addiction vs.addiction

I was watching this show on TV about interventions. I began thinking about alcohol addiction versus pornography addiction. In alcohol addiction, the addiction cannot be hidden. You can smell it. You can physically tell when someone has had too much to drink as they are staggering and their speech is slurred. It's harder to hide. There is a greater chance of being "discovered". While pornography addiction is not so noticeable. A porn addict can be on the computer and easily hide their behavior. While both addictions leave the addict full of guilt and shame, there is more of a chance the alcohol addict will be confronted with their problem. People are more likely to find out about the alcohol addiction, and therefore intervene. Where as the porn addiction is not as likely to be discovered and therefore less likely for an "intervention". Both addicts want help.

It seems as though there is more of a chance for alcohol addicts to recover with help from their surrounding friends and family. The porn addicts family and friends most of the time have no idea there is a problem in the first place. With this being said, if a porn addict is not strong enough to get help on their own, and now one knows about their addiction, what chance does the porn addict have for recovery? I had suspected something was wrong in my marriage, but did not know what. Addicts are very good at hiding their addiction. Had my husband had an alcohol addiction, I would have been more likely to recognize it and encourage him to get help. Whereas with his porn addiction, I had no idea. I would ask what he was doing on the computer, and he would always have an answer such as, "I'm paying bills.", "I'm playing games", or "I'm working". I could not dispute that he was doing or not doing these things. As I would approach, he would quickly close the screen or log-off. I could not have imagined that he was looking at porn most of this time. If your spouse is lost in their computer, that may be a sign of a much bigger problem.

Let's shed some light on the subject

I wrote about this topic once before, but I continue to be amazed by the quantity of stories I see each day on people being convicted of possessing child pornography (set up a Google alert on "child pornography" and you'll see what I mean). But what amazes me even more is the lack of discussions about the damage all pornography does, including child pornography. I completely understand and agree that there must be strong consequences for breaking the law, especially when it involves children. But I wonder why there isn't more being done to educate people and provide resources for help? Is it that these people, including me, are considered beyond help, or are not worthy of it? Are we so afraid to face the problem that we just ignore it until someone is caught, then read about it in the paper, and move on until the next one is caught? 

I believe we have to use all the resources at our disposal - information, punishment, treatment, recovery - to help those that want to find a way out of viewing pornography and specifically child pornography. Why not start now? Let's shine light on this issue and help reduce the victimization of children by cutting the demand for child pornography. It isn't the only way, but it is one way we can make a difference.

God bless,

David

What a Life Saver

Lisa and I came down to the beach to do the radio show with Mike Adams here in Wilmington and then to take some time together to enjoy the beach. While tropical storm Danny was churning up the water and causing huge waves, rough surf and serious rip tides, the weather was really nice. Sunny, mid-80s and just a slight breeze. I even bought a Boogie Board to ride the waves some.

Despite warnings from the lifeguards to stay close to shore to avoid rip currents, many people were out swimming beyound waist-deep. Lisa and I stayed in close, swimming and riding the waves. We took a break and walked down the beach when we heard someone yelling out in the ocean. At first it sounded like anyone else just having fun, then you could begin to hear desparation in his pleas for help as the rip current dragged him out further and futher from the shore. There was panic in his voice as he stabbed his hand in the air for help. He sounded so helpless and vulnerable. The posted lifeguard, a young woman, maybe in her early 20's grabbed her orange life bouy and ran into the water. She swam aggressively out to the man while he continued to scream for help. She reached him, gave him the bouy and had him hold on tight while she brought him in, more help arrived. A lifeguard on a wave runner circled, another swam to help the female guard, three more showed up on shore. It was impressive.

When the man was finally on shore it was amazing to see that this man was probably 6'3, 240 and built like a wide receiver, while the girl who saved him was maybe 5'6, 120 pounds. As he came out of the water he looked so relieved, like a man whose life had been saved. He was gasping for air, crying and holding onto those around him tightly.

I think you see where I'm going with this. As I heard that man screaming and watching the effort made by everyone to save him, I thought of our struggles, how I was drowning in my addiction and that my cry for help was almost too late. But when help came, I grabbed on like that young man did to that life-saving bouy and let someone else take control and help guide me to safety. Once I gave up and screamed for help, and became powerless over the rip current of my addiction, I was on my way back to the shore and into the arms of my wife, family and friends and most importantly, God.

Lisa and I went up to the young lifeguard after she had settled back into her perch on her tower and thanked her for her efforts and told her that she had saved a life that day. Of course she was modest and mentioned all the things she wish she had done differently, but we let her know that without her, that man would likely have drowned. I can relate.

God bless,
David

Public Service Announcement - Video production services needed

I've been thinking about doing a public service announcement since I started this initiative. In doing some research, the only PSAs of any real substance around child pornography I could find were, believe it or not, from the adult porn industry. I did find a few others, but none that seemed to carry the message that child pornography does have victims and just viewing it can land you in prison for up to 20 years. I wrote one real quickly and did a VERY ROUGH version on my web cam - see below . If I had the ability to create one with some production value I think we could make something compelling. I see pictures of kids representing the 20,000 images posted each day flying in and out and me ending up in a cell at the end, or something like that. If anyone is willing to volunteer to help produce something like this let me know. We would need a good camera, lighting, some direction, and some post-production skills around motion graphics. Email me - david@fromshame2grace.com if you're willing and able to help. I may be able to offset some of the production costs.

God bless,
David

Shame to Grace

I don't think I've really talked about the name of this blog. I "borrowed" it from a 12-step program. I hope they don't mind. But it really speaks to what we try to do in recovery. I've spent most of my life in shame. I don't say that as a victim, but just as a matter of fact. The only way to get beyond that shame is to fill that hole with something greater than ourselves. For me that includes Christ, 12-steps, family and treatment.  I have seen so much grace in our lives since beginning this journey. I've seen it in the acceptance of our family and friends who are standing beside us, the forgiveness I've received from Lisa, the opportunities we've been given to help others and especially in those who have helped us find a place in the church. So much more grace than I deserve.

While I still feel the shame fairly often, especially when I look into Lisa's eyes and see the pain I've caused and when I think about the child victims who are still suffering today, I pray that the we can share some of the grace we've received through this initiative.

God bless,
David

The Frank Turek Show - Saturday at 11 a.m.

Just a reminder that Dr. Mike Adams and I are appearing on The Frank Turek show this Saturday, August 29 at 11:00 a.m. ET on American Family Radio . Frank is the co-author of the book I Don't Have Enough Faith to be an Atheist and he focuses on reducing the "drop-out" rate of young Christians who leave the church when they enter college. You can find out where to listen at http://www.afr.net/.

God bless,
David

More survey results - viewing child pornography

As promised, I wanted to cover more of the results from our survey on behaviors around pornography  (click here to take it). We asked the question, Have you ever intentionally or unintentionally viewed pornography depicting children? I was somewhat surprised by the response. More than 20 percent of respondents admitted to viewing child pornography. If you extrapolate that out to the population that's millions of people viewing images of children. There has to be a desensitizing effect, I know there was for me. As I looked at more and more pornography, I became habituated. In other words it seemed to take more and harder types of pornography for me to achieve the same level of pleasure. I've heard this often from other sex addicts as well. That they looked at pornography they thought they would have never looked at, children, animals, pain, violence, etc.

I was thinking the other day about how we could somehow humanize or visually depict the true damage and proliferation of child pornography. One statistic I've seen is that 20,000 child pornography images are uploaded to the Internet each day. For just one month, those photos stacked one on top of the other would be as tall as a 20-story building. But I don't think that does it justice, because it doesn't include the human factor. Then I was thinking what if we did a Web site like this one http://www.milliondollarhomepage.com/, but instead of each pixel representing an ad, we have a site that is made up of 250,000 pixels/photos to represent each child who will be a victim of child sexual abuse this year. What do you think? Any other ideas? Email me with them - david@fromshametograce.com

God bless,
David

Good Grief

Recovery from any addiction is a journey, not a destination. Sometimes that journey takes you down flat roads with scenic views and no traffic. Other times you're traversing hairpin turns, blinde curves and sheer cliff walls. At this time in my recovery I'm on the latter road. This is definitely uncharted territory for me.

I've mentioned before about my inexperience with feelings and expressing them in a healthy way. I've stuffed them under decades of drugs, alcohol, pornography, food and fantasy. With all that we are experiencing right now it is like an avalanche of feelings. Lisa and I are sad, scared, angry, resentful, grateful, joyful, hopeless and hopeful all at the same time. We've basically agreed to cry at least once each day to help release these feelings in a healthy way, rather than take it out on each other. We're using WORDS as well to talk about our feelings. Actually saying, "I'm sad that I'm going to lose you," or "I'm angry at what you did."

Too bad they don't make a GPS that can help you navigate recovery. But then again, there are a lot of map "programs" out there, 12-steps, therapy, Christ, etc., that are proven to get you where you need to go.

God bless,
David

Sadness...

This week we found out that David's court date is September 14 to accept his plea before the judge. The judge that we have been assigned is in Greenville, NC. At this court date, the judge will determine if David will get a pre-trial release (meaning he will be released on bond until his sentencing). If he does not get a pre-trial release, he will be arrested on the spot, and put in jail until his sentencing. I am very sad.

When I got married, I took oath for better or for worse. I could not imagine "the worse", but here it is. I am trying to imagine my life without my husband, and I cannot. I know I will be ok, but it's sad to think of life without him. We all have our issues, and have things about ourselves that we would like to change. My husband is such a great guy. He is a kind guy, thoughtful and gentle. Yes, he has done a bad thing. He has accepted full responsibility for what he has done. He is making changes in his life to beat this addiction that has changed our lives forever. For as awful of a nightmare as the last 8 months have been, I could not have asked for a better husband. He is there for me in ways I had always wanted him to be. We are connecting, sharing, talking, loving.

David is worried about me, an I am worried about him. We are trying to be strong, but we cannot be all of the time. These last few days have been very difficult. The reality is setting in that David is going to prison. We don't know for how long, but he is going. I don't like thinking about it as we try to enjoy the little bit of time we have left. At the same time, it's hard to be happy and enjoy each other without the sadness setting in. I know god has a plan, but I question it sometimes. I wonder where we are headed and why. We are still working on out initiative, and want so much to help others in this same situation. I want to offer support and help as we could not have gotten through these last eight months without the support of our family and friends. We have met some of the best and most compassionate people in our support groups. They are trully some of the best people we have met in a long time. I hope this blog and our initiative helps anyone in this situation.

Survey Says...

I've been conducting a survey of visitors to this site trying to get some primary research around behaviors related to pornography use. If you would like to contribute to the survey, CLICK HERE.  The findings thus far are interesting and somewhat depressing. The average age of the respondents was around 34 and 70 percent were men. Seventy-five percent of respondents were exposed to pornography before they were 14. Almost 40 percent were exposed before age 11. An interesting correlation here is that those exposed before 11 were much more likely to identify themselves as addicted to pornography as an adult. I think that is a HUGE warning cry for today's youth, whose average age of exposure is somewhere around 9 because of the Internet. If my informal survey is any indication, we could be facing a massive epidemic of pornography addiction as this generation matures.

I'll share one more stat in this post and then follow up with later posts detailing the remainder of the survey results. This is one of the most important stats next to age of exposure. Kids don't go seeking out pornography at age nine. I sure wasn't when I stumbled upon my father's pornography collection at that age. Of those responding to the survey, more than half were first exposed to pornography at home via their father's collection or from a friend's fathers collection. I'm sure if this survey were done with kids today we would see the Internet as a huge source, but we're still talking about seeing it at HOME. I don't have kids so I hesitate to comment on raising them, but parents today must take personal responsibility for protecting their kids from pornography. From everything I've learned, early exposure is one of the first building blocks of an addiction. I think we have to change the mindset that viewing porn is just a "rite of passage" for kids. It is a rite of passage for sex addicts.

Not every kid who views pornography at an early age will end up like me (going to prison for possessing child pornography), but I bet that almost every person who ends up like me was exposed to pornography early.
Take steps to protect your family, ask questions about what they are doing online, use accountability software like Covenant Eyes to monitor their behavior, talk to them about the damage pornography can do and how they have a personal responsibility to walk away.

Resources for Internet safety
Safety Tips from Center for Missing and Exploited Kids
Safety Tips from NetSmartz.com
Cyber Tipline to report suspected Internet crimes
Covenant Eyes - 30 day free trial

God bless,
David

Another Radio Opportunity

God has worked through Dr. Mike Adams again and has given us an opportunity to appear on The Frank Turek show this Saturday, August 29 at 11:00 a.m. ET on American Family Radio . Frank is the co-author of the book I Don't Have Enough Faith to be an Atheist and he focuses on reducing the "drop-out" rate of young Christians who leave the church when they enter college. According to Frank's site crossexamined.org/, three out of four Christian teens walk away from the church after leaving home. I'm guessing some of the reason this happens is when kids leave home they drop their boundaries, including sexual ones, and seek out pleasure in unhealthy ways. Pornography, objectification, sexual acting out and similar behaviors may not only lead to a separation from the church, but may also lead to addiction, especially for those looking to fill the emptiness and isolation many experience in college, especially in the absence of a relationship with Christ. Here is a list of affiliate stations for the show - Station List.

I'm so grateful for these opportunities we're being given to help others.
God bless,
David

One more reason to hate Dr. Mike Adams

As I noted in a previous post, professor Mike Adams teaches criminology, different than criminality, at my alma mater UNC-Wilmington. He is a lone-wolf Conservative in a liberal wilderness of academia. He is not a shy man, to say the least. Dr. Adams and I have reconnected and he is working hard in support of our initiative around raising awareness of the damage child pornography and mainstream ponography can have on individuals, family and society. We're also working to encourage men to be responsible and accountable to their wives, families and each other in rejecting pornography as a harmful influence on their lives.

Dr. Adams just posted a new column (Click to read "Sunday's Breast") pointing out the diminishing dress codes at churches. Leave it to Mike to step on some high-heeled toes, but it is definitely a good point. While as men we definitely have the obligation to reject lust and objectification of women, I do agree that women have a similar responsibility to support their men through their choices in fashion and behavior, especially in church. As Job writes in 31:1 - "I have made a covenant with my eyes." I work on this every day, but can certainly use all the help I can get to be a better man, husband and Christian.

God beless,
David

A Rookie mistake

I consider myself a fairly intelligent guy. So why is it that I can't get it through my head that I need to spend more time listening and less time talking? This is especially true with my wife. I tend to be a fixer, a director, a manager. I see a problem and I immediately go about solving it. While this can come in handy when working with a client, it isn't so useful with my wife. Rather than fixing, I need to be listening. That doesn't sound that hard, does it? But throwing a football doesn't seem that hard either, but to do it as well as two-time Super Bowl-winning Steeler QB Ben Rothlisberger you have to practice for years, and practice some more. In the scheme of my listening skills, I'm just playing Pop Warner football, and I'm a rookie on the team, at that. I just hate Lisa has to pay the price for my lack of skill.

I was telling my sponsor about how Lisa just doesn't seem to understand how I feel. That it hurts my feelings when she gets angry and takes it out on me. Like a good sponsor, he basically told me to get off the cross, we need the wood. My self-centeredness was kicking in. It isn't about me. It is about being a good husband, listening to Lisa, being there for her. I must put my pride away. I pray every day that God will give me the strength to avoid selfish thinking and actions. I welcome your prayers as well. I can use all the help I can get. Maybe one day I can be the Ben Rothlisberger of husbands.

In any addiction, once you are sober, that's when the real work starts.

God bless,
David

I'm Silvio and I'm a sex addict

We talk about sex addiction not having any bias to financial status, race, religion, etc. Here is a good case study for that. Apparently Italian billionaire and Premiere Silvio Berlusconi is being encouraged to seek sex addiction treatment Click here for article. There have even been rumors that he was involved with underage girls. This seems to be somewhat supported by the fact that he was "seeing" a 17-year-old girl. He has also been linked to prostitutes and other illicit affairs.

If true, this is a perfect example of the power of addiction. You have a married BILLIONAIRE and the PREMIERE of Italy willing to risk it all for sexual acting out. Talk about insanity. Sounds a little like a former President here in the U.S. as well.

Berlusconi may seek treatment for his addiction. I hope that he is able to find some peace and a way out. Something positive to fill the hole that billions, power and sexual acting out obviously couldn't fill.

God bless,
David

It's all about me?

One of the primary symptoms of addiction is extreme self-centeredness. My acting out was all about pleasing me, running from my problems (most of which I created), ignoring the needs of my wife, not thinking about how my actions were hurting others. The only thing greater than me was my addiction.

Recovery is all about letting go of self, turning to a higher power and others to fill that hole inside us. The first step is admitting we were powerless over our sexual addiction and that our life was unmanageable. You wouldn't think that would be too difficult for someone like me who was looking at pornography up to 12 hours each day, looking at child pornography, potentially losing my marriage, not performing at work, telling lies daily, not having any truly close friends, ignoring the fact that there are victims of child pornography, and facing significant federal prison time. But we define insanity as doing the same things and expecting different results. I more than met that definition.

Since starting recovery and treatment I have gotten a glimpse of what a God-centered life is like. I'm more likely to think about the impact my actions have on others. I care how others are feeling and want to do what I can to lift them up, not tear them down like I use to.

What freedom to be unshackled from self.

God bless,
David

Does anyone have a rock I could borrow?

If only we had a crystal ball to see what our life would be like tomorrow, next week, next year or 20 years from now. I regret so much the decisions I made last year, five years ago, 10 years ago, 20 years ago, etc. They have impacted so many people. It is as if I threw a rock in the sea of my life 30 years ago and it has been sending out ripples ever since. If only I could get that rock back.
My parents, my brothers, my first wife, Lisa, my in-laws, the child pornography victims, my friends, my employers and so many others were impacted by my self-centered decisions. My hope is now that through this initiative and most importantly, the grace of God, and the support of my family and friends, I am able to stop those ripples and start some new, positive ones rolling out. Now let me go get that rock!

David

What's the Object?

Cans. Ta Tas. Fun Bags. Pillows. Hooters. Headlights. Coconuts. Howitzers. I don't think you have to ask what I'm talking about. In doing a little "research" I found various sites that had lists of anywhere from 100-250 names for breasts. The number for names for other body parts is likely as long. Even abs are called six-packs or washboards. Legs are stems, the butt is apple bottom or money maker. And I won't even go into names for genitalia.

My point is, we have objectified humans, especially women, to a point where we have made a person a sum of their physical "parts," rather than an individual with unique and varied attributes. Even when we see an attractive person, we say "look at THAT" not even look at "her." But what's the big deal? It's just skin, protuberances, God made us this way (or doctors in some cases).

By focusing on any one PART of a person we are devaluing the entire person and we are turning them into an inanimate object. In recovery, objectification of people is considered a bottom line behavior for some. It is especially pervasive in pornography. So much is focused on a specific attribute of the body (large breasts, small breasts, petite women, large women, blonds/brunettes/redheads, specific types of butts, young/old, fetishes around fingernails, clothing, eyes, feet, you name it someone is fixated on it. This was true for me. Viewing my definition of a "perfect woman" in pornography caused me to measure every woman against that standard. Reality had no chance to beat my fantasy, so I chose to stay in my fantasy world and objectify all women by that standard.

I don't mean to preach, but it all goes back to personal responsibility. Do we work to humanize women or do we work to objectify them? If our goal is to lift each other up, we should make every effort to see the whole person, not just the parts.

God bless,
David

(Legal) Brief update - child pornography charge

We heard this week that we have a tentative court date of September 8 in Greenville for the submission of the plea and determining whether I will get pre-trial release (bond). A little scary in that if I don't get bond I will go directly to jail to await sentencing. Lisa and I are preparing ourselves for the worst and hoping for the best. Either way, I'm committed to continuing our outreach efforts to the best of my ability. The response we have received so far has been overwhelmingly positive and so many people have encouraged us to keep shining light on issues around pornography, child pornography and personal responsibility.

I am going to try to figure out a way to allow visitors to FS2G.com to anonymously submit their own stories of struggle with personal responsibility and pornography and other sexual challenges. I hope we get a positive response.

God bless,
David

Epidemic - pornography addiction, child pornography

I've been tracking news coverage of child pornography prosecution and the word that comes to mind is "epidemic." I have a Google alert set up and I get probably two dozen hits each day. This one from Wisconsin is typical of the cases - http://www.hastingsstargazette.com/event/article/id/20601/
This man was a law enforcement officer and was convicted on two counts and sentenced to five years in prison.

Please pray for all of the people struggling with pornography addiction, the child victims of child pornography and the families of both. This just makes me more committed to trying to reach out and help others before they end up like this former officer and me. There is hope, there is help, there is a way out.

God bless,
David

Go to any lengths

I was thinking about my first few months of recovery and thought it might be worthwhile to post about that time and what steps I took to increase the chances I would stay sober and work on the roots of my problems.

After the shock of the first few days wore off, Lisa and I were referred to Dr. Donna Peaslee. Donna immediately helped us find some hope and encouraged us to give the program and recovery a chance. Not to give up. She also told me I needed to stop looking at all pornography immediately as I had looked at adult pornography even after being investigated for receipt of child pornography. That's the insanity of addiction.

We then began filling our life with positive influences, recovery-related activities and people who had been where we were and survived. Each week I went to three to five 12-step meetings, attended individual and group therapy, met with my pastor and attended weekly bible study. I made, and still make, daily phone calls to group and 12-step members and read recoverymaterial regularly. The way I look at it is I spent anywhere from four to 18 hours each day on my addiction, I should try to put that same energy into my recovery. My experience is that I get out of it what I put into it. Garbage in, garbage out.

God bless,
David

Tweeting FS2G

We're going to try to do some tweeting. If you would like to follow us here's the link - www.twitter.com/fromshame2grace

Not sure how it is going to work out, but we'll give it a shot.

God bless,
David

Helping the professionals - understanding pornography addiction

Wow, what a day Lisa and I had today. We started with a couple of hours with our therapist and dug deep on some communications issues. "Apparently" I have some problems expressing my feelings. That's kind of like saying a blind man has problems seeing. One of the reasons I believe I've struggled with addictions for so long in my life is that I've run like Usain Bolt from my feelings. I'm learning to share my feelings, be honest and vulnerable. That is like learning a foreign language to me. I'm grateful that Lisa is so patient and is giving me time to learn these new skills.

This evening Lisa and I met with four health care professionals and one assistant district attorney to produce a a video to be used to help train psychiatric residents on diagnosing and treating sexual addiction. First we walked through a fairly detailed account of my sexual history, then moved into my experience with child pornography, how I came to view it for the first time as an adult (received it unsolicited on AOL), my reaction (repulsed) and how I ended up where I am today, heading to prison for receipt of child pornography. Lisa and I did this as part of our outreach initiative to help professionals better understand pornography addiction, how it can escalate to child pornography and what might be done to prevent it. We're grateful to have these opportunities and pray that they will help improve the understanding and treatment of addiction and most importantly raise awareness of the damage pornography and child pornography have on victims, families and society.

If you are interested in having me and/or Lisa speak with a group or an individual just let us know. We'll do so at our expense. You can contact me at david@fromshame2grace.com or Lisa at lisa@fromshame2grace.com.

God bless,

David

Curtis Wright show in Wilmington

Lisa and I were on the Curtis Wright show this morning with Dr. Mike Adams from UNCW. Curtis was so gracious and gave us 90 minutes to tell our story and offer up resources for those seeking help. This was the first time Lisa has ever done an interview and she acted like an old pro. Maybe some of the PR guy has worn off on her over 10 years:) She was incredible. Dr. Adams and Curtis gave us a lot of leeway in what we talked about. Even with 90 minutes, it seems like there is so much more we wanted to say. I hope we were able to connect with some folks who are seeking a way out, or those family members who aren't quite sure what is wrong with their spouse, son, daughter, etc. We're working on getting the interview to post on FS2G.com. We'll keep you posted.

Lisa and I are so grateful for these opportunities. We hope that we continue to get the chance to connect with people, share our story and help others find a way out.

God bless,

David

"The New David"

As David mentioned in one of his blogs, we are in Wilmington /Wrightsville Beach, NC. We have been having a really nice time. For the first time, we enjoyed swimming in the ocean together. I actually had fun with my husband. Before December 16, 2008, David would have been doing his own thing and I would probably be swimming by myself. In his recovery, I am shocked by some things, and they are things that are hard to get used to. For instance, David asked me if I had brought the swimming goggles to the beach. I told him no, and asked why he was asking in that he had never swam with goggles before. His response was, "The new David does". A few weeks ago David was in the kitchen emptying the dishwasher. I asked what he was doing, and he told me. I said, "Since when do you empty the dishwasher?" He said, "The new David does." I can't imagine how our life would have been different if I had met "The new David" years ago.

For as much as we are enjoying our time together, we still have the case and the impending charges looming over us. It's like having a gun pointed at your head. You know that the trigger is going to be pulled, but you don't know when. You can try to enjoy your life day by day, but the gun is still there. This is what our life is like.

This blog is part of our public service initiative. David has been on a talk show a few weeks ago, and is doing another in the morning. I am so proud of him. I am open to talking about my life and how it has changed. If any of you are in the same situation, please email us. We know what it is like to be scared and ashamed. To know that there is a problem in your marriage, but not be able to put your finger on it. To love your spouse, but not really connect with them. WE KNOW HOW IT IS. We are there. We have been there. Every day is a fight for us. From working on our marriage, to fighting a terrible addiction together. I love my husband, and we will get through this. In the meantime, if we can help anyone along the way - this is our goal.

Recovery from sexual addiction - a new path forward

Lisa and I are down at Wrightsville Beach this weekend. We came down early to spend some time together before I do the radio show Monday morning with Dr. Mike Adams and host Curtis Wright. SHAMELESS PLUG WARNING - You can hear it in Wilmington and surrounding areas on 93.7 and 106.3 at 8:00 a.m or listen live online at http://www.thebigtalkerfm.com/ (looks like you'll need to register). Please pray that we're able to help someone with our outreach. END OF SHAMELESS PLUG.

As Lisa and I have written about, working toward recovery has some real benefits. We got to the beach yesterday, ate lunch on the Intra-coastal Waterway, checked in and went to the beach. Where before I would have been conspiring to find 30 minutes or an hour to be alone to act out, I actually went to the beach with her, swam and then sat on the beach for a while. For those of you with healthy relationships, that sounds like what you're supposed to do at the beach. For those of you with an addiction or with an addict, you know what I'm talking about.

We've been blessed with quite a few moments like this over the last few months. We're so grateful. Sadly, most of these moments are tinged with the fact that we know at some point I'll be in prison for a number of years and won't be able to have these experiences again for a while. That's when I get angry at myself for making decisions that resulted in these consequences for me and my family, and that perpetuated the victimization of the child victims in the images I viewed.

God bless,
David

Pornography and Personal Responsibility

As I've mentioned, I'm not undertaking this initiative to take on the porn industry. As much as I think we could live without it, it is legal and people have the "right" to view it. I'll let someone else fight that battle. Where I'm choosing to make my stand is around personal responsibility and accountability. Whether someone is addicted to pornography or not, viewing it is a choice. And like every choice, it has consequences. I can't count the times I've heard the argument that everyone does it, so it can't be THAT bad.

As Dr. Mike Adams talks about in his article Real Men Don't Do Porn, pornography has a decaying effect on one's soul, relationships and view of people, especially women. In the survey of readers of this blog, more than half reported that pornography had caused problems in the marriage and/or relationships with family and friends. For having such a benign reputation, porn does seem to cause discontent more often than not.

From viewing women as nothing but objects to seeking only self-pleasure in sex, pornography turns what should be an act of intimacy into an act of self-centeredness and objectification. Instead of asking what harm does pornography do, maybe we should ask what good comes from it. Each of the "actors" in pornography is some one's daughter, sister, mother, brother, son or father. If that were your family member, would you react the same way?

Each individual has a choice to make. It isn't an easy decision most of the time. You can see sexually stimulating material and even pornography just about anywhere online. To help, let's work to be accountable to each other. As I mentioned before, one way I do this is with accountability software. I've set up a relationship with Covenant Eyes software so that anyone who subscribes to the service through this site (or using promo code shame2grace at www.covenanteyes.com) will receive a free month of service. Give it a try. It feels good to be accountable.

Our life...

People ask us how our life has changed as a couple since December 16, 2008. Not only has it changed in that I now know that my husband has a pornography addiction and may be going to prison, but it has changed in other ways, surprisingly for the better.

David and I met in July of 1999 while he was separated from his first wife (which I now know the divorce was partially because of his addiction). I liked David as soon as I met him. We connected, and I really enjoyed his company. He was the first person who I really had a lot in common with, and really looked forward to being with. We dated for almost 4 years. Got engaged, and were married less than a year after that. We have been married for almost 6 years. During our marriage we had plenty of happy times, but there was always tension. My family noticed it in that we bickered. We loved each other, but I didn't "feel" the love. I mentioned counseling several times, but David wouldn't go. Now I know that if we had gone, it would not have worked as I didn't know the real cause of the tension- David's addiction. He has always (and still is) been interested in technology. So when he spent hours on the computer it didn't dawn on me that he was acting out in his addiction. When I would ask him what he was doing, he would tell me he was paying the bills, looking at real estate, playing games, etc... I trusted my husband. Why would I think he was viewing pornography? I had caught him viewing pornography every now and then, but as most people say, "Everyone looks at porn. What's the big deal?" Now I know that it's not the viewing of the porn that is the problem, it's when it negatively impacts their life and their family's life. It's when it becomes compulsion that it's the problem. He would spend up to 8 hours a day viewing pornography. It took over his life. Over the course of our married years, we began to grow apart. David would spend more and more time on the computer, so I would look for my own activities. I would go to bed at night, and his night would begin after I went to sleep. We were headed in separate directions.

David has been sober now from viewing any kind of pornography for 8 months. We spend much more quality time together, and are working on our relationship. We attend weekly group and individual therapy sessions, attend church weekly, and we see our minister regularly. David has accepted Christ, has been baptized, attends weekly bible study, and attends a 12-step program. We have been reading "The Love Dare " book, which I would recommend for any married couple. Our relationship is not perfect, but it is heading in a positive direction.

Sex Addiction Outreach

Real quick, Lisa and I are available to speak to groups who may have an interest in our experiences around sex addiction, my legal situation, being a spouse of a sex addict, our testimony and related subjects. We hope that by sharing we can help others avoid the consequences I brought on our family and provide hope and access to resources for recovery. You can contact us at david@fromshame2grace.com.

God bless.
David

The Victims

I believe I have talked about this to some degree already, but it deserves more space. I was talking with someone today about the fact that some people I've talked to don't understand the serious sentence I'm facing for "just" viewing child pornography. Just is not my word, it is their word. I understand the seriousness of this crime and the strong message a long sentence sends to potential offenders. Even though I never directly touched a child, just by viewing those images I was victimizing those children again. Also by viewing them I was creating additional demand for those types of images. One stat I saw stated that more than 20,000 pornographic images of children are posted online every day worldwide. The more people who make the decision not to encourage the producers of child pornography, the lower the demand and hopefully this will ultimately result in less abuse of children. And at the very least, we hopefully can reduce the re-victimization of these kids.

I encourage anyone who is "just" viewing child pornography (or compulsively viewing any kind of pornography) to reach out and get help. I was scared that if I told a therapist or anyone about my viewing these images I would be reported to the authorities. According to what I've learned from various sources, unless there is a child being harmed or is in imminent danger, therapists are not required to report the behavior. If anyone knows differently, please post a comment with the correction. I hope people will reach out and ask for help. That is the first step to helping yourself, your family and the victims. Contact a therapist, attend a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting, consult with a pastor and as always, you can reach out to me at david@fromshame2grace.com. Don't end up getting that knock at the door like Lisa and I did. This can be your wake up call. You are not alone and there is hope.

Next post will be on personal responsibility and pornography. Stay tuned.

God bless,
David

Let's talk

I met a friend yesterday morning to work out and catch up. We exercised for about an hour and a half and we talked almost the entire time. Some of it was work-centered as he is starting up a new business. But we also talked about faith, family, our successes and our challenges. I have a feeling my friend was use to this kind of open communication and connectedness. For me it was another sign of the benefits of recovery and redemption. As I've mentioned before, isolation, secrecy and shame are a huge part of addiction. I believe the opposite of isolation is not physically being in a crowd of other people, but connecting with just one person on deeper emotional, spiritual and relational levels.

Each day I stay sober, work the program, connect with God and work on my marriage I build a foundation that can sustain me for the rest of my life one day at a time.

God bless,
David

My husband, my friend

Had you asked me 8 months ago if I would be sitting here now talking about pornography addiction, I would have told you that you were crazy! But, here I am, and this is now my life.

My husband is a great man! He is kind, gentle, smart, funny, witty, handsome - I could go on and on! But, he has a problem - pornography addiction. Before December 16, 2008 I didn't know what pornography addiction was. I thought the only people who had pornography addictions were dirty old men sitting in a back room of a XXX video store, but as I have come to learn that is most often not the case. They are doctors, lawyers, ministers, bankers, janitors, etc.. They are the person next store.

David and I have been seeing a therapist. We go to sessions together, and group sessions. Most of the addicts that I have come to know are good people. Good people who have done bad things, but they are not bad people. They are people, like David who was looking to fill a void in his soul. I am not an addict. I do not have an addictive personality. But, after listening to the stories of how the addicts got to where they are, I can see how anybody could follow the same path. It seems as though most of the addicts' problems started when they were children. David's was.

Through our therapy sessions, I have come to realize that I have issues as well. Therapy makes you take a look at your self, and face your issues. It's a hard thing to do as most people don't want to admit they have issues. But, I would recommend therapy for anyone who is not happy with who they are.

For as awful as the last 8 months have been, David and my relationship could not be any better. We have a loving relationship. We always thought we had that, but now know we did not. There was tension. I wanted to fix it, but couldn't figure out what the problem was. Now I know. Through our therapy, I have learned that David has been struggling with this most of his life. He didn't want to tell me as he was ashamed, scared, and filled with guilt. He knew he had a problem, but didn't know where to go to ask for help. This is why we are doing this as we now know that there are many people who are in the same situation.

I will write more later.

-Lisa Chatham

Spousal support

No, I'm not talking about alimony. I'm talking about my amazing wife, Lisa. God has graced me with a wife who is both strong and compassionate. She has been such a rock during all of this. Not that we haven't had a few bad days over the last 8 months, but our relationship has changed so dramatically for the better. Where we use to communicate out of resentment and bitterness, we now communicate out of love and respect. We're more patient, tolerant and kind than we have ever been. I believe part of the reason for this transformation is that I have no more secrets. I've lived a lie for the last 30+ years and it is such a relief to be able to be honest and open with my wife, my family and my friends. I'm ashamed of what I have done, but I don't live in shame anymore.

Lisa has worked so hard in therapy and in our daily efforts at improving our marriage. Another significant, and probably the most important part of our renewal is our relationship with God. He is now part of our daily life. We pray together, read Biblical-based books together, work on the Love Dare each day, work with our pastor, and attend church and Sunday school weekly. Having a spiritual connection is an integral part of creating a healthy relationship.

I'm so blessed to have a wife who is willing to stand by me through this time. Who is exploring her own issues. Who is building a deeper relationship with Christ. Who is showing strength and character in ways I never imagined. Who is helping her family grow and improve their relationships. I'm so blessed.

God bless,
David

Fromshame2grace.com

I decided to go ahead and get a proprietary domain for our blog - www.fromshame2grace.com
The original URL is still active, but I thought it would be nice to have a .com address.

If you're a regular please feel free to bookmark the new url - www.fromshame2grace.com

God bless,
David

The Circles

In the 12-step program in which I participate we're encouraged to identify our behaviors in categories of inner circle, middle circle and outer circle. The inner circle are our bottom line behaviors we act on in our addiction. For example, mine include looking at pornography of any kind, compulsive masturbation and chatting online. Middle circle are behaviors that aren't our core addiction but could be risky if we're not careful. For example, a middle circle behavior of mine would be being online, as most of my acting out occurred online. It may also include watching an R rated movie, or even going to a concert like I wrote about in a previous post. My outer circle behaviors are things that are healthy, generally risk-free and productive. This includes everything from bike riding with Lisa to sitting at home reading a book.

I've been doing pretty well staying in outer circle stuff, but I still find it challenging to be online sometimes and in my middle circle. Because of the proliferation of sexually related images, it is almost impossible to avoid it online. Whether it is something as innocent as Miss America in a bikini or more salacious like some celebrity "accidentally" exposing herself, it all is tempting. So my wife and I have taken some steps to help reduce the temptation by installing on our computer an accountability software called Covenant Eyes - www.covenanteyes.com. It sends Lisa a report of my online activities every couple of days, making me more accountable and giving her comfort.

If you're challenged with temptation, you might consider checking out programs like Covenant Eyes, there are many out there.

God bless,
David

Girls, Girls, Girls

For those that don't keep up with 80's big hair metal music, the title is a reference to a Motley Crue song from around that time. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I recently went to the Def Leppard/Poison show and found it to be a little less exciting than I remember these kinds of shows being over the years. The music was still good, but the atmosphere was a little depressing. While I haven't lost my appreciation for beauty, I found it disappointing that so many women are compelled to display their bodies so aggressively and men seem to act like they have never seen breasts before. I watched the actions and reactions and found it truly sad.

Just like I avoided places where drugs and alcohol were prevalent in my early recovery from those substances, I am going to try to set limits on the types of places I go as it relates to my recovery from sexual addiction. This is also a choice around my faith. I don't think you would find Jesus hanging out at the Motley Crue concert, even though he has long hair and seems to enjoy music.

So, I decided NOT to go to the Motley Crue show later this month. While I know I can't totally avoid seeing beautiful women, I do want to manage the situations in a way that makes it as healthy as possible. We're going to the coast this weekend and I will likely limit my time on the beach to small chunks and try to focus on Lisa and work to be respectful of her, rather than getting whiplash gawking at the college girls in their bikinis.

I don't think I will ever be a monk, but the goal is to stay sober, practice my faith, keep my integrity and build up my wife. It is a whole lot easier to do that without the help of Motley Crue, Poison or the girls from Hooters.

Podcast of radio show

Here is a link to the podcast of the Truth Talk Live show I did this past Wednesday. Your comments, criticisms, thoughts, suggestions are welcome and encouraged.
http://www.c2athisweek.org/CMS/podcast

God bless,
David

Just a symptom

I was talking to someone lately about addiction (shocking, I know) and we were discussing the idea that the particular ways we chose to act out are actually just symptoms of the problem, not the real problem. I think I've had some form of just about all the primary addictions out there - drugs, alcohol, food, sex, relationships/love, even some as innocuous as TV and reading. They all helped me escape my real problem, the fact that I always felt less than, empty, unworthy, and even much of the time hated who I was. And each symptom caused me to continue the downward spiral of addiction. I didn't have a drug problem, a porn problem or a food problem, I had a hole-in-my-soul problem.

The only thing that has helped me fill that hole and not take on another addiction/symptom is a combination of therapy, Christianity, 12-Step programs, honesty and strong relationships with friends and family. Without any one of these I don't think I would be as far along the road to recovery as I am today. There is still a long way to go, but I'm so grateful for the glimmer of hope we have seen.

God bless,
David

Wilmington radio

It looks like I have another opportunity to do a radio show. On August 17 at 8:00 a.m. I'll be on the Curtis Wright show in Wilmington. The link is included above http://www.thebigtalkerfm.com. It is a conservative station, so I'm curious to see what kind of response we get. I'm appearing with Dr. Mike Adams, professor of criminology at UNC-W. I was a student of his when I went to UNC-W and have followed his writing over the last few years. He's probably what many would call a "right-winger" but he is probably one of a handful of conservative college professors. He is also part of the conspiracy that led me to Christ, so he's a real winner in my book.

Soon after I was served the search warrant on December 16, I reached out to Dr. Adams as I knew he had struggled with his own demons over the years and found a way out. I emailed him and told him I had struggled with drugs and alcohol from 12-18, but have been sober for 24 years. I was now struggling with another addiction and wanted to talk to him about his experiences. Dr. Adams called me within an hour of me sending the email. Before I even told him the problem he said, "Let me guess, pornography." We talked for a while and he shared his testimony. I asked him about churches and accepting Christ and other questions heavy on my heart. He gave me direction when I was directionless. He suggested I read Soul Revolution http://www.soulrevolution.net, which I did, and that I try some churches and talk to a pastor. All which I also did.

A little longer post than normal, but I owe where I am spiritually today to so many people. My brother Brad, Dr. Adams, Providence Pastor Ricky Mill, Don C. and Johnny McConnell, my wife, my therapist, my family and Lisa's family and our friends who have stuck by us.

God bless,
David

Nothing but a good time?

We went to the Def Leppard,. Poison, Cheap Trick show tonight. While I still enjoy the music. I feel like I'm drifting away from that kind of setting. It is exciting, and it is dun energy and all, but there are a lot of distractions that cause temptation. Between the sex, drugs and rock and roll, it is a little challenging at times. These kinds of show attract a certain type of woman. I'm guessing you can imagine the type I'm talking about, so I'll spare you the details. This evening I went with my wife and a good friend, and then ran into a couple of people from my therapy group. Actually, they were sitting just two seats away when we got there. Having people there to be accountable to is helpful.

We have another show coming up. I'm going to think about whether or not I should go. The other thing I've noticed lately about music, is that I am shying away from some of the darker stuff like Ozzy, Black Sabbath, and other metal bands and turning to more positive, uplifting types of music. Curious to see where that goes. I've even started to listen to some Christian stations. Interesting...

God bless,
David

Last call for Survey

We've gotten a fairly good response, but I wanted to put it out there one more time. I hope you will help. Thank you and God bless.


Survey Link
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=sy_2bhGHFLzf4O4yNLLQhuZg_3d_3d

The Power

I'm still amazed at how powerful spirituality can be in impacting lives. Not just from personal experience, but in watching how God is working in the lives of people around me. After doing the radio show Wednesday evening I've received probably a dozen emails from people sharing their testimony, their struggles with addiction and sin or their experiences with a family member or friend. This is why I've followed the call to go public with my child pornography charge. Being able to share my testimony and the hope I've been given is such a gift.

Another example of the power of spirituality is in the rooms of the 12-step program I attend. Hearing the stories of people's experience, strength and hope is so incredibly uplifting. Men and women who have struggled most of their lives with addiction to some form of sexual acting out. Just like in recovery from drugs and alcohol, it doesn't matter what your "drug of choice" is, we are all trying to fill the same hole with something positive.

And one of the most powerful ways I've seen God work is in our marriage. I've talked to so many people about how much closer and connected Lisa and I have become. We still struggle at times to overcome the baggage we brought into the relationship, but we have seen real progress in getting closer to each other, through prayer and faith. If you haven't experienced that, I pray you take the opportunity to find out how you can.

God bless,
David

Another resource

Damon at www.RecoverCast.com has some valuable resources related to recovery. Check it out. Please share other sites, blogs, resources, etc. that you have used in the past.

God bless,
David

Traction

There is actually starting to be some traction on the blog these days. I would love to have folks get engaged in conversation. I've turned off the requirement to register to make it easier for folks. I may regret making this request :), but hopefully visitors will be respectful and use this as an opportunity to help each other.

An interesting day today, walking through my youth with someone and getting deep into my past. It was difficult at times, but was really cathartic. It is like digging through a closet of your old clothes, some you loved and miss, while others you're oblivious as to how you, or anybody, could have ever worn something like that.

Thinking about how my addiction started and progressed. How my relationships have been so very superficial and disconnected. How my actions have harmed others both directly and indirectly. While I've been over this ground before, it was even more enlightening and eye-opening for some reason. I continue to see the benefits of striving for a Christ-centered, recovery-focused life and I'm so grateful.

God bless,
David

Survey

As most of the research I've found is four or five years old, I thought I would do an informal survey as a way to get more current information and to possibly spark some conversations online and offline. The survey is anonymous. I know this is a sensitive and uncomfortable topic, but the more light we shine on it the more hope there is for recovery. Thank you and God bless.

Survey Link
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=sy_2bhGHFLzf4O4yNLLQhuZg_3d_3d

Amazing Grace

I did the Truth Talk Live -www.truthtalklive.com - show this afternoon with Steve Nobel. He was so gracious to allow me to be on. We covered my story, how I ended up where I am today, and how I came to accept Christ. We had some calls come in, and one from Canada was particularly poignant. The caller, John, was struggling with sex addiction and his faith. Like me, he grew up a "Christian" but has really never known what it truly means to be saved. We didn't have much time to talk, but he did stay on the line and talk to Steve for a little while after the show and it seems like he was open to exploring a deeper relationship with God. I plan to follow up with him tonight. Please keep him in your prayers.

I am so grateful that God is using this time to allow me to reach out and connect with people. The show will be available online in a day or so. I'll post the link here if anyone is interested.

God bless,

David

Some recovery resources

Finding a way out of sex addiction, including pornography addiction, is one of the most difficult things one can do. I believe it is almost impossible to do it alone. I can't count how many times I tried to quit. How many times I deleted all my pornography, canceled accounts, and resolved to never go back. At the most, I might go a few days then go right back. Without finding something positive to fill the hole that we have inside of us, we will continue to act out in negative ways. For some the positive thing is a support group like Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. For others it is finding eternal relief in Christ. There is also therapy with a professional or pastoral counselor. Family and friends are also great resources. For me, it has taken all of these to fill that hole. It was a big one!!

It started with therapy with Dr. Donna Peaslee, then a 12-step program, then I accepted Christ, and my family and friends have been a huge part of my recovery. I've been sober now from child pornography, adult pornography, compulsive masturbation and chat for about 8 months. That is the longest without some for of sexual acting out since I was 9 years old.

With sobriety comes recovery. I've mentioned some of the blessings I've received through recovery, but I'm constantly amazed at these gifts. So much freedom comes with recovery. Freedom from shame. Freedom from fear. Freedom from self-centeredness. Freedom from hurting others through our addiction. Freedom from self-inflicted pain. Freedom from isolation. And the list goes on...

Here is a short list of some resources I recommend:

Sex Addicts Anonymous - http://saa-recovery.org/

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous - http://www.slaafws.org/

Celebrate Recovery - http://www.celebraterecovery.com/

COSA (for family members of sex addicts) - http://www.cosa-recovery.org/

Providence Baptist Church in Raleigh has a meeting for men struggling with sexual impurity - contact Ricky Mill for more information- ricky@pray.org

You can always contact me if I can be of assistance - dachatham@gmail.com

So if you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, check out these resources. It is the first step to getting help.

God bless,
David

On the radio

Please pray for me today as I'm going to be on a Christian radio show on Sirius. The show is on live at 5:00 p.m. on channel 161 and AM 1030 here in Raleigh. We're going to talk about my child pornography charge, pornography addiction and my testimony on how Christ saved me on February 12, 2009. Needless to say, I'm nervous. But I have faith that God is going to use me as a mouthpiece for his word. It is not about what I want, but about how he chooses to use me to help others.

If you listen today I would love to get your feedback, criticism, suggestions, etc. You can leave them as comments here or email me at dachatham@gmail.com.

God bless,
David

Interesting stats

In doing some research I ran across some interesting stats, including:

Two out of three couples in divorce cite the Internet as the cause of the divorce

Average age of first exposure to Internet pornography - 7 to 9 depending on the resource

Forty-seven percent of Christians said that Internet pornography is a major problem in their home

Every second more than 28,000 people are viewing Internet pornography

Ten percent of adults admit to sexual addiction (that is just the number who will admit it)

Largest consumer group of online pornography - 12 to 17 year olds

motives

Some are questioning my motives in undertaking this public initiative. All I can say is, I don't blame them. I've been telling lies about my life for more than 30 years. If it wasn't about drugs and alcohol or food it was about pornography.

I understand the skepticism. I'm a PR guy. But that is exactly why I'm doing what I'm doing. I want to use my skills for good, not evil.

Do I hope that this effort will positively impact my case? Yes. Do I think it will? No. My sentence is determined by federal sentencing guidelines.The overwhelming odds are that I will do 5 to 8 years in prison. I accept that. I hope to use the time and freedom I have left to help others avoid the trap I chose to stay in.

Only God truly knows my motivation and I leave it to him to judge me.

God bless,
David

Attitude of gratitude

During times like this it is easy to focus on the negative. And truth be told, this is an especially trying time. But because I want to try to use my situation as an opportunity to raise awareness of issues around child pornography and pornography addiction, I am trying to focus on the blessings in my life. And there are so many.

First and foremost is my new life in Christ. It has given me so much peace and grace. My wife has been such a rock during this and we have gotten so much closer and healthy in our relationship. My family and Lisa's family have been so amazing. My friends have given me more grace than I deserve. Dr. Donna Peaslee and all the members of my group have helped me understand who I am and why, such a huge gift. Pastor Ricky Mill at Providence who helped me accept Christ. The men of my Friday morning Bible study have been such mentors and examples of how to live a Godly life. Our lawyer, Joe Cheshire and his assistant Moira Bitzenhofer, who have helped us stay sane and been such strong advocates. I could go on and on.

Bottomline is that I'm fully responsible for the situation I am in. I regret each day the harm my actions have had. But God's grace has given me so much to be grateful for.

God bless,
David

Happenings

Tomorrow is a big day. It is the first time I'm going to be talking to a reporter about my public awareness initiative, my charges and related topics. I'm fearful, but hopeful that we can make a difference.

Lisa and I had our session with our therapist today. It went well, I think. We're still working through the fact that I'm going to prison for some period of time, up to eight years. I think my faith is helping me cope with my fate. I ask every day for God to take my fear from me, and so far, it seems to make a difference.

We're still moving in, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. It is feeling less like a disorganized storage unit and more like a home. Lisa and I had a good time shopping for a toothbrush holder at Home Goods. We're finding it is the simple things that are sometimes the most enjoyable.

Change

The only constant is change. The longer I live the more I believe this axiom. Just when we think life has become predictable, something unexpected happens. Negotiating these twists and turns can be challenging, but it also helps us practice things like patience, acceptance, perseverance and faith. I speak from experience.

These last 8 months have provided so many changes and opportunities to practice all of these behavioirs, and then some. The most impotant one for me has been faith. Faith that no matter what happens, God has a plan. That doesn't mean it is all going to turn out rosy. It just means that he won't give us more than we can handle, with his help and the help of our friends and families. So far, this has proven to be the case.

David