David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 12, 2009.
David writes:
The last few days have been a little challenging for me. I've been feeling very remorseful and angry at myself for the pain I've caused Lisa and others. I don't say this to illicit any pity, just to provide some context for this post.
These feelings have brought back some of the shame and guilt of my past. And with that shame has come the temptation to fall back on old habits like isolation and resentment.
I know, how can someone who is spending 23 hours a day alone in a cell not be isolated? Believe it or not, for me, I can be ultra-isolated. Just like the addict I am, I can take anything to the extreme. So as I started feeling the shame creep up, I noticed I began to withdraw into myself even more. I slept during the day, didn't talk to my block-mates and chose not to call family and friends during my hour of break. Hence, a whole other level of isolation.
I also noticed that I was beginning to be short-tempered and impatient. I was terse with my blockmates and guards. The good news is it only took me a day to diagnose what I was doing and work on correcting it. I said the Serenity Prayer, committed to talking to people and called others on my break.
While I wish I didn't fall back, it's definitely progress to identify and work on defects of character quickly. Or at least more quickly than before. Progress not perfection, right?
God bless,
David
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
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1 comments:
I can say this blog has been helpful for me. Recently, I learned that my husband of 15 years has been addicted to porn for 10 years or more. He has not explored child porn (that I'm aware of). However, I do know that he has communicated with strangers by phone and e-mail on a regular basis (one as long as 5 years). He has also had some physical relations with strangers he's met through his online communication. Like David, his addiction has escalated. From what he has admitted to me, it began by simply looking at sites, then he began exploring homemade porn, and eventually he started communicating with actual people. He has developed certain fetishes, and though he says he is not gay -- he has been intimate with men and communicates regularly with closet cross dressers. This discovery has only been recent, and may have gone unnoticed had he not left me earlier this year. I was a loving, trusting wife who never imagined her husband would stray. I was absolutely blindsided when he walked out of our marriage -- no warning, no discussion, just gone. I was dumbfounded and completely baffled as I thought we had a "good marriage." A few months after separating I discovered that he had been having a year-long affair with someone he met at work conferences. I realize now that this woman was simply one of his many sexual flings. It evolved into a "relationship" as she "fell in love." However this was only the tip of the iceberg because 6 weeks ago -- after my continued search for "what happened?" -- I discovered that the husband I trusted was the ultimate "Master of Deception." After tapping into one of his 5 secret e-mail accounts (I had no idea until after he left), I discovered his double life. I read 600+ e-mails that had been sent out by him in the past year -- these e-mails were either soliciting sex or responding to sex ads. I discovered photos he had posted on message boards and sent to strangers. I discovered sex sites, and Yahoo!groups he had been a member of since 2003. I discovered the nearly 30 "friends" he chatted with. I discovered phone numbers and addresses of persons he met with. After the discovery, I began reading about sexual addiction and it all made sense -- his irritability, his avoidance of family, our lack of intimacy. I had attributed it all to stress at work, but now I realize it was his decade-long (or longer) addiction. Obviously, the double- and even triple-life he's led finally wore him down. I guess the family who loved and trusted him was the first to go. The guilt was too much. Despite being with another woman (who currently lives 5 hours away and is not aware of his addiction), his behaviour continues. I'm truly scared for him. I pray that he gets help, because like Lisa I still do love my husband. I've given him books, referred him to this site, and various help groups. Unfortunately, I don't think he wants to stop and I fear that someday he, too, will be headline news.
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