We Are What We Think (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated December 30, 2009.

David writes:

I mentioned the book, Imaginations, by Thomas Gills, M.D. in a previous post. The premise of the book is that we are what we think. That seems like a given, but I had to step back and "think" about it before I grasped it fully.

Gills asks his readers that if it were possible to create a transcript or video of their thoughts, would they want their family and friends to see it. I was grateful to say that today I would be fine with it. I have no more secrets and that is such a blessing.

But it wasn't too long ago that I would have rather died than have anyone know my thoughts. I mentioned this idea to Lisa and she said she would be afraid to see my thoughts as they were a year ago. I don't blame her.

Even though not all of my thoughts are pure and positive today, I take steps to transform those thoughts from harmful to helpful through prayer, meditation and sharing them with others. Shining light on negative thoughts is a great disinfectant. I have never felt so free as I am when I'm free of negative thoughts. I do believe we are what we think. What do you think?

God bless,
David

Metanoia- Transformed Mind (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated December 30, 2009.

David writes:

I'm reading a book, Imaginations, by Thomas Gills M.D. I'll write more about the book's premise, We Are What We Think, in a later post. I wanted to focus on one of Gills' sub-points - that in order to change our lives in a positive way we have to completely change our minds. We have to achieve Metanoia, a Greek word that means "transformed mind".

I've been struggling with my thoughts lately. I've had the old stinking thinking creep up and cause me to turn to my higher power, my wife and others to help me get back on track toward Metanoia. It is amazing how imprinted our minds are and how difficult it is to transform them from negative to positive.

But as with everything in recovery, it is about progress not perfection. I can see that my thinking is more focused on positive influences: God, Lisa, family, friends, helping others. Before, it was focused on self-centered pursuits. I can see and feel the difference every day.

A transformed mind is something I pray for everyday. Recovery and redemption are all about change. Addiction is all about stasis, the same thing every day. Add Metanoia to your vocabulary and your goals.

God bless,
David

Clearance Clarence (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated December 25, 2009.

David writes:

I've never been one to make new year resolutions. I think if it takes a new year to make me change something, then I'm probably not really committed to changing it. That said, I do think the new year is a good time to take stock of my life and see what's working and what's not. Basically treat it like an inventory for a business. What is selling and what isn't. What are customers asking for?

This has been an amazing year. Those who have followed us this year know that is an understatement. Literally, our entire life has changed. And despite my incarceration, we have gained so much in the process, and shed many things that just weren't selling. Good riddance. We put things like shame, fear, resentment and self-pity on clearance. We stocked up on gratitude, respect, love and forgiveness. Very hot items, I must say! We also saw great demand for honesty, compassion and faith.

As we look forward to this year and beyond, I have a feeling most of these items are timeless and will continue to be heavy sellers. Don't wait too long, as you may miss out. And you won't find them in the clearance bin at Wal-Mart with the Jonas Brothers dish set.

God bless,
David

Stinking Thinking (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated December 20, 2009.

David writes:

Addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful. I was just laying in my bunk this morning and for some reason thoughts of pornography started dancing in my head. It is amazing how it just sits and waits for a vulnerable moment and then grabs you. I have no idea why it picked this morning, but it was definitely there. I fought it as I have in the past. I prayed the Serenity Prayer and tried to focus on something positive. When that didn't seem to do the trick I decided to just try to go to sleep. That worked. I fell asleep and woke up with a refreshed mind and no thoughts of pornography.

These reminders aren't fun, but they are important in reminding us we are dealing with a patient addiction. It just sits and waits hoping we become complacent and lazy in our program. Knowing that keeps me motivated to stay connected to God, people in the program and with my own feelings.

We are given a daily reprieve from our addiction in return for our daily commitment to recovery. What we do each day determines if we've built up our defenses against a cunning, baffling and powerful addiction. I'm in this to win. Thank God for the weapons to fight to a victory.

God bless,
David

Protect Your Children - Being Proactive in a Reactive World

Providence Baptist Church held a seminar titled, "Protect Your Children - Being Proactive in a Reactive World".

This was a seminar to help parents, school counselors, childcare workers, ministry workers and anyone who works with children learn how to focus on overcoming false information regarding sexual offenders and accurately identifying those who put children at risk.

Awareness is a key factor in protecting our children and understanding the signs of sexual abuse and the profile of predators. Learn the general issues around sexual offending, how it occurs and who it affects and find out the different ways that sexual offenses impact school settings and the different responses school personnel should have in response to sexual offense victims and perpetrators in school settings.

Clinical psychologist, Dr. Kevin Baldwin reviewed the profile of a predator and dispeled some common myths associated with predators. He also gave tips on how to protect against a predator whether they are an acquaintance, a family friend, a stranger or online.

Here is the link:

http://www.pray.org/shepherding-ministries/protect-your-children---being-proactive-in-a-reactive-world.aspx

You can download audio, notes, and resources.

-Lisa

Fear vs. Faith (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated December 14, 2009.

David writes:

I am now in general population at a jail awaiting transfer to a federal facility in the next few weeks or so. I share one large room, they call it an Open Bay, with about 40 other guys of all races, backgrounds, crimes and demeanors. Most of our block is laid back, older guys just doing their time and avoiding trouble. But it always seems there is some underlying tension boiling just below the surface. At first I was fearful and just kept to myself. But then decided that I couldn't live like that and have a "full" life in jail. I had to take a leap of faith and try to experience and contribute to our "society". Now I'm talking to folks, playing games, attending Bible services and just being part-of.

Out in society I would regularly hide out and choose not to participate for fear people would see through my lies and call me on it. I didn't have faith in anything or anybody much less God or myself. Again, even though I am physically confined, I'm growing and experiencing things that are helping me be a deeper human, better husband and follower of God. Give faith a chance. Take it out for a walk sometime.

God bless,
David

How Does One Achieve True Happiness? (from Lisa)

(For all my family members and support group who may be reading this, let me preface this post by saying I am not suicidal, depressed, or in crisis. This is just something I have been thinking about and wanted to get some thoughts and feedback.)

The heading says it all, how does one achieve true happiness? This is my question to you all. Over the past year, I have been seeing a wonderful therapist. In therapy you take a look at one's "self". The thing that defines you. I am trying to find my "self". Not Lisa as a wife, daughter, sister, friend, or coworker, but who I truly am. I think alot of my "self" was defined by what others thought of me. And my happiness was defined by what I could do to make others happy. Although David and I had problems, I looked forward to coming home to him. This is one of the things that made me happy. Now that is not possible - at least not for 6 years. I have a great husband, family, friends, support group, pastor, job, therapist, and most recently God in my life. I am healthy. I am educated. I have opportunities. But for some reason I don't feel happy. This doesn't make any sense. I do things that make me happy, such as exercising, socializing with friends, or watching my favorite TV show, but that is short term. How do you achieve true life-long happiness? Is true happiness something that you have to work at? Or are you supposed to get happiness in the small things? Do I need more faith in my life? Or do we go through this life only to get to the true happiness in our next life? I have heard about these truly happy and content people. Where are you? And how can I achieve?

Is ignorance really bliss?

Over the last few days of Tiger Watch, the media has been speculating as to whether or not Tiger Woods is in sex rehab. I have seen several “news” programs in passing over the last few days and watched the commentaries on this subject and I must say, it has been so disheartening. The running theme I seemed to catch was “Tiger Woods is not a sex addict – if he were, his wife would have known about it.” I even heard one of his mistress’s say that she “never saw the signs of him being a sex addict.” So the conclusion has been that he is just going to rehab to recover his image and nothing else. Let me just say that as a wife of a recovering addict, I did not know my husband was a sex addict for four years. I am a fairly intelligent and intuitive person. Yes, looking back, I can see some of the red flags, but even when I think about those times I thought that something wasn’t quite right, I would have NEVER imagined it would be something like sex addiction. I think this points to the larger problem here. Sex addiction is by far the most misunderstood addiction. Now, all of a sudden, all of these news personalities are so-called experts on the situation. When in fact their ignorance is perpetuating the myths of what this addiction truly is. It is so irresponsible yet they are not the ones that pay the price. Believe me, I am not condoning the actions of Tiger Woods by any means, but to have this much judgment and mis-truths put out there over what people *think* this addiction is, why would anyone seek help?

This is yet one more reason why I support David and Lisa’s initiative wholeheartedly. Like a hurricane, the addiction will destroy anyone and anything in its path. I am one of the lucky ones who found help and have been able to start putting back together the pieces of my life. I hope this initiative will continue to spread the word (the correct word) so others out there will find the same path of peace.

Spare Some Change? (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated December 13, 2009.

David writes:

It has been a year of change, change and more change. I've always found it difficult to gracefully adapt to change. Usually I try to fight it, hide from it or just wish it would go away.

Today I can actually embrace change as something positive in my life. It usually means that I am growing or evolving. It is an opportunity to stretch and learn something new. Or more often, how to do something better and in a more healthy way.

For example, I was recently moved to another jail outside of NC. It was pretty stressful and I didn't deal with the stress well at first. I was emotional and feeling a lot of self pity. But rather than wallow in it, I talked to people about it, took a risk and managed to come out of it quickly and only having to apologize to Lisa once. That's progress! And I apologized within hours of the infraction!

So, I say let's look for change and welcome it, not run from it. Change makes the world go around.

God bless,
David

Letters from Child Pornography Survivors (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated December 10, 2009.

David writes:

I was speaking with a person who works through the courts to stop child pornography. I told him about an idea I had to give a voice to the survivors of child pornography and to raise awareness of the problem that is becoming more prevalent every day.

I suggested that we work with survivors to solicit letters from them to their abuser, their family, society or maybe even God that focus on the impact the abuse has had on their life. I don't want to cause more harm to these brave souls who have been through so much. But as I told the judge, the threat of prison, the loss of my first wife, almost losing my second wife and even federal agents knocking on my door isn't what stopped me. What stopped me cold was hearing from a survivor the pain, shame and resentment he suffered from being abused and having that abuse captured on film. I believe if we can create a platform from which survivors can tell their story (anonymously) we can communicate more effectively the true depth of damage this horrible crime inflicts on its victims and how even "just" viewing it perpetuates their pain.

God bless,
David

Clean Slate (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated December 10, 2009.

David writes:

The night after my sentencing to six years in prison, I was laying in my bunk thinking about the day and trying to wrap my mind around it. I felt free. I know that's strange coming from a guy sitting in jail and facing another six years behind bars. But for the first time in my life I felt like I was starting to live life with a clean slate.

I'm sure many will say that I have far from a clean slate. I'm a convicted felon. A registered sex offender and reviled by many in society. Let me clarify. I have no more secrets or lies. I have lived my entire life, at least from about 9 years old, hiding something. I hid my attraction to pornography, my addiction to drugs and alcohol, my shame and fears. I hid my insecurities and my self-hatred.

Now, I have, or more accurately God has, laid open these secrets and freed me from the darkness I've lived in for so long. I am now free to love others, love myself and actually serve society rather than be a burden. I may still have to own the labels I've earned, but I no longer have to be imprisoned by my shame. I pray others are able to find this freedom without having to lose theirs.

God bless,
David

Six Years and A New Life (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated December 9, 2009.

David writes:

I had my sentencing hearing today. It was one of the most powerful events in my life. The thumbnail is that I was given six years and a lifetime of supervision. I am grateful for this sentence and believe it is fair. Some may argue it is not enough and others that it is too much.

I think any less would have minimized the seriousness of the crime and more may have been too harsh. This sentence should send the message that even "just" viewing child pornography is a significant crime with real consequences and real victims. I pray that the awareness raised by our experiences have some impact on people who are traveling the same road. You don't have to end up where I am. Take this opportunity to get help. You ARE hurting children, your family, and yourself.

As I said to the judge, I am committed to continuing our efforts, and hopefully will be able to expand them as I settle into prison.

I feel awkward thanking people at this time, but I am so blessed to have God in my life, an amazing wife, a supportive family, generous friends and so many people who are praying for us. Our attorney, Joe Cheshire, will always have a special place in our heart. He did more than just represent us. He cares about us and went above and beyond in his work on our behalf. I also have to let Dr. Donna Peaslee know how much she has meant to us. I love you, Donna. And I'm so grateful for Pastor Ricky Mill from Providence Baptist Church. He helped lead me to Christ which is the biggest gift anyone can give. Finally, people like Dr. Mike Adams, Dr. Linnea Smith, Nancy Burson and members of our support groups all gave us so much of their time, love and support. God bless you all.

This is not the end of anything. In fact, I see this as the beginning of a new chapter in our life. One that offers the opportunity for redemption and the chance to be of service to society.

Also, a thank you to all of those who read and contribute to www.fromshame2grace.com. We are going to continue this initiative and welcome your thoughts, experience and insights.

God bless,
David

Sentencing (from Lisa)

As you may or may not know, on December 9, 2009 David was sentenced to 72 months in federal prison for receipt of child pornography. (Here is the link to the newspaper article: http://www.newsobserver.com/news/counties/wake_county/story/233939.html )
He is now a convicted felon. I cannot believe this is my life.

He was sentenced just shy of one year since Federal agents showed up at our door. Little did I know that day (December 16, 2008) would change my life forever. For as awful as the last year has been, I can say that some good things have come out of it. First, even though David and I are physically separated, we are closer than ever. We (he) have no more secrets. We have learned and still are learning how to communicate with each other. Second, we are both much closer to Christ. ( Jeremiah 29:11) God has a plan. This has become our motto. God knows what he is doing. We may not like what his plan is, but he has the ultimate say. Third, we have helped others along the way. I have had countless women email me through this blog telling me their stories. Most are in the very same situation. Please stay strong ladies. This is not your fault. Believe it or not, what your husbands have done had nothing to do with you. It took me a while to realize that. It's hard not to take it personally, but don't. And lastly, I'm becoming independent. And I don't mean single. I have realized that I have always lived with a man. My parents, my first boyfriend out of college, and then my husband. There were a few months here and there I was alone, but not to the point where I had to truly take care of myself. I always had someone else's advice, thoughts, guidance, etc... I am now in control. It is a very difficult thing when you are not used to it. I am still struggling with making decisions on my own. I look for others input. Not to say that advice from others isn't helpful or sometimes necessary. But I mean that I am learning to be an adult and not to rely on someone else to take care of me.

I'm not sure what this year will bring, but look forward to the future and all good things with it. Thanks for reading.

Lisa Chatham

Pegasus Chapter VI

Happy New Year! Amazing what a year has done. I finally got it. It’s me. Those boys in my 7th grade class were correct. I do look like a “baboon-butt”; as I vividly recall them taunting me as I walked out the middle-school cafeteria. ‘Baboon, where are you going?’ ‘Monkey girl…do you want a banana?’ they would shout as they grabbed their genitals offering their ripe bananas.

Looking back, I was long and lanky, no fat on my body except for a butt similar to J.Lo's, who is making plenty of money off of it now. But for a common, average girl with no self-esteem, I accepted the fact that I was or at minimum, looked like a full-breed baboon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah for the people that know me…stop being politically correct. I know what I look like…you never were appalled at the notion before. You sat there and let it happened. You didn’t stop the taunting. You sat as they called me monkey and said nothing, secretly laughing inside.

Admit it, you confirmed your family’s thoughts thru your present-day thoughts. You think me and the other baboons are unattractive, fat, ugly and repulsive. You secretly are glad that you don’t live in my skin --- covered with the ulcers and all. You couldn’t image anyone having sex with me, could you? The anti-vomiting medicine is on the right side of your medicine cabinet, if you need it.

Now that you are back and fully medicated..think though this….. What would happen if a baby was created…that child would be so baboon-ugly! Worse, a baboon sex-addict. Ugh.

It’s so clear. Otherwise why wouldn’t a healthy man like my non-gay husband not want to be intimate with me? I’m sure my monkey-breathe turned his stomach. Poor thing. I tormented him.

Can you blame him? What if YOU were married to me, the baboon? According to Google, I’m "monkey-like" whose ancestors are from Africa. I have a strong torso, a snout-like face, sharp canine teeth, powerful jaws, coarse body hair and a naked rump when I decided not to wear underwear that day. Clearly, this description is a far cry from the porn stars that our beloved sex addictions masturbated to everyday.

The definition goes on to say, I, Holey Mother, the baboon, am active during the day and eat both plant (I love spinach) and animal (I love steak). I live to form large groups and travel together foraging for food. That’s me; I will travel a distance for a great dinner at Ruth Chris with a bunch of friends.

I googled “Butt”…but its TMI (too much information) for this blog. I trust that you can picture a butt?

Now, just put the two words together; Baboon and Butt and then you will picture me, “HOLEY MOTHER! CREATOR OF SEX ADDICT!”

I Hope, therefore I Am (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated December 2, 2009.

David writes:

I've come to believe that living life without hope is like eating wood. It will fill you up, but it isn't very satisfying. Looking back on my life, I've eaten alot of sticks. On a scale of 1-10, one being utterly hopeless and ten being full of hope, most of my life has been around a three.

I always had a sense of dread. A feeling that I was pre-destined to fail, or at least not succeed. Even at the height of my professional success I was constantly fearful and hopeless. I felt like a train barreling down a track toward a ravine with no bridge. Disaster was unavoidable.

What's amazing is now that I've "lost" everything of any material value, I have hope that is turned up to 11 (for all you Spinal Tap fans). I see so many possibilities and opportunities despite a looming prison term. Go figure. Now I'm not suggesting you follow the same path. In fact, just the opposite. Find your dream, your purpose and you will find hope. I did.

God bless,
David

The Old Dave (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 26, 2009.

David writes:

I was talking on the phone with Lisa the other day and I asked her, "How did you put up with me for 10 years?" I said that I was a real jackass, disrespectful, selfish, self-centered and rude. Not to mention deceitful, shallow, cold, uncaring and many more adjectives I'm sure she could add to with little trouble. She laughed at first, but I was serious.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful God put Lisa in my life and compelled her to stay with me. But I look back and am amazed at how sick I really was. I was so deep into my addiction, shame and self-hatred that I had no room to love others. I regret so much how I've treated Lisa and others in my life. And how I treated myself.

This last year has been a gift. For me to see that I am worthy of God's love and that I can love myself and others is so incredible. The scales are off my heart. As always, I wish it didn't take what it took, but I'm grateful it happened at all. I can't see going through another 40 years as the Old Dave. Good riddance, dude.

God bless,
David

Giving in, but not giving up (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 26, 2009.

David writes:

I have fought for control my whole life. As a child I was willful and obstinate. As a teenager I was rebellious and indignant. As an adult I was controlling and contentious. Makes you wish you had known me then, huh? Or glad you didn't? I always thought giving in to others' will meant giving up who I was.

Through the miracle of this last year I've found that I actually gain so much more by giving in to God and others. By giving in to their will, I'm able to experience freedom from self. And I've found that I'm usually my own worst enemy.

Not that I've become a noodle-spined sheep following others off a cliff. Just the opposite. I've been given the strength and wisdom to discern what is the "right" (Godly) choice for me. And I don't rely on stubborn self-will to run my life. And it's amazing how smart others have become in the last 12 months. Must be all that organ food and fish oil out there. :-)

God bless,
David

Giving Thanks A To Z (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 24, 2009.

David writes:

One of the tools I've used to help me get back on track when I'm feeling down or when self-pity creeps in is a gratitude list. I thought it was appropriate to create one it being Thanksgiving season and all. I decided I would put an extra little twist and see if I could come up with a list using all 26 letters of the alphabet. Here it goes:

Acceptance
Bible
Conscience
Donna Peaslee
Empathy
Family
God
Honesty
Intelligence
Joe Cheshire
Kisses (from Lisa)
Lisa - my wife
Mike Adams
Newness
Ocean
Pizza
Quiet
Respect
Serenity
Twelve Steps
Unity
Victory
Worship
Xantham (I like gum, what can I say)
Yearning
Zeal

Not as easy as it seems. Give it a shot. I feel more grateful already.

God bless,
David

The Second Half: From Selfishness to Service (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 22, 2009.

David writes:

I was meeting with our Pastor this past week, and he mentioned a story about a man named Bob Buford who was a wealthy business owner and Christian. As Bob reached his later years he decided to turn over his businesses to trusted managers and spend his time reaching out to large churches to help them manage their organizations more efficiently. He did this at no charge and on his own dime for travel and all. He wrote a book about his efforts called "Half Time". He was devoting the second half of his life to service.

As I look back I think the first half of my life was spent on selfish pursuits. I focused on status and material possessions and my own "success". Now that I have a chance to take a breather and experience my own half time, I'm looking forward to a second half devoted to service to others and to God.

In football, coaches use half-time to make adjustments to their game plan. I have this same opportunity. My first half I got pounded. My defense was weak, my offense wasn't scoring and even special teams missed their marks. In the second half I actually have the chance to regroup, refocus and recommit. Offensively I'm working on service before self. Defensively I'm building a relationship with a higher power, and on special teams I'm focused on rebuilding my marriage. Sounds like a plan. Keep cheering for us.

God bless,
David

Never Give Up (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 18, 2009.

David writes:

Those who know me, know that I'm a hockey fan. Specifically, a Carolina Hurricanes fan. If you follow hockey at all you know that our Canes currently hold the unenviable position of being dead last in the league. They have lost 15 of the last 16 games, 14 of those were in a row, tieing a team record.

Now there are many things they could blame this streak on, but basically it comes down to the fact that they score less than their opponents.

But you know what. The Canes' coaches and players show up for every game. You can't win if you don't show up. They get on the ice, skate and shoot to win. They aren't hiding in the locker room or blaming each other. They are practicing and training. Will they win again? Probably. They are a good set of players working to build a successful team. Just showing up is the start.

For recovery we have to do the same thing. We have to show up and practice and train. We're not always going to win each "game" but we can improve and make it a contest worth watching.

God bless,
David

A Short, Sad Life (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 17, 2009.

David writes:

Shaniya Davis only lived five years, and her last days must have been terrifying. According to news reports (http://www.newsobserver.com/opinion/editorials/story/197152.html), her mother sold her into sexual slavery to a man that ultimately took her young life. What a shameful loss. I was thinking that had I continued the path I was on, would I have seen pictures of Shaniya being sexually abused by this man? It certainly is a possibility had he successfully escaped with her and used her for sexual purposes.

That is a difficult thought. How many of the kids in those images I saw were facing a similar fate as Shaniya? It makes my stomach turn and my heart sink. It also gives me even more motivation to do all that I can to impact this horrible crime. I pray that what we are doing is making a difference and that God directs us in our efforts. If we can just save one child we will have succeeded. I know we can do more. We ask for your prayers, ideas and support. We're all accountable!

Please pray for Shaniya and her family that they find peace during this time.

God bless,
David

Serenity NOW! (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 16, 2009.

David writes:

I have been wearing out the Serenity prayer lately. We got some new, young guys on the block and they don't seem to have the maturity and mellowness of some of us older folk. They tend to be loud, talk all night and just make noise often. I know jail isn't known for peace and quiet, but I would like to enjoy some sleep the 6 hours the lights are dimmed (not turned off) between 11:30pm and 5:30am.

So I have been asking God for the Serenity to accept the things I can quite regularly. It does seem to help. I don't get as frustrated, even at 2am when I'm still awake hearing Jr. yelling for no apparent reason. I've come to believe that as long as I'm willing to reach out and do my part, God more than lives up to his end of the deal. Thank God!

God bless,
David

The Pegasus Secret. Part V It happens to Women too. Strategy A:

Part V It happens to Women too. Strategy A:

Day turned into weeks. Weeks into years. Honey, I would beg, please, please, sweety hold me, touch me. He would reply. “Don’t want none”. As he push my arms away as I was attempting to hug him. “Don’t want any” and flared his nose in the air away from me, signaling no intimacy. Once, again no sex.

Gosh, I would hold my body so tight so it would not explode. I didn’t know if it was going to blow-up from sex hormones out of control or break-down in tears because of the rejections. Either way it was going to be painful, hurtful and overflowing with humiliation.

I remember the new strategy that I came up with after arriving from an Austin, TX business trip. Strategy A: “Don’t look desperate for it”. OK, no more silky lingerie. No more acting nice. Just bully your way into bed and go for it. That’s it. Let him get it. So I waited, and waited, and waited until he arrive in the bed. Then I pretended that I was asleep. I was a fox seeking out her prey. As time forwarded, I pushed my leg toward him. Nothing. Then I heard him change the channel on the remote. CNN was so loud in my conscious. I wanted to say to the news reporter; SHUT THE HELL UP I’m TRYING TO CONVINCE MY HUSBAND TO HAVE SEX WITH ME.

Then it I knew I had to put it at it at full power; Strategy A, that is. I would pretend to be awakened by CNN. Cuddle intimately underneath him. I know what you men are thinking…. How did you look? No, I didn’t have cold cream on my face nor curlers in my hair. But still no bites from my non-gay husband. Damnit.

Desperate time calls for desperate measures. It’s on. I’m going to take it. I don’t care. I jumped on him. Naked breasts out and all. He turned his head in disgust. He didn’t want to see, nor touch it, nor smell the softness of a woman; nor me. I didn’t care. It was his duty. Make love to me now. Do something now. He did. Got up. Left the room. Shut the door as he exited.

The Pegasus Secret. Part IV Announcement! The Family of Secrets have entered the Building

It became a secret that our family has secrets. But the only person that recognized these secrets was me. I, of course, wasn’t going to tell anyone. It was way to shameful.

I woke up one day and realized, I had a teenage son that was always behind closed doors, a non-gay husband that was always at the mall, and a young son who was rallied to watch “Days of our Lives” when he arrived home from school with Grandma North.

I was so bewildered. How did I get here? I worked, worked; gave, gave; sacrificed, sacrificed. No one was breathing in my lungs. It was just me trying to blow life in my family. Blow. Blow. Blow. Blow harder damnit. It was like blowing into a balloon that had a small hole in it. The more I blew, the more our family’s life deflated.

Then I took a really good look at “them”. I saw puppets on a string. Dancing to the tune of the outside world’s minimum expectations. Even the dog seemed too complacent. My family was disappointing to me. I was so ashamed to think it; let alone write it to you.

I’m was lonely in my own home. I was the odd ball. But when convenient, I was the centre of the family. When things went south, they come running back to the nucleus.

As I served as the ad-hoc core, I felt the heavy hatred of Grandma North over me. I felt that she resented the fact that I earned the right to sleep with her prize possession. My husband was her only worthy accomplishment.

She hated that she could no longer be inside of him…that I was there intruding in her sacred space. I felt her burning, steamy, stank breathe on my neck as I walked through my day. She resented that I was a great mother in the eyes of the people that didn’t know the secret. She was jealous. Her life was shameful. She didn’t know who fathered my non-gay husband. I don’t judge. I don’t care. It was her burden that she absorbed me into.

She was angry that she wasn’t my husband’s wife. She seeked a man like him. Milk-toast, no substance, happy-go-lucky --- she birthed her perfect husband. What a secret. A secret life that now I must take to my grave because it is so sick.

Courage Under Fire (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 16, 2009.

David writes:

I've been reading the book Flags of our Fathers about the six flag raisers on Iwo Jima during WWII.  It was made into a movie in the last few years.  I am in awe of the sheer courage and commitment of the young Marines who fought in one of the most important, and deadliest, battles of any war.  There were 7,000 U.S. deaths and more than 25,000 casualties.  The Japanese lost almost everyone of their 22,000 men on the island.

The Marines faced a Japanese army that was entrenched in the island.  They had dug bunkers and tunnels throughout the island making it almost inpenetrable.

The Marines attacked the island in February of 1943.  For 30 days they battled an invisible enemy, suffered huge casualties and demoralizing fear.  But because they were fighting for each other, for their buddy next to them, they never gave up.  They were truly heroes.

I can only aspire to building that kind of relationship with the people in my life.  That I'm willing to sacrifice for them.  It may not ever require that I sacrifice my life, but for me to live each day for others is my point.  For so many years, 43 to be exact, I lived for myself.  Now I strive to be selfless rather than selfish.  Giving rather than getting.  Caring rather than being cared for.

Thank God we have people willing to lay down their lives for others to ensure our freedom.  I pray that we all strive to live that principle.

God bless,
David

Progress not Perfection (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 12, 2009.

David writes:

The last few days have been a little challenging for me. I've been feeling very remorseful and angry at myself for the pain I've caused Lisa and others. I don't say this to illicit any pity, just to provide some context for this post.

These feelings have brought back some of the shame and guilt of my past. And with that shame has come the temptation to fall back on old habits like isolation and resentment.

I know, how can someone who is spending 23 hours a day alone in a cell not be isolated? Believe it or not, for me, I can be ultra-isolated. Just like the addict I am, I can take anything to the extreme. So as I started feeling the shame creep up, I noticed I began to withdraw into myself even more. I slept during the day, didn't talk to my block-mates and chose not to call family and friends during my hour of break. Hence, a whole other level of isolation.

I also noticed that I was beginning to be short-tempered and impatient. I was terse with my blockmates and guards. The good news is it only took me a day to diagnose what I was doing and work on correcting it. I said the Serenity Prayer, committed to talking to people and called others on my break.

While I wish I didn't fall back, it's definitely progress to identify and work on defects of character quickly. Or at least more quickly than before. Progress not perfection, right?

God bless,
David

Deal, or No Deal (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 11, 2009.

David writes:

The thought of doing 10 years in federal prison is a scary one. Not that I fear for my well-being as much as I fear what it may do to my relationships with Lisa and all those I have gotten to know and love through these times. But if you told me I wouldn't have to do a single day in prison if I gave up all I've gained in the last 11 months, I would have to say "No Deal".

From the freedom from my addiction to my relationship with Lisa to my relationship with Christ, I couldn't think of giving up any of those priceless gifts. And those are just the tip of the blessing iceberg.

I've talked a lot about the blessings we've received so I won't list them again. But just know that the list is long and filled with amazing gifts.

So, while I'm not looking forward to whatever my sentence is, I know that the rewards we have received have made me eternally grateful and eternally blessed. Now that's a good deal.

God bless,
David

Is Tiger Woods a Sex Addict? (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated December 2, 2009.

David writes:

OK, I tried to talk myself out of writing this one, but I lost the argument with myself. I hate to wade into tabloid trash, but it seems like there maybe a nugget or two here as it relates to the Tiger Woods imbroglio.

Doesn't Tiger have it all? He gets paid hundreds of millions of dollars to play a game. He gets paid to put his name and face to everything from Gatorade to Tag Heuer watches. He has a beautiful super-model wife. Homes all over the world. A growing family. The respect of children and adults. He is living the dream!

Or at least that's what we thought. It turns out Tiger decided to stray from his marriage to have sex with one (and possibly more) woman other than his wife. Now this does not a sex addict make. But combine that with hundreds of sexual text messages and his willingness to sacrifice all that he has built for the sake of sex (not love). There seems to be the possibility that he may at the minimum have some sexual dysfunction going on. I pray that he and his family work this out and he gets what he needs to find peace.

It doesn't go unnoticed that if you take away the millions, his story is similar to mine and so many others who achieved material success but chose sexual acting out and risked losing it all.

God bless,
David

Mystery Solved (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 9, 2009.

David writes:

I love a good mystery. I've been reading alot of Patterson and Cornwell since I've been in jail. In the depths of my addiction and acting out I would ask myself, "Why am I like this?" I could not understand how a somewhat intelligent person could choose this way of life. That I would willingly look at child pornography, spend sleepless nights looking at pornography and chatting online. That I would risk my entire life as I knew it for so little reward. That I would ignore the sad faces of children and the damage I was doing to my marriage.

Even when I was in recovery I still had no clue why I was what I was. I told Dr. Peaslee, our therapist, that if I got nothing else out of therapy, I wanted to understand what led me to the choices I made. As we progressed in therapy it became obvious that I would never solve the mystery with a single answer. It wasn't the butler in the pantry with a knife. It was a series of events and choices over time. From early sexual acting out to discovery of pornography at 9 to drug addiction to discovering the Internet, to distant relationships and self-hatred to conscious choices to look at child pornography. They were all clues that helped solve the case. Had I chosen to examine the clues earlier, the mystery may have had a different ending. That's what I encourage others to do. Don't let others write your ending. Become your own coauthor (with God) and end the mystery.

God bless,
David

What? Me Worry? (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 9, 2009.

David writes:

I was speaking with Lisa the other day. It probably goes without saying that we have alot of balls in the air right now. Especially as it relates to my sentencing. We were talking about it and how hard it is not to worry. And then she said, "You know, I was reading that worrying means you aren't trusting God." You could have knocked me out of my orange jumpsuit. Was this my Lisa? Where did this come from?

I was amazed and grateful and so overwhelmed with joy. I shed a few tears and told her how proud of her I was and how far she has come. And I meant every word.

No day is ideal right now. But I can't say that I would change anything if it meant we would lose what we have gained through this. God has given us so many blessings. I can't wait to see what's next. So as Lisa suggests - Don't Worry, Be Happy.

God bless,
David

The End? (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 8, 2009.

David writes:

What I wouldn't give some days to have a crystal ball. Instead, I have to settle for a daily episode of my life without a clue as to what the next scene looks like, much less the ending.

Since I don't have a crystal ball or a script, I have to trust that the direction of this series that is my life has control. And that is difficult to do sometimes. I have never liked letting others control things. Just ask Lisa. Or my friends. Or my therapist who has said to me probably 50 times, "David, you're controlling again." It was just like breathing for me.

The only thing that has helped me to relinquish control (no, not jail!) is the acceptance that God is sovereign over my life. To trust that he has my best interest in directing my life.

Does that mean I'm not responsible? Just the opposite. I have to commit every day to live a positive life, a Godly life. A life focused on serving others. Not serving my will or desires.

So forget the crystal ball. I have faith. I have hope.

God bless,
David

The Pegasus Secret. Part III Heir is Bare

The boys got busy…and I got them busier. Basketball, soccer, boy scouts, run here, rush there. Work got more challenging and exhilarating for me. Promotion here, more responsibility there and my reputation as Holey Mother and Business Manager remained flawless. Damn, I was good in my own LaLa mind.

New puppy led to new old house. The old new house led to renovations then more projects to help fill our LaLa home. Run Holey Mother, Run! Run, pass out. Get up and do it again. Yes, I did it just like the Nike commercial. Just do it!

When I fell in the bed, I would look to the left and watch my “I don’t think I’m Gay” husband snore. The snoring grew louder as I watched longer. It was so loud that I felt he was yelling at me. I imaged him screaming “Get out! Get the hell out of my house”. In fear, I would shake him awake but he didn’t yell, he apologized, told me to go to sleep and turned over away from me. The next morning the LaLa ritual started again.

Heir (my first born and sex addict) was such a rebel child. Wildly funny in his own way. I adored him and his un-gay dad did too. He was so cute; always moving up and down; side to side; anywhere and everywhere. We embraced his energy but were consistent disciplinarians. However, his teachers couldn’t keep up with him, and grew frustrated by him. The conversations soon sounded like this: “There is something wrong with “Heir” he can’t stay focused, he never listens, he needs meds and/or he needs to see a psychologist”. Husband would reply, “Nonsense, Heir is just an energetic boy you need to deal with it – there is nothing wrong with him”. I stayed silent when he spoke because I liked being the submissive LaLa wife. But I secretively remained in close contact with the teachers, visiting often, talking and pleaded with Heir to behave. I hid being a “real” mother from my LaLa life. No one knew that I was sneaking around trying to keep peace with the teachers, the nannies, the babysitters, the neighbors, the grandparents. No one could know, especially the non-gay husband for it would mess-up our LaLa image. Some days I was really good and then one day I made a big mistake.

The first time in 3 years; I was late picking Heir up from the bus stop. What’s the big deal, he’s in high school now? That was 10 minutes too late. There was a police car surrounding my “Heir”. There were women lurking out the store front window baffled by him. I soon learned that Heir exposed himself to the women in the store. Just like that, Heir became a “peeper”. I cell phoned husband immediately for I couldn’t hide this one. He was there in minutes. We talked the police officer out of pressing charges. “Peeper Heir” said nothing. I called psychologists and no one would take him.

Then I thought back, what were all those mysterious women’s panties in my laundry? Why was Heir always on the computer? Why is Heir not sleeping at night? Why is there now this glassed-over look in his eyes? Stop, no, stop, I don’t want to know the answers, RUN, run Holey Mother like the Nike commercial back to LaLa! So I did. Husband was so happy I did. I was stressing over nothing, he would banter. Boys will be boys. You make mountains out of molehills. You are a drama queen, Holey Mother, Stop it! LaLa is much more peaceful for the family. Please stop it.

So I did again. But this time, I put my foot down and made some changes. I withdraw Peeping Heir out of the large public school where his grades dropped to unspeakable levels and enrolled him in a small private religious school. With my work load getting heavier, I coordinated a car pool to eliminate the bus system. No more bus stops for me and Heir. Yes, finally there was controlled peace again. This change fell right in line with our LaLa life, so un-gay husband approved. It’s made our LaLa image even that much more impressive. Whew! Peace again, YES!

Then the phone rang. It was non-gay husband’s mother from the north. Within 3 weeks of the conversation, she moved in to our LaLa house. Husband explained that it would give us the needed relief from the day-2-day responsibilities of the kids and then I can focus more on work (later translated; he can have more “mall time”). Hummm. OK, I’m listening. Grandma North could help with sweet, quiet, no-fussy young Spare. Yes, that’s good, he’s no fuss at all and he does his homework without being reminded. Grandma can help us keep a closer eye on our LaLa non-peeper Heir. Bingo! I’m in.

The day she moved in was the beginning of the end of LaLa.

The Pegasus Secret. Part II La La my lover.

The Pegasus Secret.

Part II La La my lover.

The mall outings continued which caused me to indulge more into the fake reality of “la la” land. Before I knew it, the spare was born and I’m running after two playful boys, teaching safety in every other conversation. Don’t talk to strangers, no naughty touches, and run if you feel uncomfortable. I’m sure my boys thought I was head of the FBI or insane. It didn’t matter, label me whatever you choose; if that prevents my boys from being molested…I’m ok being known as insane.

Life was busy after finding a job; causing me to consider my self-reality and separate from la la. I knew la la wasn’t good, but I was addicted to it that same way sex addicts are drawn to porn. “La La” land, made me feel safe, protected, worthy. But I know it wasn’t good, but my mind was trapped in it. I couldn’t no matter how hard I tried, pull myself to face reality; it was so much more comfortable sitting in the lap of “La La”.

My career soared and the job accomplishments made love to me in the most passionate way; unlike my husband. So I added to ‘la la’ by buying the beach home, exotic Disney vacation (if there is such a thing) and hired The Nanny. Again, nurturing my life in “la la” land; resisting the temptation of self-accomplishment, self-assurance and self-esteem. I wanted just to be the ideal wife and mother in my “la la” mind.

At this point, I don’t remember any conversations between me and my husband…just that he and the mall were still in love.

What's Your Story? (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated November 5, 2009.

David writes:

Everybody has a story. Sadly, many of the stories I've heard in jail revolve around absent or abusive parents, drugs, poor choices and even some stupidity and just plain evil. One guy, probably about 24, has 4 kids with 4 different women. He has spent most of his adult life in jails and prison and is going away for 4 years this time. He didn't even know his father. His mother was a drug addict. He had very little chance to succeed.

A friend sent me a book, To Be Told, by Dr. Dan Allender. He's also the author of The Wounded Heart, of which I have spoken about before. To Be Told challenges us to listen to our life stories and identify the common threads God has sewn there. The goal is that once we have discovered these threads that we can then be armed to coauthor, with God, the next chapters of our life.

I've just started reading the book, but I love the premise. Too often we sprint through life without reflecting on how we got here. And we spend even less time thinking about our purpose in this world. I now believe I'm here to do more than just suck up oxygen and pay bills. I am cautiously optimistic that between me and my Coauthor, my story has a real shot at a happy ending.

God bless,
David