What a Shame (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated October 16, 2009.

David writes:

Shame has been called a "hemorrhage of the soul" (Jean-Paul Sartre). For those of us who have felt the shame of abuse and addiction, this is an apt description. In some cases, shame is an appropriate response to inappropriate actions. But in the case of abuse survivors and addicts, shame is part of a downward spiral.

I felt shame from a very young age. From the experience with my cousin to the discovery of my fathers' pornography at age 9 to my first use of drugs at age 12. I knew in my soul that these things were wrong and filled me with shame. I spent the rest of my life running and hiding from this shame. I wore masks. I pushed people out of my life. I engaged in risky behavior. All to try to hide the shame I felt. Even when I had successes in my life (promotion, marriage, new home) I would run because I was afraid people would see me for the shameful fraud I really was. I've heard similar stories from many people in recovery.

So how do we overcome shame? My experience is to turn to a higher power, God, to provide my inner peace. I can't depend on jobs, people, drugs, or pornography to give me back my soul. Something greater than me is the only thing that can do it.

God bless,
David