Humility is a Clean Table (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated March 27, 2010.

One of the most distinct character flaws of addiction is pride. It seems my degree of pride is directly related to my level of shame. The more shame and guilt, the more pride. Pride also seems to be related to my level of insecurity.

I have found that the measure of my humility is also a good barometer for how I'm working my program. The more I'm praying, letting go and accepting my powerlessness the more humble I am.

The problem with being prideful is that we put ourselves ahead of everything and everybody, including God. I've found that God takes opportunities to remind us of the importance of humility. For example, just as I was getting comfortable (maybe overly so) here in prison, I was assigned the job of cleaning tables in the mess hall (very aptly named). So in less than a year I went from Sr. Vice President of one of the largest PR firms in the south, to cleaning tables in a federal prison. Talk about humility!

The funny thing is, I'm grateful for the reminder that it is not about me, it is about Him and my recovery. Now let me go get my cloth so I can clean up that spilled drink.

God bless,
David

"Screening Out Pornography"

This is an interesting article in the N&O:

http://www.newsobserver.com/2010/06/10/523559/screening-out-pornography.html#storylink=misearch

Cell Phone Versus The Bible

David sent me a copy of this and I wanted to share it.

Cell phone vs The Bible

Ever wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat our cell phone?

What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?

What if we flipped through it several times a day?

What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?

What if we used it to receive messages from the text?

What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it?

What if we gave it to kids as gifts?

What if we used it when we traveled?

What if we used it in case of emergency?

This is something to make you go....hmm....where is my Bible?

Oh, and one more thing..
Unlike our cell phone, we don't have to worry about our Bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill.

Makes you stop and think 'where are my priorities? And no dropped calls!

Prattling Prisoners of Pessimism (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated March 21, 2010.

If you guessed that prison is not a shining example of optimism, you would be correct. There are many things to be unhappy about here, not the least of which is the loss of freedom. However, I am striving each day to be a prisoner of the positive.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that the majority of inmates I've met are of the "Glass-half-empty" ilk. The food is bad, the guards are jerks, the counselors don't care and God is just out to get them. This can be dispiriting, it can wear on you.

So how does one stay positive in a world of negativity? For me it's about faith, friends, focus and family.

The two most important of these are faith and family. My faith in God helps me persevere with the assurance He has a plan for us. My family, especially my wife, have been amazing in supporting me and encouraging me to improve my life. Without God and family I know I would be filled with fear, anxiety and pessimism.

Friends are another pillar of positivity. Both friends in prison and those on the outside accept me as a human with flaws, but striving to be a better person. They call me on my weaknesses and help me find the silver lining amongst the clouds.

Finally, a focus on positive activities helps me stay optimistic. Education, faith, progress and recovery are all things on which I try to focus each day. Keeping my mind occupied on positive pursuits prevents me from starting that downward spiral into negativity and depression. I may be a prisoner, but I'm not a prisoner of pessimism.

God bless,
David

Sticks and Stones (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated March 18, 2010.

I'm sure you've seen many prison movies where those prisoners who committed crimes against children are treated as outcasts, and even at times physically assaulted. Well, in my brief experience in a federal institution, I can tell you that this is generally true.

While I haven't seen any physical assaults, I have been called a "Cho-Mo"" - the name they use for anyone incarcerated for a child-related crime. I can't say that I would have treated people like me any differently a year or so ago.

What I want to talk about is how even some of the staff at the facility see all of us "Cho-Mo's" as less-than human. This certainly encourages us to go back into hiding and avoid addressing the issue, rather than having the opportunity to continue our recovery and treatment.

I committed my crime and accept full responsibility for my punishment and recovery. I don't expect special treatment or pity. But society can't have it both ways. We can't ostracize a group of men who want to change and also expect them to seek out help. Am I biased? Yes! Am I wrong? Tell me what you think.

God bless,
David

Thank you!

Thank you to all of you for your emails and comments! I cannot tell you how much they mean to me.

-Lisa

Avoidance (from Lisa)

It's been a while since I have posted anything and for that I have to apologize. I have to admit that I have avoided posting anything to this blog lately. I'm not sure why. Perhaps, that by posting I am in constant reminder of sex addiction and my life without my husband (at least for the next 5 years). I have been trying to get back to a "normal" life. I put "normal" in quotes because what is a normal life? Everyone has struggles, challenges, ups and downs. In the last year and a half I have moved, been in a accident(car was totaled), had my car broken into, my grandfather passed away, and my husband went to prison. I am tired. I will try to be better about posting, but please hang in there with me. I need you all right now. Thanks and goodnight.

-Lisa

Always Learning (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated March 14, 2010.

I've made a commitment to use my time to not only improve myself, but also to try to help others. Since I enjoy English, writing and teaching I decided to attempt to be a tutor to other inmates. I was amazed at how many men don't have a high school degree. Maybe I shouldn't have been, but I was.

I started tutoring my second week here and it has been so rewarding. I have met men who, while they don't have a diploma, do have the ambition and hope to leave prison better than they entered it. They come from broken homes, abuse, neglect and poverty. But rather than blame their parents, teachers or society, they take responsibility for their fate and their future. That can't be said for everyone I've met over the last six months.

While I hope I'm teaching them and helping them reach one of their goals, I'm learning so much about dedication, persistence, perseverance and hope. I believe God has a plan for all of us. I'm grateful for being part of his plan for my life. And I'm grateful to be learning something new everyday.

God bless,
David

Should a woman be her husband’s accountability partner?

This is a guest post from Luke Gilkerson at CovenantEyes.com.

Should a woman be her husband’s accountability partner?

With the advent of movements like Promise Keepers, accountability has been a buzzword in male Christian community. Men are regularly encouraged by friends, pastors, and mentors to find good accountability partners in their struggle against lust, masturbation, and pornography. But often women will ask me this question: Should I be my husband’s accountability partner in these areas?

Sometimes a husband believes his wife would make an ideal accountability partner. After all, she is around him all the time and knows him in ways no one else does. She is his confidant, friend, lover, and soul-mate. Why not throw “accountability partner” into the mix?

The Pain of Knowing

Our answer to this question centers on the definition of an “accountability partner.” What is accountability, really? Recently I asked Joe Dallas this question. Joe is the author of The Game Plan: The Men’s 30-Day Strategy for Attaining Sexual Integrity and speaks widely on the subject of sexual brokenness. He said,

“I don’t personally believe in a wife being a husband’s accountability partner, but I do believe a husband is accountable to his wife—and that’s not a contradiction in terms. An accountability partner on a week basis asks you: ‘Did you look at pornography? Did you masturbate? Did you flirt? Did you allow yourself to entertain unclean thoughts? Did you handle your sexuality well this week?’ If the wife is the one asking those questions, the husband is going to be imposing on his wife unnecessary pain and detail.”

I asked Amy Smalley the same question. Amy and her husband regularly counsel couples through their Marriage Restoration Intensive programs. She believes when a husband exclusively looks to his wife to confess his sexual struggles, this only serves to trigger a myriad of false beliefs in her: I’m not satisfying enough, I’m not pretty enough, I’m not good enough for him, etc. Amy said,

“The reason why it’s not best for her to be the accountability partner is because that directly affects her. There’s a message: when my husband views pornography, whether he does it intentionally or not, he will say, ‘Oh, it has nothing to do with you’—you can say that, but that’s not how she feels. She feels like, ‘This has a direct reflection on me.’”

Fred Stoeker, co-author of Every Man’s Battle, gave me the same answer. He believes the sort of raw details discussed in accountability conversations could be very hurtful to a marriage: “The wife is going to be shocked how many times he stumbles as he tries to win this battle, and it will begin to dishearten her. . . . It will actually hurt the relationship instead of strengthen it.”

While Fred knows of some wives who are able to not be disheartened by their husband’s temptations and sins, he says it is a rare thing.

The Need to Trust

That being said, healthy marriages must be built on honesty and transparency. Jesus, the bridegroom of the church, was pleased to reveal to us everything His Father taught Him (John 15:15). Jesus has given to us His own Spirit who shares with us “the deep things” of God’s heart (1 Corinthians 2:10-12). Husbands, we must follow our Master’s example. We must be open and honest as we share our hearts with our wives.

Joe Dallas mentioned this issue in my conversation with him. While a husband does not need to belabor his wife with intricate details of his sexual struggles, a man should volunteer information to his wife about how he is doing in the fight to stay pure. If there has been a breach of trust in the past, or if he has given into habitual lust, she needs to see the fruit of repentance in her husband. She needs a window to peer into his soul so she can see his diligent faithfulness to her. Trust is built only when he builds a track record of trustworthiness.

In my conversation with Dr. Mark Laaser, he affirmed, “The husband is accountable to the wife to stay sexually pure,” but then quickly added, “but I don’t think the wife should be a part of his network such that she’s engaged at the same level other men are going to be. . . He should have a network of men he is able to call.”

Couples need to dialogue about what sort of details she needs to hear and what details should be reserved for other guys who are helping him in his struggle.

The “Need” to Know

Dr. Laaser also pointed out the slippery slope of spousal accountability. Women have often found “they sometimes get into controlling their husband’s behavior.” Amy Smalley was also very attuned to this tendency in women—when the need to build trust turns into an obsessive curiosity. These obsessive thoughts often feed unforgiveness or a desire to control or manipulate. Joe Dallas told me when a wife is engaged in accountability on a deep level with her husband “it puts the wife in a rather maternal position with a husband,” which he thinks is very unhealthy for a marriage.

What is the difference between helpful honesty that encourages trust and unhelpful probing that leads to tension? The difference is in the heart of the wife. Amy Smalley says this is a matter of serious prayer: God, reveal my motives. Tell me when want to know so I can be confident in my husband’s repentance and when just want to feed my bitterness or control him in some way.

The Need for Male Community

When the struggle is with Internet pornography, many people have made use of accountability software, such as Covenant Eyes. When all of your Internet activity is monitored and detailed reports are sent to others who have agreed to stand with you in fight for purity, this makes an enormous difference in how we use the Web.

I work for Covenant Eyes, and recently we surveyed some of our members and found that about 30% of them have their accountability reports emailed to their wives. For many couples this is a token of real transparency and honesty, as if to say, “My life is completely open to you. I have no secrets. I love you.”

Still, many guys have the same report emailed to other men in their accountability network. These are the men who hear the nitty-gritty details: the lustful glances, the fantasies, and the temptations we face on a regular basis in our sex-saturated world. This is the brotherhood that encourages us to flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace in our world and our relationships (2 Timothy 2:22).

In my conversation with Amy Smalley she said how assuring this can be for a wife, to know her husband is meeting regularly with another guy or a group of men who are engaged in the battle with him. It is freeing to a woman when she knows and trusts the men who surround her husband with encouragement, prayer, and correction. Amy’s message to husbands is for them to find accountability among other brothers:

“Covenant Eyes is a great way for men to be accountable to other men. That way, first of all, there’s some compassion there, because it’s another man who’s hard-wired the same way that you are. And two, it someone that you feel has a connection and that will love you no matter what but really kick you in the pants when you need to, and talk to you the way a man needs to talk to another man.”

If you want to listen to these conversations, please listen to our podcast (11 minutes) on the Covenant Eyes blog.


Luke Gilkerson is the general editor and primary author of Breaking Free, the corporate weblog of Covenant Eyes. Luke has a degree in Philosophy and Religious Studies from Bowling Green State University and is currently working on his Master of Arts in Religion from Reformed Theological Seminary. Before working at Covenant Eyes he spent six years as a Campus Minister. He lives in Michigan with his wife Trisha and two sons.

What a Wonderful World (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated March 14, 2010.

I've been in prison about two weeks now. Lisa came to see me this weekend and it was an amazing three days. She drove 9 hours to spend time with me. Talk about gratitude! I was blown away!

The most amazing part of the whole weekend was the connection that Lisa and I felt. I was so nervous knowing she was coming. It was like the butterflies I got before a first date. It was so great to feel the love for her fresh and new.

We spent 18 hours together over the three days. I got to touch her for the first time in six months! We hugged and kissed. It was electric. We talked, we cried, we laughed. We stared into each other's eyes. We talked more about today and tomorrow more than we talked about yesterday. We found hope despite our being in a federal prison visiting room.

For those who question whether or not recovery is worth the pain and effort, I can attest that it is worth every tear we shed and every meeting we attended, and every dollar we spent. God continues to bless us and we're so grateful!

God bless,
David

Time on my side (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated March 7, 2010.

Reality has landed on me, hard. I was finally moved to a Federal Correctional Institute, so I'm "officially" in prison now. My first six months were spent in county jails in North Carolina, Virginia and Oklahoma.

I'm now at a low security facility in Ohio with about 2,000 other inmates. My first day or so was a little crazy, but I've settled in mostly. I'm talking with the education department to see if I can tutor(looks good) and to psychology to see if we can start a 12-step program for sexual addiction since nothing like that exists now (not as positive).

I've met some good guys (and some not-so-good ones). I've let the counselors know I have four goals for my time. 1. Continue my recovery. 2. Help others. 3. Improve myself via Christ, education and training. 4. Do the least amount of time possible via good behavior. They are skeptical, but willing to work with me if I'm sincere.

The hardest part for me is being 500 miles from Lisa, my church and my family and friends. My current release date is December 5, 2014. Plenty of time to achieve my goals. Let's see what God has in mind. He's been doing well since I accepted Christ in February 2009. Thank you for all your prayers for me and Lisa.

God bless,
David

Impact (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated February 28, 2010.

I'm so grateful for my wife, Lisa. I've written about her a number of times, but she continues to amaze me. Not only is she doing things for me almost everyday, she continues to work her own program and is also reaching out to help others daily.

When I talk to her and tell her how grateful and proud I am, she doesn't seem to understand the impact she is having on so many people. From those who read this blog, to her group members to people with whom she works. She impacts people at church, her family and even strangers who find out about our story. God is using her to make such a difference.

I strive each day to be as committed as she is. She is dealing with so much and I can see how her work in 12-step programs, church and therapy is changing her from the inside out. I haven't seen her in almost two months, but she is more beautiful than ever. I challenge everyone to commit to making the same kind of impact on the world.

God bless,
David

Just Like Me - Too (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated February 23, 2010.

As I've heard stories from the other men charged with child pornography crimes, a number of common denominators have become apparent. These may not be earth-shattering scientific new findings, but I found it interesting.

1. The vast majority of men were exposed to pornography at a very early age. Most before ten years old.

2. Most men weren't exposed to child pornography much less sought it out until they got on the Internet.

3. Most were "addicted" to pornography and/or other sexual behaviors like affairs, strippers, prostitutes.

4. Most reported no actual physical acting out with children.

5. For most men this was their first ever brush with the law. They didn't have criminal records beyond traffic tickets.

What does all this mean? I'm not sure. It seems like a prime area for more research though. I wonder if a combination of less prison time and more treatment would serve society, the men and the victims better? Especially if we focused on informing others of the harm this crime has on so many.

God bless,
David

Just Like Me (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated February 23, 2010.

I've been moved again. I went from Virginia to a facility in Oklahoma. I'm awaiting transfer to an actual Federal Correctional Institution. It should happen in the next couple of weeks.

Here in Oklahoma I'm being held in a pod with 23 other sex offenders. As I listen to their stories I realize just how prevelent child pornography really is. Almost everyone in here has at least one charge related to child pornography. Most of the men are facing or have been sentenced to much more time than me. Many will basically spend the rest of their lives in prison. Most are white, middle-aged, educated with families. Is this the new "middle class" crime? It seems like it.

I can't stress enough that anyone involved in this crime should find a way out before they do any more damage to the victims, their own families and themselves. It is not too late. Seek out help from a therapist, 12-step programs like Sex Addicts Anonymous or a pastor. You don't have to end up like me or the thousands of others each year who are caught. The men in here showed me it does get worse, it ascalates. I was blessed to have limited my activities to "just" receiving and viewing child pornography. Many started there and ended up actually harming children.

It is not too late! Reach out! NOW!

God bless,
David

Stick a Spork in It (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated January 27, 2010.

Mealtime in jail is always an interesting experience. You have people trying to talk the C.O. into giving them an extra tray, guys wheeling and dealing trading their cookies for a piece of ham, and others who are trying to hoard their food. The latest twist is that we went from disposable utensils to being assigned our very own bright-orange, heavy-duty plastic spork.

For those uncultured few who don't know what a spork is, it is an eating utensil that is part spoon and part fork. You find them in finer dining places like KFC. We have to keep our spork, wash it, and use it at every meal. If we lose it, we do without until we request and purchase a new one. So needless to say the spork is now a valuable commodity.

This made me think about how some things with seemingly little intrinsic value we place in a position of importance, while things that are irreplaceable we relegate to lesser positions. If we're not careful we put things like recovery, positive relationships and spirituality behind things like wealth, status and power. So just like life without my spork, life without making recovery, relationships and God top priorities would be awfully messy.

God bless,
David

Rainy Day Fund (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated January 27, 2010.

I don't know about you, but I was never great at saving money. The latest flat-screen TV, iPod or laptop always seemed to be calling my name. I tended to prefer short-term gratification over long-term security. Sometimes I approach recovery the same way. I take short cuts to avoid pain rather than take the longer route and learn a lesson I can put in the bank.

For example, when I've faced situations where I could be honest and accept the consequences or lie and avoid them, I might choose the former as the easy way out. So rather than bank an experience where I grew, I made a withdrawal by choosing the quick fix. The instant gratification.

Today I work to build my savings for a rainy day. I still spend when I shouldn't, but I actually think I'm in the black and not the red these days.

God bless,
David

Giving it Away (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated January 27, 2010.

One of my favorite mantras in 12-step programs is - We keep what we have by giving it away. At first blush it is counter-intuitive, but from my experience, it is incredibly true.

Working a successful program is hard work. It takes a daily (sometimes hourly) commitment to honesty, spirituality and self awareness. Three traits very foreign to most addicts. That certainly was true for me.

By nature, addicts are selfish people. Again, that went doubly for me. By contrast, recovery is about sharing with others. Sharing our experience, strength and hope. Sharing our joys and pains. As I've grown in recovery I've found that it is through this sharing that I gain the most. When I share my successes I'm reminded of the benefits of recovery and the gifts I receive everyday. When I share my failures it reminds me that recovery is about progress not perfection.

The more I give the more I get. Talk about an incentive! Keep on giving!!

God bless,
David

Multiple Fronts (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated January 13, 2010.

I've written about WWII and battles like Iwo Jima and D-Day. I so admire the men and women who fought for our freedom, and those who are doing so today.

As I read about these battles, I can't help but see some analogies to recovery and the battles we face. In no way do I think our efforts are equivalent to the sacrifices of the folks who risk their lives at war. Just that the strategies and tactics are somewhat analogous.

When planning D-Day, they attacked the Germans on many fronts and with many different types of weapons. From airplanes to battle ships to infantry and even spies behind the lines. The leaders tried to cover all their bases and weight the odds in their favor.

I have seen that for the best chance at recovery, we have to take the same approach. We have to attack it on many fronts and with many weapons. Spiritual, mental and physical fronts are all important. Weapons like 12-step programs, therapy and faith in action are all weapons we have seen work together to win battles and wars. WWII could have had a very different ending with just one weapon. So could your recovery.

God bless,
David

How Far is Far Enough? (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated January 13, 2010.

"To what lengths are you willing to go for your recovery?" I heard this question asked often during my first few years of recovery from drug addiction back in the 1980's. It was usually followed by some discussion of how far we were willing to go to feed our addiction and that if we put that same energy to our recovery we would have a great shot at success.

This was especially true for me then, and still applies today. I went to extreme lengths to nurture my addiction to pornography, chat and related activities. I lied to my wife, family and friends daily. I spent money without the knowledge of my wife. I stayed up days at a time to binge while my wife was out of town. I spent hours manipulating others to get my way. I was a machine programmed for addiction.

If I put that same effort into my recovery I have a chance. Do I go to meeting's every day for the first 90 days? Do I call at least one person in recovery each day? Do I work the steps? Am I rigorously honest with others and myself? Do I have a relationship with my higher power? Do I read daily? If not, do I take my recovery seriously? Only you and God know the answer.

God bless,
David

The Keys To Freedom (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated January 11, 2010.

This whole incarceration thing continues to be a new experience every day. The rules, the food, the people are unlike my conventional life I left just a few months ago. But many of my experiences seem to be metaphors for the "old" life of my addiction.

When I'm transported between jails or to court I'm always shackled at my hands and feet. My hands in handcuffs which are attached to my body with a chain around my waist. My legs are in leg irons with about 18 inches of chain between the two so I can still walk. It dawned on me that these restraints were much like my old ways.

The leg irons are like my addiction, keeping me from making any real progress, holding me in place. The handcuffs are like the shame and guilt I felt every day, keeping me from reaching out for help.

Thankfully, the keys to these shackles, and my freedom, came with accepting Christ and working a recovery program. I'm freer now than I have been my entire life.

God bless,
David

It's PAT (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated January 11, 2010.

No, I'm not talking about the sexually ambiguous Saturday Night Live character made famous by Julia Sweeney back in the 90's. Rather, I'm talking about Patience, Acceptance and Tolerance. Three traits I've found invaluable this past year, but ones I've not always been able to practice.

Prior to last year I spent a great deal of my time frustrated at others. They were always too ignorant, slow or just plain annoying. This seemed to be especially true of those closest to me. My wife and our families consistently got on my nerves. Or at least I blamed it on them.

What I've discovered is that I was really the ignorant, slow and just plain annoying one. I was self-centered and selfish. I expected perfection from all, but only gave imperfection in return.

Today I find, via recovery and prayers, that I can be patient, accepting and tolerant of others because I have been given the same gift from God my entire life. I no longer see myself as perfect or the victim. I am flawed and must give others that same right.

It's funny how much smarter, faster and less annoying people have become since I've been in recovery. Go figure!

God bless,
David

Prison Wives: The Forgotten Women In Our Society

http://ezinearticles.com/?Prison-Wives:--The-Forgotten-Women-In-Our-Society&id=10963

Porn Ultimatum (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated January 6, 2010.

January 9, 2010 marks one year of abstinence from all pornography and one year of recovery. This is something for which I am truly grateful. Pornography was part of my life since I was 9 years old. It seemed to be omnipresent. It was like a drug. I used it to soothe myself, to escape and to avoid the shame and guilt that was part of an endless cycle of acting out and remorse.

I lost a great deal as I pursued my addiction for 34 years. I lost my innocence, my first marriage and ultimately my physical freedom. But as I'm finding everyday, God has a plan. Because I finally hit bottom and became broken, I have experienced spiritual and emotional freedom I have never known. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to build a relationship with Christ, my wife and family and friends. True relationships built on trust, faith and honesty. And to have a relationship with myself. To finally know who I am and why I am.

I could not have reached this milestone without the help and support of so many; God, Lisa, Donna Peaslee, Ricky Mill, 12-step friends, group mates, and family and friends. May God bless you all. Thank you for an amazing year of grace and love.

God bless,
David

COSA (from Lisa)

Well, I went to my first COSA meeting last evening. COSA is a 12-step recovery program for men and women whose lives have been affected by another person's compulsive sexual behavior (http://www.cosa-recovery.org/).

There are several meetings throughout the week, but last night happened to work for me. This meeting happened to be all women. Even though I have been going through this process and discovery for the past year, I am still amazed by how much sexual addiction has affected so many people's lives. These ladies were seemingly "normal" people. (I'm not sure anyone is normal). :-) This disease is so secretive. Hearing the stories from these ladies is just incredible. It's amazing how many of people are going through this same thing, but it's just not talked about. It's so silent. Everyone lives in their own secretive pain. Why should we have to keep this a secret? I know it's "taboo". And, yes, there are plenty of people out there who judge and I believe because they don't understand what the definition of sex addiction is, or they have issues in this area themselves that they do not want to admit.

Before December 16, 2008 had you asked me what a sex addict was, I would have said I thought it was someone who was addicted to having sex. Someone who wanted sex all the time. In my short experience as I have discovered this is true in some cases, but most sex addicts isolate themselves. In my husbands case, he didn't like who he was. So he could not "give" to others. He isolated himself. Although we were married, we were at the point where we started to live separate lives. I would go to bed, he would stay up. I asked what he was doing. His answer was always the same: "I'm not tired", "I'm working", "I'm...", "I'm...", "I'm..." I would wake up in the middle of the night, and he would still be up on he computer. I honestly thought he was a workaholic. The thought never came into my mind that he could be a sex addict. I had no idea.

But, there is hope. I have found it. My days are still rough. I feel like I am floundering (like the fish). I'm not sure of myself, who I am, or what I am supposed to be doing. Some days I just try to get through the day. But, it's kind of interesting to see where I was, and where I am now. I still have a long way to go, but with the help of God, my therapy group, my family, my pastor, and my hard head, I will persevere. And, I pray that David and I make it through this together. And I know we will be stronger on the other end.

--Lisa

Will You be Accountable This Year? (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated January 6, 2010.

David writes:

I haven't written lately about accountability. At least not directly. No matter our relationship status; married, single, engaged, etc.; we are all accountable for our behavior. When my first marriage ended after seven years, primarily as a result of my pornography addiction, I thought I was set free to pursue my addiction without harming anyone. I quickly learned that my behavior had consequences I had not imagined.

I sunk into a depression, isolated myself even more, felt shame and guilt more deeply than ever. I lost all touch with my family and friends. I lived in a fantasy world of sex and lust. I had no contact with God save for the nights I laid in bed and begged for it to end. Unaccountable? I think not.

What does accountability look like? It is owning up to behaviors that include pornography and sexual acting out. It is putting checks and balances in place that help avoid temptation (like filtering and reporting software - http://www.covenanteyes.com/?promocode=shame2grace). It is joining an accountability group and securing an accountability partner. All of these steps require us to admit we are fallible humans. Don't let that stop you.

God bless,
David

Reflectioning on a relationship...The Codependent Relationship (Part II)

To develop relationships that are healthy and not codependent... RELEASE Responsibility- Jeremiah 17:5, 7-8; Proverbs 29:25

1. Recognize...
2. Examine...
3. Let go of...
4. Extend...
5. Appropriate...
6. Set...
7. Exchange...

If you have codependent behavior, you are trying to get your needs met through a drive to do it all or to be another person's all in all. However, you can travel the road to recovery by releasing your desire to control or change the person you love.

Recognize that you are dependent on a person, and place your dependency on God.

Realize that God did not create you to meet all the needs of another person.


Examine your patterns of codependent thinking.

Don't say yes when you really believe you should say no.


Let go of your "super responsible" menality.

Realize you cannot make another person be dependable or responsible.


Extend forgiveness to those who have caused pain in your past.

Reflect on any emotional or physical abuse you experienced in the past. Determine whom you need to forgive.


Appropriate your identity in Christ.

Know the truth. Believe the truth. Appropriate the truth.


Set healthy boundaries.

Communicate the necessity for change. Establish what your limits of responsibility will be. Establish your limits of involvement. Maintain honest communication without indulging in abusive language.


Exchange your emotional energy for spiritual energy.

Put God and your spiritual growth as your first priority. Redirect your thoughts to the Lord. Talk to God.




Resource: When People Are Big and God Is Small; Edward T. Welch
Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing

For more information on Codependency visit: http://www.codependents.org/

Reflectioning on a relationship...The Codependent Relationship

When David and I first started counseling, our therapist said we were codependent. I had no idea what this meant. This past week in my Sunday school class, the topic was the Codependent Relationship. I finally got it - this was us!

Here it is:

The Codependent Relationship is characterized by a weaker, dependent personality that needs to be connected to a stronger personality - and the stronger personality's need to be needed. Both personalities are insecure and become entangled in a web of emotional bondage. The two behaviors combine to produce a destructive cycle of manipulation and control, draining joy and happiness out of life.

Yep, this was us! I never would have thought, but tis true!

Codependency describes the dynamics in a relationship whereby both parties rely on each other for support as they get their own emotional needs met by seeking their identity in the other person's approval or provision.

1. A weak ,needy person and a second person who appears to be the stronger one- capable and self sufficient...

2. The weaker person is controlling and manipulating the person who appears to be the stronger party because of their insecurity, self -doubting, and need for approval...

Here are three biblical tests to discern codependency in yourself...

1. Is it difficult to speak the Truth in love? (Ephesians 4:15)
2. Do you enable harmful behavior in others by negating the consequences of that behavior? (Galatians 6:7-8a)
3. Can you distinguish between a "burden" and a "load"? (Galatians 6:1-5)

To develop relationships that are healthy and not codependent... RELEASE Responsibility- Jeremiah 17:5, 7-8; Proverbs 29:25

1. Recognize...
2. Examine...
3. Let go of...
4. Extend...
5. Appropriate...
6. Set...
7. Exchange...

I will take a closer look at RELEASE Responsibility in the next post.

Resource: When People Are Big and God Is Small; Edward T. Welch
Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing

For more information on Codependency visit: http://www.codependents.org/

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
--Plato

We Are What We Think (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated December 30, 2009.

David writes:

I mentioned the book, Imaginations, by Thomas Gills, M.D. in a previous post. The premise of the book is that we are what we think. That seems like a given, but I had to step back and "think" about it before I grasped it fully.

Gills asks his readers that if it were possible to create a transcript or video of their thoughts, would they want their family and friends to see it. I was grateful to say that today I would be fine with it. I have no more secrets and that is such a blessing.

But it wasn't too long ago that I would have rather died than have anyone know my thoughts. I mentioned this idea to Lisa and she said she would be afraid to see my thoughts as they were a year ago. I don't blame her.

Even though not all of my thoughts are pure and positive today, I take steps to transform those thoughts from harmful to helpful through prayer, meditation and sharing them with others. Shining light on negative thoughts is a great disinfectant. I have never felt so free as I am when I'm free of negative thoughts. I do believe we are what we think. What do you think?

God bless,
David

Metanoia- Transformed Mind (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated December 30, 2009.

David writes:

I'm reading a book, Imaginations, by Thomas Gills M.D. I'll write more about the book's premise, We Are What We Think, in a later post. I wanted to focus on one of Gills' sub-points - that in order to change our lives in a positive way we have to completely change our minds. We have to achieve Metanoia, a Greek word that means "transformed mind".

I've been struggling with my thoughts lately. I've had the old stinking thinking creep up and cause me to turn to my higher power, my wife and others to help me get back on track toward Metanoia. It is amazing how imprinted our minds are and how difficult it is to transform them from negative to positive.

But as with everything in recovery, it is about progress not perfection. I can see that my thinking is more focused on positive influences: God, Lisa, family, friends, helping others. Before, it was focused on self-centered pursuits. I can see and feel the difference every day.

A transformed mind is something I pray for everyday. Recovery and redemption are all about change. Addiction is all about stasis, the same thing every day. Add Metanoia to your vocabulary and your goals.

God bless,
David

Clearance Clarence (from David)

David sent me this blog post. It is dated December 25, 2009.

David writes:

I've never been one to make new year resolutions. I think if it takes a new year to make me change something, then I'm probably not really committed to changing it. That said, I do think the new year is a good time to take stock of my life and see what's working and what's not. Basically treat it like an inventory for a business. What is selling and what isn't. What are customers asking for?

This has been an amazing year. Those who have followed us this year know that is an understatement. Literally, our entire life has changed. And despite my incarceration, we have gained so much in the process, and shed many things that just weren't selling. Good riddance. We put things like shame, fear, resentment and self-pity on clearance. We stocked up on gratitude, respect, love and forgiveness. Very hot items, I must say! We also saw great demand for honesty, compassion and faith.

As we look forward to this year and beyond, I have a feeling most of these items are timeless and will continue to be heavy sellers. Don't wait too long, as you may miss out. And you won't find them in the clearance bin at Wal-Mart with the Jonas Brothers dish set.

God bless,
David