 1,200 seconds at a time.
God bless,
David
David writes:
Lisa and I talk to each other for about 20 minutes every day. We do two 10-minute calls as the phones here only give you 10 minutes per call. Each call costs about $6.00. Not that cost is important, but I thought I would throw it out there for context.
The first 10-15 minutes we spend updating each other on the last 24 hours or so. The last 5-10 minutes we try to talk about more substantive topics. So we are trying to maintain, and continue to improve our relationship in 10-minute increments. Needless to say this is a challenge.
Both of us are hesitant to burden the other with any negative feelings. I know I don't want to give Lisa any more to worry about. And she says she doesn't want me to have to deal with anything negative on my own in jail.
During our 20-minute in-person visit today we talked about being open and honest about our fears, resentments and other feelings. No more masks. This is how we lived before - hiding our feelings so we wouldn't have to face them or each other. That's part of what kept us sick. We agreed that for the benefit of our relationship and sanity, we will be open and honest. We're going to treat those 20 minutes as precious. As an opportunity to strengthen our marriage - 1,200 seconds at a time.
God bless,
David
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Bridging the Gap (from David)
David sent me this blog post. It is dated October 22, 2009.
David writes:
During our 1 hour break each day we can go around to the other cells and talk to the guys through the door. It is a solid steel door with a window about three feet long and about 8 inches wide. You can't really hear through it that well, sound doesn't easily travel through steel and concrete. We can see each other, but can't really connect. It is very unsatisfying. This is much like what my relationships were like before recovery. Whether it was with Lisa, a co-worker or friend, I always felt like there was something between us, keeping us from connecting. I could see them, but I didn't really hear them clearly or get close to them emotionally, spiritually, or even physically. There was too much shame, resentment, and guilt.
In recovery, as I've been able to replace the shame with honesty, love, and acceptance, I'm able to get past the barriers and connect with people. The door has been opened and I'm walking through. Nice to meet you!!
God bless,
David
David writes:
During our 1 hour break each day we can go around to the other cells and talk to the guys through the door. It is a solid steel door with a window about three feet long and about 8 inches wide. You can't really hear through it that well, sound doesn't easily travel through steel and concrete. We can see each other, but can't really connect. It is very unsatisfying. This is much like what my relationships were like before recovery. Whether it was with Lisa, a co-worker or friend, I always felt like there was something between us, keeping us from connecting. I could see them, but I didn't really hear them clearly or get close to them emotionally, spiritually, or even physically. There was too much shame, resentment, and guilt.
In recovery, as I've been able to replace the shame with honesty, love, and acceptance, I'm able to get past the barriers and connect with people. The door has been opened and I'm walking through. Nice to meet you!!
God bless,
David
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Sin is In? (from David)
David sent me this blog post. It is dated October 22, 2009.
David writes:
At the risk of being labeled an old fogey, a prude, or a stick in the mud, I'm going to bash the queen of Pop-Tarts - Britney Spears - and her latest song "3". I've fought writing about it, but it just kills me to know that this stuff is out there. If you haven't heard it yet, the song is Britney's ode to sexual threesomes. She literally sings the praises of having casual sex with two other people and exclaims that "sin is in".
Ok, I know, it's just entertainment. Pop fluff from an unstable celebrity just looking to sell records. And I would have likely thought it was cool a year ago. Now that my eyes have been opened to the impact of these kinds of cultural statements, I go back to my argument for personal responsibility. Britney can make whatever song she wants, record companies can produce them, and radio can play them. I challenge men, women, parents, and even kids to make a personal choice to turn it off. Encourage others to be accountable as well. As with porn (including child porn), we may not be able to stop it at the source, but we can make a difference one person at a time to kill demand. If sin is in, you can count me out.
God bless,
David
David writes:
At the risk of being labeled an old fogey, a prude, or a stick in the mud, I'm going to bash the queen of Pop-Tarts - Britney Spears - and her latest song "3". I've fought writing about it, but it just kills me to know that this stuff is out there. If you haven't heard it yet, the song is Britney's ode to sexual threesomes. She literally sings the praises of having casual sex with two other people and exclaims that "sin is in".
Ok, I know, it's just entertainment. Pop fluff from an unstable celebrity just looking to sell records. And I would have likely thought it was cool a year ago. Now that my eyes have been opened to the impact of these kinds of cultural statements, I go back to my argument for personal responsibility. Britney can make whatever song she wants, record companies can produce them, and radio can play them. I challenge men, women, parents, and even kids to make a personal choice to turn it off. Encourage others to be accountable as well. As with porn (including child porn), we may not be able to stop it at the source, but we can make a difference one person at a time to kill demand. If sin is in, you can count me out.
God bless,
David
Monday, November 2, 2009
God knows (from David)
David sent me this blog post. It is dated October 19, 2009.
David writes:
The longer I'm a Christian and in recovery, the more I realize how little I really control. And also how little I want to control. Funny how that works out. Even more strangely, everything seems to work out just fine without my direction. And if I'm honest, it is going much better than it ever did when I was "managing" things. Go figure.
For example, our marriage was a mess. I am pretty sure Lisa would agree with me. The more I tried to manipulate, cajole, and control, the worse it got. Now that we've turned our marriage over to God, it is actually heading in a healthy direction.
I also spent a lot of time trying to get respect by being in the right places, working for the right companies, and knowing the right people. Now that I've let go of my pride and turned it over to God, I have so much support and love from so many people. It's amazing.
Now I still do my part. I'm not a passive onlooker of my life. I do all I can to hold up my end of the deal, but I don't have to carry the full weight. And God knows I'm grateful for that!!
God bless,
David
David writes:
The longer I'm a Christian and in recovery, the more I realize how little I really control. And also how little I want to control. Funny how that works out. Even more strangely, everything seems to work out just fine without my direction. And if I'm honest, it is going much better than it ever did when I was "managing" things. Go figure.
For example, our marriage was a mess. I am pretty sure Lisa would agree with me. The more I tried to manipulate, cajole, and control, the worse it got. Now that we've turned our marriage over to God, it is actually heading in a healthy direction.
I also spent a lot of time trying to get respect by being in the right places, working for the right companies, and knowing the right people. Now that I've let go of my pride and turned it over to God, I have so much support and love from so many people. It's amazing.
Now I still do my part. I'm not a passive onlooker of my life. I do all I can to hold up my end of the deal, but I don't have to carry the full weight. And God knows I'm grateful for that!!
God bless,
David
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